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 Episode 1-Begotten Son

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Castor O. Nox

Castor O. Nox

Tracker

Name : Castor O. Nox
Epithet : Sanpaku
Age : 24
Race : Three-Eye Tribesman
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Supernova
Crew : Nox Pirates
Ship : The Wailing Calamity
Crew Position : Captain | Navigator | Book Collector
Devil Fruit : Goro Goro no Mi
Haki Specialization : Busoshoku
Haki Level : 6
Attack (ATK) : 400
Defense (DEF) : 200
Reflex (RX) : 420
Willpower (WP) : 370
Level : 57
Experience Points : 5756
Bounty : 270,000,000
Berries : 37,893,750‬
[baneoftheweak][untouchable][childofdestiny]
Posts : 259

Episode 1-Begotten Son - Page 2 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Episode 1-Begotten Son   Episode 1-Begotten Son - Page 2 EmptyTue Oct 08, 2019 12:38 pm


Comments


  • I'm also a victim of this, but before submitting your post to be graded, please read back through to make sure your punctuation, grammar and proper use of syntax is in play. Overall, the grammar present was solid but some inconssitancies can be seen, especially in the latter half of the thread.
    Example wrote:

    Places like these were east targets for people like Yanjiro. So the island was going to have to learn a lesson and get better at defending itself.

  • Be careful of running lines. These are lines which don't have any punctuation or are in need of proper punctuation. They can also come off as ramblings, saying something without saying anything at all.
    Example wrote:

    Yanjiro would leave the bar would blood dripping from his face, a small amount as most of the blood was on his blade. But if children or women who had never seen death before saw Yanjiro, this would be a scary sight. Yanjiro would grip his sword firmly once more.

  • I enjoyed the use of gifs, especially how they added context to what was going on in the story.
  • Your character leans more on the violent side when fighting, add more detail into how you slay your enemies, it'll make for a better read and add to how evil his characterization is intended.
  • The end was great, 'Thank you for being my stepping stone.' You made quite the bit reference to this but what exactly did you take away from the fight that proves you surpassed him? What did you learn, it'd be nice if you expand upon this in future threads.
  • The middle was a little wonky, I like the bit with him standing while being knocked out but a nice little flashback as to why you desire to be more powerful would have been nice here.





General


  • Re-reading is key.
  • Random murder is fine but at times your plotline becomes convoluted. If your going to showcase some kind of mental rift, adding a bit more effort into setting up these kind of scenes, i.e. his external struggle versus his reality, with intricate detail is major in pulling this off.
  • You start quite a few of your sentences with 'but' and 'and'. They are conjunctions, it's just weird seeing them starting sentences. Alot of your sentences also could have been joined together into one line with the same conjunctions so I'm just going to assume you were rushing through these posts. :3





Rewards


Difficulty Bonus: +25% (+1)
Quality Bonus: +25% (B)

EXP: 75 [50 + (25%*50) + (25%*50)]
Berries: 3,750,000 [(250k*10) + 25%(250k*10) + 25%(250k*10)]
Bounty: 8,000,000

Old balance: 50,000 berries
Updated balance: 3,800,000 berries

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