Party Crashers

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Anton La'croix
+ Your intro post fell a bit flat in terms of setting up the scene and the occasion. As the first poster in a group thread, it becomes your responsibility to establish hooks for your RP partners if you're in the same faction/group.
+ Also, when connecting your current thread to events that may have happened off-screen or in a previous thread, be sure to provide some hints to what happened. This is not to say you should do lengthy exposition. But, you should sprinkle in at least a little bit more context. Short posts are only good when they are appropriately sweet.
+ I like how Anton had practiced saying Suika's name. You're very good at reflecting Anton's unique personality through your writing. But, I think you can take it one step further. It would have been even funnier to actually see Anton practicing Suika's name.
+ [Julius gave a boy.] LOL, hilarious typo.
+ Good work explaining other crewmates' absence in keeping with their roles and personalities!
+ I don't know if Anton is just bad at using marine's ranks to address them, or if you're failing to remember they're marines. "Mr. Ayugai" should not be how you refer to Ryoichi. Also, I noticed a distinct lack of salutes, but, I will assume this is because everyone is casual with Anton.
+ Please use lighter colours for dialogue in your threads in the future. I believe the skin for RevDawn had changed prior to you starting this thread, so, you have no excuse. Your colour choices make it extremely difficult for me to read a lot of your dialogue.
+ I liked your visual description of Nise no Akuma. While I wouldn't call it striking, it felt short but appropriately sweet.
+ You should not be rolling dice for buffing Stat Morphs. They are a guaranteed hit.
+ Please try to use the established abbreviations - i.e. "RX", not "Ref".
+ [a man in a metal bear suit] Not sure if this was Anton's misunderstanding or yours. Nise no Kuma was not wearing a metal bear suit.
+ Your first combat post had a lot of typos. Do your best to avoid these by doing a follow-up readthrough.
+ The marines waiting around to cheer Anton is fine for the first few moments of the fight. You should give them something to do later. Marines are not innocent civilians. They should generally not be sidelined to this degree.
+ [Why were his cybernetics acting up? ] This seemed to be from Akuma's perspective. You should be careful when switching perspectives from your character to another. The transition should be apparent, otherwise, it can interrupt the flow of the narration.
+ I like that Anton is becoming more and more confident over the various boss fights he has had. But, your boss fights still leave a lot to be desired in terms of plot development.
+ I liked how you roleplayed out the Shed Skin technique's husk as the reason for Akuma's missed UT. That is an excellent use of the combat system!
+ Our site's Revolutionary Army is actually called the New Revolutionary Army (NRA).
+ While the boss himself was just another generic baddie who came out of absolutely nowhere, I do like that you're setting up for a future plot with Demon's Revolt and that final cutaway to the Grand Line. [And if he came into the Grand Line, then they'll hit him with everything they've got.] This line was a bit forced though.
+ Also, your boss' Max HP should have been 394, not 310. Tier 4+ characters have their HP calculated differently. I have reduced your Difficulty Score to +1 mainly because WP was this boss' highest stat but the lower HP effectively made him have 120 less WP.


Ryoichi Ayugai
+ If I'm not mistaken, this is Ryoichi's debut thread. For debut posts, you should strive to make an impact with your characters. Their personality should shine in said post. When I finish reading a debut post, I expect to have an idea of what that character is like. You can, of course, later transform my understanding of him with character development. But, what you should definitely avoid is a bland intro where I can't tell your character apart from any number of other nameless characters around him.
+ I mentioned the lack of salutes in Anton's post. Suika failed to salute him also. Only you remembered to salute. Kudos!
+ Sometimes, you can omit certain details as they don't add much to a scene. [Ryoichi had managed to fulfill his 'mission'. He had found the barrel to refill jug he was holding in his right hand.] In this case, mentioning which hand he used to hold the jug was unnecessary.
+ [He would then proceed to start moving towards the group.] Try to avoid redundant words and phrases. "Proceed to start moving" is overkill. You could just say "He then proceeded towards the group" or "He then started to move towards the group".
+ [He was wearing the normal Marine issued clothes: Sleeveless white shirt with blue stripes on the colar part of the shirt, blue sailors scarf, dark blue pants and black tank boots.] When you're about to interact with another player character, you should also try to highlight what stands out about yours. This allows your RP partner to make use of such details.
+ [ "Congratulations on your promotion." he would rise his jug a tiny bit in a 'congratulating' manner.] Another example of a redundant phrase. You raising the jug after congratulating him in dialogue already implies you are raising it in a congratulatory manner. If Ryoichi were the silent type, the other option here would've been to skip the dialogue and say "He would raise his jug in a congratulatory manner". On that note, you should also research the difference between the word "raise" and "rise" and when you should use one or the other.
+ [...the little bit of bits...] [He looked over the pulled over table, looking at...] Be aware of your word choice. Repetitive use of certain words, especially so close together, can be jarring.
+ I believe Anton may have been a poor senpai here. Stat Morphs only need a roll if you're trying to debuff someone with them. Otherwise, they are always guaranteed. Your "graze" with the Weaving technique should have been a solid success.
+ I appreciated you showing calculations in your combat trackers.
+ It's "fur", not "furr".
+ [It did not seem like it but these words somewhat ticked Ryoichi off. Years of training, only to have his attacks be called weak, even after they obviously have taken its toll on his opponent.] This is a decent example of what I count as character development during combat - finding out what makes Ryoichi tick.
+ ["What ever you are trying to do, it wont help you out! You can't defeat my metal form!"] Definitely something a kids' villain would say.
+ Why did it not surprise Ryoichi to see Anton defeat the demon? You should have either expanded on this or instead have had Ryoichi be surprised by the stark contrast in Anton's behaviour during the battle and his behaviour before it.

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Anton La'Croix
Difficulty Bonus: +25% (+1)
Quality Bonus: +100% (A)
Income Multiplier: +30% (Berry Printer + Rear Admiral)

EXP: 113 [50 + 25%(50) + 100%(50)]
Berries: 34,425,000 [250k*54 + 25%(250k*54) + 100%(250k*54) + 30%(250k*54)]

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Old EXP: 5369
Updated EXP: 5369 (EXP redirected to Ryoichi Ayugai)

Old balance: 258,455,000
Updated balance: 292,880,000

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Ryoichi Ayugai
Difficulty Bonus: +25% (+1)
Quality Bonus: +25% (C)
Income Multiplier: +20% (Anton's Berry Printer)

EXP: 75 [50 + 25%(50) + 25%(50)]
Berries: 4,250,000 [250k*10 + 25%(250k*10) + 25%(250k*10) + 20%(250k*10)]

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Old EXP: 1000
Updated EXP: 1188 (113 EXP redirected from Anton La'Croix)

Old balance: 50,000
Updated balance: 4,300,000

Since Ryoichi soloed a +1 boss and defeated him, he has completed the [[hardboiled]] Hardboiled perk challenge.

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