Revival Dawn - One Piece RP
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Happy belated Halloween, folks! As is tradition on Revival Dawn, we have a Halloween Event going currently. This time, we even have a theme! The participation rewards for this event are substantial, so don't miss this opportunity to write a spooky story!
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ADMIN
"Hard pass."


MODS
"Buzz off."
"Give me more, I'll do it all."
"I can help you if you hold my bottle."
"I read the whole combat guide."
"I'm scared."
"I'm here to give you a makeover."

Go down
Stein
Tracker

Age : 0
Haki Level : 1
Hitpoints (HP) : 150
Attack (ATK) : 100
Defense (DEF) : 90
Reflex (RX) : 100
Willpower (WP) : 100
Level : 10
Experience Points : 1088
Berries Berries : 4,375,000
[[untouchable]]
[[wpt1]][[wpt1]]
Posts : 45
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You wanna be a hero or sumthin? - Page 2 Empty Re: You wanna be a hero or sumthin?

on Sun Sep 13, 2020 1:03 pm
Stein and the mob boss stared eachother down for a moment, before his eyes began to have a wild look in them. The mob boss yelled at him once more, " What fucker? You already can't be hurt"? A wind started to build up in the room, causing the rubble around them to rattle. Stein took a step forward as his hair started to buffet from the wind. The marine captain, sensing something amiss, rushed in and yanked the mobster away from the sand human who erupted into a sand storm. Everything around them was essentially ground to dust, leaving stein in a 5 foot crater that he needed to climb out of.

" MY DAMN FLOOR"! The mob boss shouted as he pulled himself from the marine captain. He lunged forward, trying to strike stein[boss LT 1], how managed to time the dodge, just barely side stepping the first blow. Stein in turn made his arm into sand and threw a jab that connected with his face, causing the mob boss to stagger for a moment. He wiped the sand from his face, or at least tried to and ended up roaring again. " God damn your sand you fucking bastard"! Stein would have chuckled if the mob didn't didn't actually have his throat into his grasp[Boss LT 2] for a moment. Although again it passed through stein's body as it would if he went to the beach. While still in range, the ornery boss tried clothesline stien from behind. His strike was swift and true, connecting with the back of stein's head to no avail[boss MT 1].

Stein
Tracker

Age : 0
Haki Level : 1
Hitpoints (HP) : 150
Attack (ATK) : 100
Defense (DEF) : 90
Reflex (RX) : 100
Willpower (WP) : 100
Level : 10
Experience Points : 1088
Berries Berries : 4,375,000
[[untouchable]]
[[wpt1]][[wpt1]]
Posts : 45
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You wanna be a hero or sumthin? - Page 2 Empty Re: You wanna be a hero or sumthin?

on Sun Sep 13, 2020 1:14 pm
Damage from the last round:
Stein 0
Mob boss:
-5

battle stuff:


Techniques used:


Stein uses:
1A: LT scourge's claw against the mob boss
1B:  LT sand strike against the mob boss
1C: MT scourge's grasp against the mob boss


stien techs:

Sand strike
Type: Flat
Cooldown:2
Duration: n/a
Buffs: n/a
Debuffs: n/a
Flavour: Stein punches or kicks someone and adds a stream of sand that rushes from the point of impact to bludgeon his target.

Scourge's claw
Type: Flat
Cooldown: 2
Duration:n/a
Buffs:n/a
Debuffs:n/a
Flavour: Stein's arm turns into sand and it loosely resembles a claw. Everything hit by his attack might be cut like a blade would.


Scourge's grasp
Type: Flat
Cooldown: 4
Duration:n/a
Buffs: n/a
Debuffs: n/a
Flavour: A limb made of sand bursts from stein's arm and pursues a target to cause damage by grasping it.

UT: just a punch made of sand

Boss uses two LT and one MT
2A: LT against stein
2B: LT against stein
2C: HT against stein

-----
Boss stats
Health points: 65 - 5 = 60
Attack: 120
Defense:140
reflex:140
Willpower:80

Stein's Reflex check = 72%
Boss' = 140%


Last edited by Stein on Sun Sep 13, 2020 1:17 pm; edited 1 time in total
NPC
Name : Variable
Epithet : Variable
Age : 0
Height : Variable
Weight : Variable
Species : Variable
Faction : Variable
Crew : Variable
Ship : Variable
Crew Position : Variable
Devil Fruit : Variable
Haki Level : 0
Hitpoints (HP) : 0
Attack (ATK) : 0
Defense (DEF) : 0
Reflex (RX) : 0
Willpower (WP) : 0
Level : 0
Experience Points : 0
Bounty : Variable
Berries Berries : Variable
Posts : 816
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You wanna be a hero or sumthin? - Page 2 Empty Re: You wanna be a hero or sumthin?

on Sun Sep 13, 2020 1:14 pm
The member 'Stein' has done the following action : Dice Roll


#1 'Reflex Check' : 15, 13, 5

--------------------------------

#2 'Reflex Check' : 8, 7, 11
Stein
Tracker

Age : 0
Haki Level : 1
Hitpoints (HP) : 150
Attack (ATK) : 100
Defense (DEF) : 90
Reflex (RX) : 100
Willpower (WP) : 100
Level : 10
Experience Points : 1088
Berries Berries : 4,375,000
[[untouchable]]
[[wpt1]][[wpt1]]
Posts : 45
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You wanna be a hero or sumthin? - Page 2 Empty Re: You wanna be a hero or sumthin?

on Sun Sep 13, 2020 1:28 pm
Stein's body was slowly reforming after his opponent's latest attack, with no signs of fatigue other than mental fatigue. The mob boss on the other hand clenched his fist, before striking stein's cheek with a clean blow to the face[Boss LT 1]. Stein began to cock his right arm for an attack, but the mob boss again clocked stein's face with a second punch using his other arm[Boss LT 2]. Stein uppercut his adversary's stomach, cleanly connecting with his chest[player LT 1] and sending a wave of sand bursting from his fist that caused the mob boss to gasp for air. Stein followed up by forming a claw made of sand on his other arm, slashing at the boss's chest[Player LT 2], leaving grisly claw marks in its wake. His adversary jumped away however, as stein cocked his right arm too far, before sending a claw made of sand at him.[Player MT 1].

His adversary rolled out of the way, leaving no time for stein to react. He tried to retract his arm, but instead of met with a pineapple grenade that was shove into his chest. Not 1 however, but instead 5 all activated at the same time fell at his feet. [Boss HT 1]. The mob boss cackled like a hyena and dove toward a nearby concrete pillar as they all exploded. " you gotta have a limit monster....fuck you", he said gasping for breath.
Stein
Tracker

Age : 0
Haki Level : 1
Hitpoints (HP) : 150
Attack (ATK) : 100
Defense (DEF) : 90
Reflex (RX) : 100
Willpower (WP) : 100
Level : 10
Experience Points : 1088
Berries Berries : 4,375,000
[[untouchable]]
[[wpt1]][[wpt1]]
Posts : 45
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You wanna be a hero or sumthin? - Page 2 Empty Re: You wanna be a hero or sumthin?

on Sun Sep 13, 2020 1:33 pm
Damage from the last round:
Stein 0
Mob boss:
-20

battle stuff:


Techniques used:


Stein uses:
1A: AOE valley of spikes against mob boss
1C: UT against the mob boss

LT
stien techs:


valley of sand spikes
Type: Flat
Cooldown: 8
Duration: n/a
Buffs: n/a
Debuffs:n/a
Flavour:a small 20 foot area in front of stein(a cone) becomes engulfed in sand rushes from him. They will turn into 6 foot spikes that shoot from the ground

UT: just a punch made of sand

Boss uses two LT and one MT
2A: LT against stein
2B: LT against stein
2C: MT against stein
-----
Boss stats
Health points: 60- 20 = 40
Attack: 120
Defense:140
reflex:140
Willpower:80

Stein's Reflex check = 72%
Boss' = 140%
NPC
Name : Variable
Epithet : Variable
Age : 0
Height : Variable
Weight : Variable
Species : Variable
Faction : Variable
Crew : Variable
Ship : Variable
Crew Position : Variable
Devil Fruit : Variable
Haki Level : 0
Hitpoints (HP) : 0
Attack (ATK) : 0
Defense (DEF) : 0
Reflex (RX) : 0
Willpower (WP) : 0
Level : 0
Experience Points : 0
Bounty : Variable
Berries Berries : Variable
Posts : 816
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You wanna be a hero or sumthin? - Page 2 Empty Re: You wanna be a hero or sumthin?

on Sun Sep 13, 2020 1:33 pm
The member 'Stein' has done the following action : Dice Roll


#1 'Reflex Check' : 2, 3

--------------------------------

#2 'Reflex Check' : 20, 5, 18
Stein
Tracker

Age : 0
Haki Level : 1
Hitpoints (HP) : 150
Attack (ATK) : 100
Defense (DEF) : 90
Reflex (RX) : 100
Willpower (WP) : 100
Level : 10
Experience Points : 1088
Berries Berries : 4,375,000
[[untouchable]]
[[wpt1]][[wpt1]]
Posts : 45
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You wanna be a hero or sumthin? - Page 2 Empty Re: You wanna be a hero or sumthin?

on Sun Sep 13, 2020 1:42 pm
From the shadows, while all the chaos was unfolding, the revolutionary scout was watching the whole thing unfold. By his side was the captain on the island, who very much knew who he was. However, both had a respect for eachother and did not make any hasty moves. Saul took a swig of his flask again, and stumbled a bit with a chuckle. " Welp, he has a lot of power but he relies too much on it. That was another miss", he said. The marine by contrast was barely buzzed. He frowned as every attack landed on stein, but it was all futile. He slapped the rev's back and helped him stand again. " Geezus rev, what the heck is this kid anyways"?

The rev lifted a finger up and pointed at him. He paused and said, " see all them spikes? THeres like 50 of em and he still missed dammit"[player AOE 1]. The marine tried to interject, but he ended up taking another swig as stein tried to use his powers to punch the mob boss with his extending sandy arm, but it missed yet again. [player UT 1]. "I'm a telling ya, these logia rely so much on their devil fruits that it just sickens me". The marine captain nodded and said, " Devil fruit"? The rev stepped a few steps forward and turned to say, "yes a devil fruit. You wont find many in the blues, but when you do, it's exciting huh"?

The marine nodded and said, " Shit sad he's not a marine, we can use some fire power like that". The rev shrugged his shoulders and said, " It's nice and all, but if he faced a real grand line fighter....he'd be toast". The two watched as the mob boss yelled some more obscenities at Stein.
Stein
Tracker

Age : 0
Haki Level : 1
Hitpoints (HP) : 150
Attack (ATK) : 100
Defense (DEF) : 90
Reflex (RX) : 100
Willpower (WP) : 100
Level : 10
Experience Points : 1088
Berries Berries : 4,375,000
[[untouchable]]
[[wpt1]][[wpt1]]
Posts : 45
View user profile

You wanna be a hero or sumthin? - Page 2 Empty Re: You wanna be a hero or sumthin?

on Sun Sep 13, 2020 2:05 pm
Damage from the last round:
Stein 0
Mob boss:
0

battle stuff:


Techniques used:


Stein uses:
1A:  HT tomb of the scourge against mob boss
2B: LT Scourge's blessing
1C: UT against the mob boss

stien techs:


[b]Tomb of the scourge
Type: Flat
Cooldown:6
Duration:n/a
Buffs: n/a
Debuffs: n/a
Flavour: an enormous amount of sand surges from stein and envelopes a target until it buries them in sand. Once enveloped, the target is squeezed to cause damage.

Scourge's blessing
Type:Flat hybrid
Cooldown: 6
Duration: 2
Buffs: None
Debuffs: Debuffs attack and reflex by 5%
Flavour: Stein's arm turns into stream of sand that can lash out horizontally or vertically to bludgeon a target and sap some of their moisture to result in a loss of strength and reflex.


UT: just a punch made of sand

Boss uses two LT and one MT
2A: LT against stein
2B: LT against stein
2C: MT against stein
-----
Boss stats
Health points: 40
Attack: 120
Defense:140
reflex:140
Willpower:80

Stein's Reflex check = 72%
Boss' = 140%
NPC
Name : Variable
Epithet : Variable
Age : 0
Height : Variable
Weight : Variable
Species : Variable
Faction : Variable
Crew : Variable
Ship : Variable
Crew Position : Variable
Devil Fruit : Variable
Haki Level : 0
Hitpoints (HP) : 0
Attack (ATK) : 0
Defense (DEF) : 0
Reflex (RX) : 0
Willpower (WP) : 0
Level : 0
Experience Points : 0
Bounty : Variable
Berries Berries : Variable
Posts : 816
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You wanna be a hero or sumthin? - Page 2 Empty Re: You wanna be a hero or sumthin?

on Sun Sep 13, 2020 2:05 pm
The member 'Stein' has done the following action : Dice Roll


#1 'Reflex Check' : 12, 1, 4

--------------------------------

#2 'Reflex Check' : 13, 16, 13
Stein
Tracker

Age : 0
Haki Level : 1
Hitpoints (HP) : 150
Attack (ATK) : 100
Defense (DEF) : 90
Reflex (RX) : 100
Willpower (WP) : 100
Level : 10
Experience Points : 1088
Berries Berries : 4,375,000
[[untouchable]]
[[wpt1]][[wpt1]]
Posts : 45
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You wanna be a hero or sumthin? - Page 2 Empty Re: You wanna be a hero or sumthin?

on Sun Sep 13, 2020 2:10 pm
The marine captain chuckled as the two fighters continued to struggle in their own manner. Stein creating a sandy hell for the mob boss, but missing every attack. And the mob boss connecting every time, but to no avail. He sighed and said, " I suppose so, but what separates a real grand line fighter from us, if you dont mind me asking"? The rev grinned and said, " well, for one, most of the decent ones know how to use haki. Which lets you by pass the logia's elemental body". The marine's ears perked up when he realized that was something he heard before. " Yea I've heard the vice admiral talk about it before he took two of my recruits with him, a boxer and a sniper. Said they needed to hone their haki...hahaha". The rev grinned and said, "ofcourse", but sitting down on the ruined couch. The captain pulled the flask from him and took a big swig. " hey hold on, I'm getting depressed thinking about it".

"tell me about it sonny", said the rev as the two fighters came to a stand still again.
Stein
Tracker

Age : 0
Haki Level : 1
Hitpoints (HP) : 150
Attack (ATK) : 100
Defense (DEF) : 90
Reflex (RX) : 100
Willpower (WP) : 100
Level : 10
Experience Points : 1088
Berries Berries : 4,375,000
[[untouchable]]
[[wpt1]][[wpt1]]
Posts : 45
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You wanna be a hero or sumthin? - Page 2 Empty Re: You wanna be a hero or sumthin?

on Sun Sep 13, 2020 2:24 pm
Damage from the last round:
Stein 0
Mob boss:
0

battle stuff:


Techniques used:


Stein uses:
1A:  HT scourge's wrath against mob boss
2B: LT sand strike against the mob boss
1C: UT against the mob boss

stien techs:


Scourge's wrath
Type: Flat
Cooldown:  6
Duration:n/a
Buffs: n/a
Debuffs:n/a
Flavour: a pressurized stream of sand that is 6 feet long shoots out in front of stein to inflict heavy slashing damage.

Sand strike
Type: Flat
Cooldown:2
Duration: n/a
Buffs: n/a
Debuffs: n/a
Flavour: Stein punches or kicks someone and adds a stream of sand that rushes from the point of impact to bludgeon his target.

UT: just a punch made of sand

Boss uses two LT and one MT
2A: LT against stein
2B: LT against stein
2C: MT against stein
-----
Boss stats
Health points: 40
Attack: 120
Defense:140
reflex:140
Willpower:80

Stein's Reflex check = 72%
Boss' = 140%
NPC
Name : Variable
Epithet : Variable
Age : 0
Height : Variable
Weight : Variable
Species : Variable
Faction : Variable
Crew : Variable
Ship : Variable
Crew Position : Variable
Devil Fruit : Variable
Haki Level : 0
Hitpoints (HP) : 0
Attack (ATK) : 0
Defense (DEF) : 0
Reflex (RX) : 0
Willpower (WP) : 0
Level : 0
Experience Points : 0
Bounty : Variable
Berries Berries : Variable
Posts : 816
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You wanna be a hero or sumthin? - Page 2 Empty Re: You wanna be a hero or sumthin?

on Sun Sep 13, 2020 2:24 pm
The member 'Stein' has done the following action : Dice Roll


#1 'Reflex Check' : 15, 7, 3

--------------------------------

#2 'Reflex Check' : 20, 10, 1
Stein
Tracker

Age : 0
Haki Level : 1
Hitpoints (HP) : 150
Attack (ATK) : 100
Defense (DEF) : 90
Reflex (RX) : 100
Willpower (WP) : 100
Level : 10
Experience Points : 1088
Berries Berries : 4,375,000
[[untouchable]]
[[wpt1]][[wpt1]]
Posts : 45
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You wanna be a hero or sumthin? - Page 2 Empty Re: You wanna be a hero or sumthin?

on Sun Sep 13, 2020 2:32 pm
was looking at the other tab lol


Last edited by Stein on Sun Sep 13, 2020 2:34 pm; edited 1 time in total
NPC
Name : Variable
Epithet : Variable
Age : 0
Height : Variable
Weight : Variable
Species : Variable
Faction : Variable
Crew : Variable
Ship : Variable
Crew Position : Variable
Devil Fruit : Variable
Haki Level : 0
Hitpoints (HP) : 0
Attack (ATK) : 0
Defense (DEF) : 0
Reflex (RX) : 0
Willpower (WP) : 0
Level : 0
Experience Points : 0
Bounty : Variable
Berries Berries : Variable
Posts : 816
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You wanna be a hero or sumthin? - Page 2 Empty Re: You wanna be a hero or sumthin?

on Sun Sep 13, 2020 2:32 pm
The member 'Stein' has done the following action : Dice Roll


'Reflex Check' : 12
Stein
Tracker

Age : 0
Haki Level : 1
Hitpoints (HP) : 150
Attack (ATK) : 100
Defense (DEF) : 90
Reflex (RX) : 100
Willpower (WP) : 100
Level : 10
Experience Points : 1088
Berries Berries : 4,375,000
[[untouchable]]
[[wpt1]][[wpt1]]
Posts : 45
View user profile

You wanna be a hero or sumthin? - Page 2 Empty Re: You wanna be a hero or sumthin?

on Sun Sep 13, 2020 2:45 pm
Back at the fight

Stein and the mob boss were panting and covered in sweat. However both started grinning at eachother with delirious eyes. "When is this gonna end", stein asked with an exasperated expression. His opponent dashed toward him throwing a wide left hook[boss LT1 1], once again connecting with no effect. Stein formed a raging stream of steam within the palm of his hand and shoved it into the mob boss' left shoulder[Player HT 1]. The mob boss paused for a moment before a stream of blood and sand shot behind him. Stein's adversary paused for a moment, to see his suit covered in blood and sand.

The marine captain stepped in, and forcibly yanked his business partner away to prevent Stein's second attack from connecting with the passed out man. The revolutionary Saul showed stein the gap between them by yanking him away as well, pinning the young fighter against the wall. He fell whoosy and out of breath, vision started to blur as he coughed and heaved from the blow. "calm down, we need to get out of here first".

The rev and captain winked at eachother, before taking off in their own directions.
Stein
Tracker

Age : 0
Haki Level : 1
Hitpoints (HP) : 150
Attack (ATK) : 100
Defense (DEF) : 90
Reflex (RX) : 100
Willpower (WP) : 100
Level : 10
Experience Points : 1088
Berries Berries : 4,375,000
[[untouchable]]
[[wpt1]][[wpt1]]
Posts : 45
View user profile

You wanna be a hero or sumthin? - Page 2 Empty Re: You wanna be a hero or sumthin?

on Sun Sep 13, 2020 3:06 pm
A few days later

Stein made his way toward the cliffside where he first met Saul, who was taking in the setting sun with its orange and red hues that bathed the orange and everything in its wake. Stein looked to the rev with a puzzled expression. " Why did you interfere if this was supposed to be me proving my worth"? The rev shrugged and said, " It was supposed to see how you'd act in this situation. We need to change the world, but we can't do it by destroying it". Stein paused and looked over the cliff to gather his thoughts. " I don...follow you sir", he said with slumped shoulders.

"listen kid, I've got agents in the marines, the mob, and every industry on this island. I don't run things, but I run the rev ops here", he said with an exasperated sigh. " so I knew both your opponent, Jimmy Ferrari and the marine captain he was with". Stein's grit his teeth, but held back as he looked toward the ocean once more. Saul slapped his back and laughed, " bwuhahaha bwhaha, kid loosen up and take in the experience. This was your job interview and you passed".

Stein looked to him but he couldn't muster a response. " Are you upset that we're working with marines"? Stien shook his head and turned to his teacher to say, " I'm confused and not sure what the heck the revolutionaries are doing. And more over the way you shoved me yesterday was unlike the way the other guy did...why did it hurt? Why do you hurt me unlike the others"? He grinned and ruffled Stein's head. " twas haki, but you're a 100 years too young to be thinking of that. Right now we need to focus on you learning how to fight and how to deal with these types of situations".

Stien tilted his head and asked, " what do you mean"?

Saul flicked him and made the youngster stagged a couple of steps. " If this was a real dangerous island, you would be dead before you knew. Someone would have tagged you with seastone, shot you with a haki enhanced bullet, or worse, actual marines would overwhelm you until a real admiral can capture you". Stein paused and tried to respond, but saul gave him the hand. " No, you need to understand what it means to be a lone man with a gift. If you don't think things through, next time someone will kill you and take that power from you".

stein gulped and started to clench his trembling fists. " If he fucking had haki, My head would have been caved in 15 times that fight", Stein said. " If I'm not careful, someone like saul will simply obliterate me...". Saul looked to stein, feeling a hint of despair in his voice. However Stein's eyes glowed with a malicious crimson glow. " So fuck em. Let those bastards come"!

Saul shoved him again and asked, " you wanna be a hero or something? That aint enough in this world". Stein shoved him back and said, " So what the fuck do I need to do"? "bwuhahaha bwhaha....kid, let's just start with the basics. When you approach a potential enemy, sometimes you can bring tribute to get them on your side".

fin
Gray
You wanna be a hero or sumthin? - Page 2 Cool-t10
Tracker

Name : Gray Starks
Epithet : The Conqueror (Formerly "Black Fist")
Age : 49
Height : 10'2" / 310 cm
Weight : 1043 lbs / 473 kg
Species : Human Cyborg
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Super Veteran (Former Yonkou)
Crew : Black Fist Pirates (Destroyed)
Ship : Sangria's Vane (Destroyed)
Crew Position : Captain (Former)
Devil Fruit : Pressure-Pressure Fruit
Haki Level : 9
[[haospec]][[busospec]][[kenbunspec]]
Hitpoints (HP) : 700
Attack (ATK) : 750
Defense (DEF) : 600
Reflex (RX) : 655
Willpower (WP) : 600
Level : 100
Experience Points : 10000
Bounty : 5,000,000,000
Income Multiplier : +10%
Shop Discount : -20%
Berries Berries : 25,000,000,000
[[strollingdeath]][[baneoftheweak]][[riseandshine]][[freakofnature]][[childofdestiny]]
[[punchoutguru]][[windcaller]]
[[atkt6_sp]][[deft6]][[rxt6]][[wpt6]]
Posts : 2106
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You wanna be a hero or sumthin? - Page 2 Empty Re: You wanna be a hero or sumthin?

on Fri Sep 18, 2020 11:52 am

GRADING


COMMENTS
Stein Akami

Do keep in mind that some of my comments below are just examples of how you can improve your writing - it doesn't mean the suggestions have to be acted upon exactly as stated.

+ In the very first paragraph, you used the "voice boomed" pairing twice. Try to keep an eye out for these, as they may make your diction seem slightly repetitive.

+ ["Ey thanks sir", steins managed to sputter out before ship rocked back violently, sending him crashing to ground due tot he slippery deck.] I immediately noticed how you seem to not be using articles in places you should. This becomes a consistent problem and detracts from your otherwise effective writing. For example, the sentence I quoted would be written as the following with grammatical corrections: "Ey, thanks, sir!" Stein managed to sputter out before the ship rocked back violently, sending him crashing to the ground due to the slippery deck.
There is also the matter of using correct words for things. For example, a ship's deck is not the "ground", it would be the "floor". And, the fact that the deck is slippery doesn't necessarily need to be stated outright. It can be implied. Not everything needs an explanation.

+ [However thanks to their efforts, the purse siene was set.] I wasn't sure what "purse siene" meant here, even taking the context into account. Dunno if I'm just having a brain fart.

+ [Stein panicked, but managed to reform his sandy body into a position that looked as if he managed to roll away on the floor.] This is the very first time Stein's powers are hinted at. The way you mentioned "sandy body" is a bit meta. It almost seems to expect the reader to already be aware of the fact that Stein ate the Suna Suna no Mi. I would have recommended writing this in a way where you assume the reader does not know - especially considering it is Stein's intro post.

+ [However, the captain stood silent at the wheel, and swallowed hard. "he was made...of sand"? The captain kept recalling the moment where nothing above his knees were left, leaving behind to stubs in the dark stormy night. "no im drinking too much", he said while tossing his flask into the ocean.] This is another excerpt from the paragraph I quoted from in the previous comment. You switched perspectives from one character to another when you showed the Captain's internal thoughts. Always be aware of what perspective you're writing from. I would recommend writing in third-person limited. If you're gonna write in third-person omniscient, you have to be aware of this throughout your writing. You cannot jump between perspectives in that case.

+ I'm not sure if you're typing your posts on mobile or not, but, I noted a lot of typos. If you'd like to aim for the S-grade at some point, your posts will have to be typo-free. I'm more than willing to look past grammatical errors when giving out higher quality grades, but, I cannot abide by posts riddled with typos. Show me that diligence!

+ Saul's first exchange with Stein just felt random and incoherent. Stein's personality is inconsistent too. One moment he is this anxious guy that shivers and trembles every two seconds. The next moment, he's grinning and snarky. And the next he's a stone-cold fighter. These kinds of personality shifts require some nuance to be effective. Stein's personality shifts felt too jarring.

+ The part where Stein entered the bar pretending to be a junkie was funny, but, not very convincing. If you intended to use that scene solely for comedy, then you're good, but, if you wanted that to act as a display of Stein's cleverness, then I think you can do much better. [Stein grinned and nodded, knowing he got through the hard part without a fight. “ phew my heart skipped a beat”.] That line made me think you were, in fact, trying to show off Stein's cunning with that exchange.

+ [ The smell of liquor mixed with the stench of perfume to create a rank odor that made stein’s eyes water. Each step he took had a different sensation. He heard things pop under his step, other times he’d slide ever so slightly with wide obvious eyes of panic. Sometimes the smell of vomit made itself apparent, making stein grimace at these people.] That is an excellent example of good scene setups. You utilise Stein's senses and his reactions to his surroundings to describe the environment itself. Well done!

+ You are meant to be using the Combat Trackers in your RP posts to track most combat things. Please be sure to use it from now on as it assists in keeping track of damage dealt, durations, cooldowns, and current stats. I'll be updating the combat guide soon-ish to make sure the screenshots aren't misleading (though there is a glaring red line right below the screenshots that does say that combat trackers have been added and you need to use them). This error makes me think that you didn't bother to look at the RP thread example I linked for you to look over to see how combat is done. As your difficulty for this quest is +0 anyway, it's fine for now.

+ Also, for future reference, RX% is always rounded down. (e.g. If your RX% is 80.99%, it still truncates to 80%. It does not round up to 81%.) In your case, your exact RX% was 71.42857-- That should have been rounded down to 71% and not up to 72%. In this case, it's not a big deal because both still fall in the same range. But, be aware of this as sometimes this can put you or your opponent in the wrong RX% roll range on the chart.
This also applies to DMG% when calculating damage. If your calculated damage turns out to be 9.99, the effective damage should be 9 and not 10. About the only time when we round up on RevDawn is when we give out quest experience. If the quest experience was calculated to be 62.5, the actual value awarded would be 63.

+ What happened to the marine that was in the office when Stein confronted him with the mob boss? You seem to have completely forgotten he existed once your fight started until he suddenly just comes in from another room even though all three of them seemed to be in the same room at first.

+ [" I'm just a boy, mister".] I'm not your mister, laddie~ :D

+ You should try to use combat to express some more personality and give your character and boss some character development. I did, however, very much like the bit where you expressed your Valley of Spikes AoE as a commentary by Saul as opposed to writing it out like everything else. That was a clever bit! Overall, I enjoyed that commentary scene. Commentary from spectators is a good way to do development for side characters during combat. I also very much approve of your decision to briefly cut away from the combat scene when it was getting too long and focus on the conversation between the rev and the marine (as long as you're keeping track of the combat mechanically, of course).

Overall, I can't say I found the plot for this quest particularly interesting. The character development was inconsistent at best, and the characters felt far too bland and generic. I did like the way you set up some of your scenes though. You made a solid effort to "show not tell". The combat was dragged out the mechanics, sure, but, you could've used it to develop Stein and the boss a bit instead of just having them flail at each other and basically keep repeating "Why won't you die?" "Because I'm sand, come at me, bro." Also, for next time, if you're gonna fight a boss that can't hit you mechanically at all, you don't have to bother with dice rolls and stuff. If the fight's outcome is 100% guaranteed, there's really not much reason to use the combat system.

In any case, please try to take my comments with an objective view and don't be discouraged. The road to improvement is a long one, and you can only go down it if you don't stop driving.





REWARDS

Stein Akami
Difficulty Bonus: +0% (+0)
Quality Bonus: +25% (B)

EXP: 88 1.4*[50 + (25%*50)]
Berries: 4,375,000 1.4*[250k*10 + 25%(250k*10)]
Bounty: 0 | {Since the marine captain seemed chummy with Saul, and the goal was for Stein to not get a bounty on his head, I have refrained from assigning a bounty.}


Old XP: 1000
Updated XP: 1088

Old balance: 50,000
Updated balance: 4,425,000




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