Revival Dawn - One Piece RP
Would you like to react to this message? Create an account in a few clicks or log in to continue.
Happy New Year, current, former, and prospective members of Revival Dawn! We are currently doing a MAJOR ROLL-CALL / ACTIVITY CHECK for all existing members. Please see details in this thread. I wish for your 2021 to be better than your 2020!
Switch Account



Staff List
ADMIN
"Hard pass."


MODS
"Buzz off."
"Give me more, I'll do it all."
"I can help you if you hold my bottle."
"I read the whole combat guide."

Go down
Karl Friedrich
Tracker

Name : Karl Friedrich
Age : 20
Height : 6 feet 1 inch (1.85m)
Weight : 176 lbs (80kg)
Species : Human
Faction : Pirate
Crew : To be Determined
Ship : To be Determined
Crew Role : To be Determined
Devil Fruit : Doku Doku no Mi (Venom-Venom Fruit)
Haki Level : 1
Hitpoints (HP) : 153
Attack (ATK) : 115
Defense (DEF) : 110
Reflex (RX) : 140
Willpower (WP) : 105
Level : 11
Experience Points : 1123
Bounty : 8,000,000
Berries Berries : 7,737,500
[[childofdestiny]]
[[atkt3]][[deft2]][[rxt3]][[rxt2]]
Posts : 62
View user profile

[Episode] Perhaps sometimes piracy is a right thing? - Page 2 Empty Re: [Episode] Perhaps sometimes piracy is a right thing?

on Mon Sep 21, 2020 10:52 am
[Episode] Perhaps sometimes piracy is a right thing? - Page 2 Giphy
(Note that picture is merely illustrative, the background should be voided)

Squatting down to check out closer what was there, Karl noticed something as he moved the hand towards the nail head. He began to pull it a bit, which caused the piece of wooden board to move. The board seemed quite loose and did not require much force to be removed, which Karl did. Upon loosening the board, a sight awaited him and the old lady who was spectating Karl the entire time while holding the valuable evidence box in her hands. Under the boards, there was a small storage hidden in the foundaion, and inside the storage space, a large bag.

Karl removed a couple of more loosened up wooden boards to gain more access to the storage and pull out the entire bag from there. The bag was quite heavy and jingly when put down, which lead Karl to blink. Upon opening the bag up, a shiny sight could be seen. The bag was full of Berry, probably all the money the marines had gathered from the store owner and others. "Now would you look at that here." Karl grinned as he said that.

"You know to who you need to hand it all out to, miss." Karl looked at the old lady, very softly smiling then, which has been somewhat of a rare sight these days. The old lady looked at Karl with a serious face expression, which then turned into a smile almost immediately aswell. "Please take some, I insist.. It's for helping us all." the old lady said to Karl with soft and generous tone. Karl could not help but blink at the generous offer. He knew that the right thing would have been to decline the offer, but he also knew he was out of Berry, and tiny bit would surely help him out, taking some for himself.

Few more minutes had passed when Karl and the old lady exited the marine quarters. Karl carrying the heavy Berry bag and the old lady carrying the evidence box. The bag and box were taken over to the store. "I cannot stay any longer here unfortunately. Tomorrow, a new set of marines will probably be here to arrest me if I stay here. When they arrive, hand the evidence over to them.." Karl said as he looked at the old lady, moving over to his own bag and picks it up, tossing it over his shoulder. "Why would they arrest you young man? I mean you helped us out, he was obviously corrupt." the old lady blinked, a bit confused at what he said. Karl could not help but smile a bit, sighing softly then. "At the end of the day, he was still a marine. A civilian bringing such justice is often frowned upon. There is a chance that the Lieutenant has died, labling me as a murderer, or if he hasn't, then attempted murder.

It was then at this point when the little boy who had been hiding in the store this entire time would run out of the back room, holding onto the sandwich and the bottled water which Karl intended to buy for himself, handing them over to Karl. "Big thank you, mister!" the boy said to Karl with a wide smile. Karl nodded his head and smiled at the kid. "What ever happens to me, what ever I may be labled, know that I do not regrett helping you out." Karl said this before turning around and starting to leave the store, waving the back of his hand at the old lady and the boy. "Fare well!" both of them shouted out at Karl as he took his leave, continuing his travels.

A normal travel to Baterilla Island has now highly likely put a bounty on Karl's head for his actions to protect the people of the village and hopefully granting them all a better life for the future. Some people in the village may see Karl for these actions as a hero. Some as a criminal, a pirate or a bandit. But what was done, is done. For Karl however, the trip has now turned into a personal mission to find more out about the Moosebella crime family. What better place to find more info, than to do what he does the best. Go and become a bartender at some waterhole, with plenty of shady people.

The End

________________________________________________________
BEHOLD! MY STUFF.

Gray
[Episode] Perhaps sometimes piracy is a right thing? - Page 2 Cool-t10
Tracker

Name : Gray Starks
Epithet : The Conqueror (Formerly "Black Fist")
Age : 49
Height : 10'2" / 310 cm
Weight : 1043 lbs / 473 kg
Species : Human Cyborg
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Lurking Legend (Former Yonkou)
Crew : Black Fist Pirates (Destroyed)
Ship : Sangria's Vane (Destroyed)
Crew Role : Captain (Former)
Devil Fruit : Pressure-Pressure Fruit
Haki Level : 9
[[haospec]][[busospec]][[kenbunspec]]
Hitpoints (HP) : 750
Attack (ATK) : 800
Defense (DEF) : 600
Reflex (RX) : 715
Willpower (WP) : 650
Level : 100
Prestige : 8
Experience Points : 18000
Bounty : 5,000,000,000
EXP Multiplier : +10%
Income Multiplier : +20%
Shop Discount : -30%
Berries Berries : 25,000,000,000
[[strollingdeath]][[baneoftheweak]][[riseandshine]][[freakofnature]][[childofdestiny]]
[[punchoutguru]][[windcaller]]
[[atkt6_sp]][[deft6]][[rxt6]][[wpt6]]
Posts : 2367
View user profile

[Episode] Perhaps sometimes piracy is a right thing? - Page 2 Empty Quest Grading

on Mon Oct 05, 2020 9:02 am

GRADING


COMMENTS
Karl Friedrich
+ In your first post, you establish Karl as your point-of-view. In such a case, it is important to narrate from your character's perspective.

Omniscient exposition is something we all fall victim to as writers. While it can be useful at times, you should consider whether it is necessary, or if you can't reveal these details from your character's viewpoint.

As an example for this particular scenario, you could have described the village in dialogue. Maybe the person who ferried Karl was from this village, and very talkative at that. You could've used them as a tool to provide meta-information about the village. At the same time, this would allow you to show a glimpse of Karl's personality by describing his reactions to this chatterbox. I did note Karl's "He wasn't lying, it really is small" comment. This was good because it indicated that the previous information you exposed about the village was all something Karl most likely heard from the sailor.

This same idea of using Karl as your anchor to describe things can apply to all of your writing. Binding your exposition to your character's perspective is an important tool in highlighting the fact that this is, in fact, Karl's story.

+ I assume you mean "birch" when you say "borch" - as in the tree.

+ The introduction of Karl's first conflict felt a bit too flat and generic. The typical thugs you used for marines felt like brutes you'd find in a children's story.

While I respect you going for more humble origins, I do think you could have added a bit more personality to the two marines to make the encounter more unique. I have faith you can do better than "You heard me. Which Marine school did you graduate? Bandit version of it?", even if you were intentionally going for a cheesy line.

Also, when you write "Clearly those simple words hit somewhat deep", you have already shown what effects Karl's words had by describing their reaction. You should not simply state that the words made a deep impact. It is redundant.

+  The introduction of the main baddie and what led up to that fight was, again, respectably humble, but far too generic and flat.

+ Mechanically speaking, you did exceptionally well with your first use of the combat system. No errors stood out besides the ones we'd already talked about (which I appreciated you fixing). Kudos!

+ It's pant/panted, not panth/panthed. Also, it's assault/assaulted, not assult/assulted. XD I highly recommend using something like Grammarly to type out your posts. It would help with some basic grammatical errors and typos like these!

+ I appreciated Karl's realisation of how far he went in this fight and the regret over it. It was a good character development moment.

+ I look forward to seeing why Karl seems interested in the Moosebella crime family!


Overall, I feel like this thread fell rather flat. As mentioned before, I can see that you might have been trying to go for a bit more of a humble beginning for Karl, but even so, the story barely had any plot, and I did not find any of the characters particularly interesting. The fight was especially tedious. While I realise that the combat system determines how long a fight drags out, you can still do plenty of character development and fun stuff within the fight itself, as demonstrated in the example quest I have linked before. Regardless, keep up the effort and strive for improvement in your writing, and I'm sure Karl's tale will transform for the better!




REWARDS

Karl Friedrich
Difficulty Bonus: +25% (+1)
Quality Bonus: +50% (C)
NOTE: Since I had raised the rewards of the "grading pending" after first giving out your rewards, I have bumped up your quality bonus from +25% to +50% despite giving a C.

EXP: 123 1.4*[50 + (50%*50) + (25%*50)]
Berries: 6,737,500 1.4*[250k*11 + 50%(250k*11) + 25%(250k*11)]
Bounty: 8,000,000 | {For the attempted (or actual) murder of a Marine lieutenant, even if he was later found guilty for corruption.}

Old balance: 0
Updated balance: 6,737,500






________________________________________________________


Back to top
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Join Revival Dawn on Discord