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[Tracker] Molly TohvYesterday at 10:47 pmMolly Tohv[Episode] Mink-staken IdentityWed Feb 28, 2024 8:51 amYumiko[Claims] Face ClaimsTue Feb 27, 2024 11:15 amGray[World Event] A Fool's ErrandMon Feb 26, 2024 12:41 pmYumiko[Rolls] Start me up!Fri Feb 23, 2024 11:16 amRNGesus[Arc] Mountains and Plains: Part III - The Grand TourThu Feb 22, 2024 6:06 amYumiko[Bio] Molly TohvWed Feb 21, 2024 9:05 pmGray[Tracker] Hammerhead JoeFri Feb 16, 2024 9:04 amHammerhead Joe[Board] Quest Requests and Quest GradingsThu Feb 15, 2024 2:11 pmGray
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Anton La'croix
Anton La'croix
Name : Anton La'croix
Epithet : Screaming Grasshopper
Age : 23
Height : 5'9''
Weight : 186lb
Species : Human
Faction : Marine
World Position : Rear Admiral
Crew : The Guardian Knights
Ship : The Grand Steamer
Crew Role : Captain
Devil Fruit : Bug-Bug Fruit, Model: Grasshopper
Quality Score : S
EXP Bonus : +0.20 (to all allies)
Income Bonus : +0.15 (from world position); +0.16 (from turf); +0.20 (to all allies)
Balance : [bel] 1,472,069,543

Turf : [turf="/t299-turf-details-minion-island#1113"]Minion Island[/turf]
Posts : 640

A Knight's Duty [Minion Contestation Arc part 3] - Page 3 Empty Re: A Knight's Duty [Minion Contestation Arc part 3]

This post has in-line assessment comments.Wed Dec 16, 2020 3:51 pm
As Yumiko's hand dropped down, limp and lifeless, fear gripped Anton's heart. No. She couldn't be gone. Not like this...

Dr. Black moved to her side, kneeling down. His hand reached to check her pulse. Even behind the mask, Anton could tell his expression was flat. "She'll be fine." And like that, hope blossomed within him. "Are you sure?" "Yes. Pulse is steady. She's just unconscious."

What a relief. Anton let out a sigh. "I'm if you'll excuse me..." Anton collapsed onto his side. Black reached to check his pulse as Celia ran up to them. "He's ok. Just exhausted. We should get them somewhere to recover while we clean up here."

And so concludes the great Minion Island campaign. The Guardian Knights had won.
The Conqueror / Black Fist
Name : Gray
Epithet : "The Conqueror"; "Black Fist"
Age : 49
Height : 10'2" (310 cm)
Weight : 1043 lbs (473 kg)
Species : Cyborg Human
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Lurking Legend (Former Yonkou)
Crew : Black Fist Pirates (Destroyed)
Ship : Sangria's Vane (Destroyed)
Crew Role : Captain (Former)
Devil Fruit : Pressure-Pressure Fruit
Bounty : [ber=r] 5,000,000,000
EXP Bonus : +0.20 (to all allies)
Income Bonus : +0.20
Shop Discount : -30%
Balance : [bel] 25,000,000,000

Posts : 3841

A Knight's Duty [Minion Contestation Arc part 3] - Page 3 Empty Re: A Knight's Duty [Minion Contestation Arc part 3]

This post has in-line assessment comments.Fri Jan 08, 2021 1:38 pm


Anton La'croix
+ [Great. ANOTHER crazy on their crew.] Hehehe, I feel that.

+ [giving him a salute] You tend to say "gave a salute" a lot. You should just say "saluted". It is a verb too, after all.

+ In the scene where the commander receives the message about Suika not arriving soon, you're essentially repeating the same information twice. Try to avoid doing that. In the first bit of dialogue, you could have had the conversation between the commander and the soldier on the Den Den Mushi be illegible.

+ I would've liked to see a bit more buildup to the assault on Minion Island. Some scouting beforehand would have aided the overall plot and helped set up characters. Not to mention it would have been a smarter military strategy.

+ According to the combat guide, the ships' techniques should have alternated between MT and LT every round. But, since Ship Combat isn't fleshed out yet, I'm gonna overlook this error.

+ I would've liked to see at least a sliver of deliberation or hesitation behind Anton's decision to assign a boarding party to Ryoma so early. There's no development in their relationship before this.

+ [John always had a habit of looking down on people shorter than himself, and considering he was a member of the Long-Legged tribe, many tended to be shorter than him.] I've mentioned this in your other gradings, but, be careful of the perspective shifts in your narration. This is from your boss' perspective. If you're going to shift your PoV from Anton to your boss, you should make the transition obvious. Try not to jump between PoVs within the same paragraph. And really, you should not be doing PoV shifts anyway unless they contribute significantly to the plot. If this is Anton's story, you should show as much of it through his eyes and ears as possible.

+ While I completely respect the fact that Anton has gone through character development, I do miss the days when Anton used to run around like a headless chicken. Admittedly, those fights were notably more entertaining to read. But, again, I understand that his character development is what makes him more confident in his abilities.

+ Hah! Anton refusing to let Edward Mine talk made me chuckle.

+ In this post, your opponent's damage with the MT should have been 16, not 13. Not that it mattered in the long run, but, try to be careful and be sure to double-check your numbers.

+ I liked how you paused the fight to give a false sense of security before delivering the final blow!

+ I also like how Anton is growing to trust Yumiko. He doesn't need to check if she followed. She always does.

+ You have to calculate your Kenbunshoku buff using your WP, not your RX. It should have been 10% of your 320 WP = 32.

+ I've mentioned this in another thread I graded, but, please do not roll for Stat Morphs that are purely buffing. You only need rolls for debuffing Stat Morphs.

+ The way you applied the WP debuff in the second thread was incorrect. Please see "How do WP debuffs work?" in the FAQ. Your boss died way earlier than he should have. With the 75% WP debuff, his HP should've been reduced from 124 to 106, because the 100 HP is the base HP without any contributions from WP. By all measures, that boss was not yet defeated.

+  [Anton's cry grey into a haunting shriek, one that echoed over the whole island.] Might be a bit early for Anton's shriek to be powerful enough to echo over the entire island.

+ That tumble down the tunnel at the end of part II was fun. That's the classic Anton I know and love.

+ [The slippery walls allowed them to push themselves up.] That logic is questionable at best.

+ In the last thread, you targeted Yumiko's boss with your Trembling Din AoE. When you target someone else's boss, they must target you back with their combo. Not that it would've mattered in this particular case. Also, be careful about targetting your crewmate's bosses. As soon as you engage them in combat, the difficulty score for your crewmate will change for that boss based on your level since it is the highest. By targetting Byron's Boozing Buddies, you immediately made that boss a -4 for Yumiko.

+ In this post and this post, you have no active techniques and yet your boss' RX is debuffed somehow. Please avoid errors like this.

+ Once you bring your Companions into a combat engagement, you must have them do escape rolls to disengage.

+ [He eyes glanced over at the wall beside him, his sword buried in it from when he threw it.] Good job remembering this from a few posts back!

+ Yumiko's introduction was fantastic. In the very first post, I get a clear picture of the kind of person Yumiko is - if I didn't know already.

+ [Sensitive hearing did have its ups and downs. Just like having a sharp nose was a pain after physical training. ...And on laundry day.] Seems like Yumiko has never been assigned latrine duty. Now there's an idea for a future scene.

+ "Island of Mini Oni" LOL.

+ The transition from the comedic moment of scraggly pirates losing their beards to an emotional moment of them lamenting over their loss in pride (and its impact on Yumiko) was fantastic. Very true to the One Piece theme.

+ LOL. The shock of being head-patted knocked the pirate accent right off of Alebeard's tongue.

+ [She was simply... measuring the distance between them, judging it with her own eyes. To be able to discern one’s true strength at a glance was the mark of a great swordsman.] Loved the Mihawk reference.

+ [Exactly as the savvy captain predicted, his self-proclaimed servant followed right behind him.] This would be slightly meta. Yumiko's narrator and Anton's narrator should not share consciousness. Anton's prediction was stated by Anton's narrator.

+ [Unfortunately, the cut was left a little too shallow and he soon struggled onto his feet again. He had not survived this long just to be an easy target.] Random PoV shift in the last sentence.

+ NPC bosses may only use flats. If you made him use a canceller purely for the sake of doing a meatshield scene, you didn't have to. You could have simply done a meatshield scene without using mechanical techniques. Or, you could have set up your boss to include all the scouts instead of just the suspicious old pirate and have the old man use his henchman as a meatshield when taking damage.

+ [His statement of the obvious was revered like the word of a god.] *Slow applause*

+ There is a PoV shift to the unkempt man in the third paragraph of this post. This is fine, as there is at least a paragraph break before the PoV shift. However, at the end of this paragraph, the PoV shifts back to Yumiko. There should probably be a paragraph break before this PoV shift.

+ While she was knocked out, I was hoping to see a flashback of Yumiko's time in Wano that might have explored further why she is so hard on herself, especially when defeated. Maybe one day!

+ [She honestly couldn’t consider herself that anymore! And that’s when the thought took a strange echo from the darkest depths of her mind. Indeed... She was no longer a samurai...] She must perform harakiri.

+ Since Yumiko did not do at least 20% damage to Giant Blood Byron, she, unfortunately, could not benefit from his difficulty score.

Nobunaga Ryoma
+ While your vocabulary is pretty solid, you tend to linger too long on mundane details. Describing every action of your character is not only unnecessary, but it detracts from the plot. Try to keep your focus on actions which contribute to plot development and/or character development.

+ [Ryoma would swing the wood at his side to get his juices flowing...] [The samurai would turn around...] You use "would" a lot when describing the action your character is performing. Each one of your characters' actions read like hypotheses. When roleplaying with other player characters, you should only use hypothetical clauses when directly interacting with another player character because you're uncertain of their reactions. For all other actions, you should avoid hypotheses. For example: "Ryoma swung the wood at his side to get his juices flowing..." "The samurai turned around..." etc.
Writing in the hypothetical conditional form can leave the reader confused because they may unconsciously wait for an "if" in your sentence which will never come.

+ [Of course, they didn't frighten then young samurai then, and they might as well be scared of Ryoma now. Ryoma would almost lurch over Julies, Ryoma's face is mostly covered by the shadow created with the angle of the samurai's head. Now, Ryoma wasn't trying to be intimidating, he just has a hard time meeting new people.] Your choice of tense is very inconsistent in some posts. Poor grammar almost always makes for a poor scene.

+ [Engine is runnin' smoother den a baby's bosom] It's "bottom", not "bosom". This sounds unintentionally weird and/or creepy.

+ It's "salute", not "solute".

+ I enjoyed the flamboyant manner in which your boss fought! Taking a butt punch to the face has gotta be a new low for Ryoma.

I was glad to see development in the relationship and camaraderie between Anton and Yumiko in this arc. It served as a solid pillar for the otherwise uneventful arc.

The invasion of Minion Island was disappointing. There was no character development for the former residents of Minion Island, and Anton's boss fights felt especially cookie-cutter. The mystery and tension set up by Yumiko upon the introduction of the big baddie had me hopeful for the last thread of the arc, but, unfortunately, he was immediately turned into a generic boss in the following post. When doing arcs, especially conquest arcs, I expect a form of story progression beyond just the generic "fight one boss, fight another boss, fight the last boss". This formula may work in video games '90s video games, but, it does not work in RP.

In most RP threads, there can be a dominant RPer that tends to set the scene and plot for the rest of his/her fellow RPers. In this quest, that was clearly Anton. In such cases, it is the dominant RPer's responsibility to create a cohesive plot which allows room for their thread-mates to tell their own stories too. OOC communication can be very helpful in such cases. Do your best to learn from each other and plan out your plots OOCly so your threads don't meander or become straightforward stories with little to no intrigue.

Lastly, the conclusion of the quest also left a lot to be desired. A story, especially one with so much at stake, should not end right after climax (though there are interesting ways of doing this too). You ended your quest basically the moment you defeated the final boss. Imagine if a One Piece arc ended as soon as Luffy beat the big baddie. That's how this felt. I realise that you guys are extending the story in socials, but, still, an arc should read like a complete story with a proper beginning, middle, and end.


Anton La'croix
Difficulty Bonus: +25% (+1) (Since there were several errors in your combat, and one of the mini-bosses was defeated incorrectly, I've reduced the difficulty score to +1.
Quality Bonus: +50% (B)
Length Bonus: - (12,367 words) (Since this thread was completed before the post requirement for quests was changed to word requirements, I will not deduct any rewards for not meeting the arc word requirement.)
Income Multiplier: +35%

EXP: 438 [250 + (25%*250) + (50%*250)]
Berries: 99,760,000 [800k*58 + 25%(800k*58) + 50%(800k*58) + 35%(800k*58)]

Old EXP: 5369
Updated EXP: 5807

Old balance: 312,880,000
Updated balance: 412,640,000

Difficulty Bonus: -30% (-3) (This difficulty bonus is - 30% since your final boss became a -4 from Anton's attack. Please be mindful of this in the future!)
Quality Bonus: +200% (S)
Length Bonus: 1.15 (15,589 words)
Income Multiplier: +25%

EXP: 675 [250 - (30%*250) + (200%*250)]
Berries: 80,240,000 [800k*34 - 30%(800k*34) + 200%(800k*34) + 25%(800k*34)]

Old EXP: 2763
Updated EXP: 3438

Old balance: 172,160,000
Updated balance: 252,400,000

Ryoma Nobunaga
Difficulty Bonus: (No difficulty bonus since no boss fights were completed.)
Quality Bonus: +50% (B)
Length Bonus: (No length bonus since the quest wasn't completed.)

EXP: 60 [40 + (50%*40)] (Reduced the base XP to 40 since the quest wasn't completed.)
Berries: 3,000,000 [200k*10 + 50%(200k*10)] (Reduced the base monetary reward since the quest wasn't completed.)

Old EXP: 1000
Updated EXP: 1060

Old balance: 50,000
Updated balance: 3,050,000

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