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- Maxwell
[tracker=/t139-richard-maxwell#516]
Name : Richard Maxwell
Epithet : Plague Rat
Age : 49
Height : 6'0" / 183 cm
Weight : 160 lbs. / 73 kg
Species : Human
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Supernova
Bounty : [bel=r] 243,000,000
Quality Score : S+
Income Bonus : +0.20 (to all allies); +0.11 (from turf)
Shop Discount : -10%
Balance : [bel] 2,204,829,125
[[bookworm]][[firstaidkit]][[berryprinter]]
[[identitytheft]][[identitytheft]][[improviseadaptovercome]][[logia]]
Turf : [turf=/t353-turf-details-rubeck-island#1168]Rubeck Island[/turf]
Posts : 315
Re: [Episode] The Rats and the Rookie
Sun Jan 31, 2021 4:53 am
Gunshots from near and far sang in a disharmonious chorus. A wounded Marine staggered back, clutching his bloody gut weakly. The rifle slipped his grasp, clattering against the ground, more noise in the cacophony. He bumped right into a group of his allies who had their hands full with violently struggling suspects. Summoning a respectable amount of self-control, he channeled his pain into a commanding shout. “Don’t let him get away!” His sharp, accusing point revealed the cowering, disheveled rat like a spotlight. The beehive had been poked. In an instant, the white swarm spun around, angry and eager to sting something to death. Blades were drawn and rifles were aimed.
And that was the rat’s cue to exit the stage.
Richard quickly hid behind his suitcase. A hail of lead pinged against the reinforced metal frame. Once again, the expensive enhancement was saving his sorry hide. As the volley subsided, he quickly snapped the suitcase shut and scampered back onto his feet. A couple of shots in return kept the swordsmen at bay. Who brought a sword into a gunfight anyway? As the weapon clicked empty, he quickly turned tail and ran. Adrenaline was a wonderful painkiller. Each step was only agonizing, instead of detabilating. It was a fine line, you know... More gunshots motivated him to run faster, including one that pierced right into his keister. Digging that one out later was going to be a real pain in the ass...
Luckily, the chaos was proving helpful in the daring escape. The fleeing crook elbowed his way through a bucket chain, putting several surprised soldiers between himself and his pursuers. Even they weren’t crazy enough to shoot when their allies were in the line of fire. Angry shouts echoed from behind him, commanding his capture. The white swarm grew little by little, as more free hands joined the chase. His eyes scanned the ruined warehouses ahead, trying to find that criminal-sized hole in the chain-link fence. No... Not that one... Nope... Wait, there! Hope -and desperation- quickened his steps, despite his wheezing breath. Just a little longer.
Upon reaching the fence, Richard glanced over his shoulder. The hounds were gaining on him and raising their rifles for another volley. He stuffed the gun into his pocket and turned to his suitcase again. Rapid rummaging produced a big flash sloshing with pitch-black liquid. His gleaming gaze shifted back onto the pursuers. “Now... gentlemen... Let’s all just... take a deep breath...” He slammed the flask against the ground. A massive cloud of dark haze swallowed the immediate area. The pursuers dove fearlessly into it... And immediately regretted the decision. Bloody coughing and hacking filled the air. Several soldiers collapsed from the virulent poisoning.
And the rat silently vanished into the shadows...
WC: 460
Total: 5274
And that was the rat’s cue to exit the stage.
Richard quickly hid behind his suitcase. A hail of lead pinged against the reinforced metal frame. Once again, the expensive enhancement was saving his sorry hide. As the volley subsided, he quickly snapped the suitcase shut and scampered back onto his feet. A couple of shots in return kept the swordsmen at bay. Who brought a sword into a gunfight anyway? As the weapon clicked empty, he quickly turned tail and ran. Adrenaline was a wonderful painkiller. Each step was only agonizing, instead of detabilating. It was a fine line, you know... More gunshots motivated him to run faster, including one that pierced right into his keister. Digging that one out later was going to be a real pain in the ass...
Luckily, the chaos was proving helpful in the daring escape. The fleeing crook elbowed his way through a bucket chain, putting several surprised soldiers between himself and his pursuers. Even they weren’t crazy enough to shoot when their allies were in the line of fire. Angry shouts echoed from behind him, commanding his capture. The white swarm grew little by little, as more free hands joined the chase. His eyes scanned the ruined warehouses ahead, trying to find that criminal-sized hole in the chain-link fence. No... Not that one... Nope... Wait, there! Hope -and desperation- quickened his steps, despite his wheezing breath. Just a little longer.
Upon reaching the fence, Richard glanced over his shoulder. The hounds were gaining on him and raising their rifles for another volley. He stuffed the gun into his pocket and turned to his suitcase again. Rapid rummaging produced a big flash sloshing with pitch-black liquid. His gleaming gaze shifted back onto the pursuers. “Now... gentlemen... Let’s all just... take a deep breath...” He slammed the flask against the ground. A massive cloud of dark haze swallowed the immediate area. The pursuers dove fearlessly into it... And immediately regretted the decision. Bloody coughing and hacking filled the air. Several soldiers collapsed from the virulent poisoning.
And the rat silently vanished into the shadows...
WC: 460
Total: 5274
________________________________________________________
Wanted Dead or Alive: Richard 'Plague Rat' Maxwell
- GuestGuest
Re: [Episode] The Rats and the Rookie
Sun Jan 31, 2021 11:06 pm
Round 5:
Jeremy Filth uses Shell Breaker on Fake Richard Maxwell
Jeremy Filth uses The One Two on Fake Richard Maxwell
Jeremy Filth uses UT on Fake Richard Maxwell
Fake Richard Maxwell uses:
HT on Jeremy Filth
UT on Jeremy Filth
Jeremy Filth uses Shell Breaker on Fake Richard Maxwell
Jeremy Filth uses The One Two on Fake Richard Maxwell
Jeremy Filth uses UT on Fake Richard Maxwell
Fake Richard Maxwell uses:
HT on Jeremy Filth
UT on Jeremy Filth
- NPCNPC
Tracker
Name : Variable
Epithet : Variable
Age : 0
Height : Variable
Weight : Variable
Species : Variable
Faction : Variable
Crew : Variable
Ship : Variable
Crew Role : Variable
Devil Fruit : Variable
Bounty : Variable
Balance : Variable
Posts : 1287
Re: [Episode] The Rats and the Rookie
Sun Jan 31, 2021 11:06 pm
The member 'Jeremy Filth' has done the following action : Dice Roll
#1 'Reflex Check' : 14, 7, 5
--------------------------------
#2 'Reflex Check' : 6, 17
#1 'Reflex Check' : 14, 7, 5
--------------------------------
#2 'Reflex Check' : 6, 17
- GuestGuest
Re: [Episode] The Rats and the Rookie
Mon Feb 01, 2021 8:17 pm
“Just give up and die already?!” screamed Jeremy.
Mr Maxwell didn't respond. The mobster was turtled up on the ground. His back was up, his belly was down, and he was on his knees with his head, arms and legs tucked in as much as possible so as to protect himself from Jeremy's unrelenting barrage of bullets. It was arguably cowardly but unarguably effective as tactic. When combined with his haki, it meant that no matter what Jeremy did or what angle Jeremy tried to shoot him from, none of the shots were lethal.
Jeremy wouldn't be able to see it, not with the smoke, the flames and the shadows in the warehouse, but Mr. Maxwell had an ace up his sleeve. Literally. The mobster weaseled his fat fingers up one of the sleeves of his suit and pulled out a small baggy of dark green powder that had been taped to the inside. With his teeth he ripped open the bag and inhaled the powder.
The effects of the drug were near instantaneous. Before the ensign's eyes Mr. Maxwell's muscles swelled, his skin turned blood red and his eyes became dilated and bloodshot. He growled and snarled like an animal as he stood up. He seemed to feel no pain now. Not from his injuries. Not from the bullets that kept ripping holes in his skin. Not even from the flames that still engulfed his head and melted his skin like plastic.
With speed that Jeremy couldn't comprehend Mr. Maxwell jumped to his feet and shot forward like a cannonball, slamming into Jeremy shoulder first. Such force was behind the blow that Jeremy was sent tumbling back and when he slammed painfully into the damaged wall of the warehouse house he still had enough momentum to break through and go head over heel, side over side, out onto the street. Before Jeremy even realized he'd stopped tumbling Mr. Maxwell was on top of him.
Blow after after blow from Mr. Maxwell's heavy fists rained down on Jeremy who desperately covered up to avoid being beaten to death. Not that it did him much good. In his current state the mobster's fists were like sledge hammers and with out armament haki to help out, there was no way Jeremy could just keep blocking the blows. Something had to give.
Time seemed to slow down as Jeremy's observation extended outwards at Mr. Maxwell. Suddenly he could see the intent behind each of the mobsters movements. Even in the heat of the moment Jeremy could now time the attacks and could guess mostly accurately where they would go and what the next one would be. Suddenly Jeremy knew what he needed to do.
His finger's tightened around Judge and Jury as Mr. Maxwell reared back and brought his fist together in the air above his head. Now was the time to act. Jeremy brought this guns up and let the mobster have it with both barrels. The bullets landed flush in Mr. Maxwell's elbows, shattering them and showering Jeremy with blood and bone fragments. Mr. Maxwell let out a guttural scream as his arms fell limp and Jeremy fired off two more shots. This time the bullets flew upwards into Mr. Maxwell's wide open mouth and exploded out the back of his head, taking large chunks of his brain with them.
Finally Mr. Maxwell fell over dead. Jeremy's haki faded as he let out a loud sigh of relief. His ears were ringing from all the explosions and gun fire. He was bruised and bloody in several places. It felt like his whole ached. Smoke from various places stung his eyes and his lungs, but despite all of that he was still alive and Mr. Maxwell wasn't.
Mission accomplished. Meanwhile the ship out at the harbor, the one that had delivered the bomb in the first place, raised it's anchors, hoisted it's gangplanks and silently disappeared into the night.
Mr Maxwell didn't respond. The mobster was turtled up on the ground. His back was up, his belly was down, and he was on his knees with his head, arms and legs tucked in as much as possible so as to protect himself from Jeremy's unrelenting barrage of bullets. It was arguably cowardly but unarguably effective as tactic. When combined with his haki, it meant that no matter what Jeremy did or what angle Jeremy tried to shoot him from, none of the shots were lethal.
Jeremy wouldn't be able to see it, not with the smoke, the flames and the shadows in the warehouse, but Mr. Maxwell had an ace up his sleeve. Literally. The mobster weaseled his fat fingers up one of the sleeves of his suit and pulled out a small baggy of dark green powder that had been taped to the inside. With his teeth he ripped open the bag and inhaled the powder.
The effects of the drug were near instantaneous. Before the ensign's eyes Mr. Maxwell's muscles swelled, his skin turned blood red and his eyes became dilated and bloodshot. He growled and snarled like an animal as he stood up. He seemed to feel no pain now. Not from his injuries. Not from the bullets that kept ripping holes in his skin. Not even from the flames that still engulfed his head and melted his skin like plastic.
With speed that Jeremy couldn't comprehend Mr. Maxwell jumped to his feet and shot forward like a cannonball, slamming into Jeremy shoulder first. Such force was behind the blow that Jeremy was sent tumbling back and when he slammed painfully into the damaged wall of the warehouse house he still had enough momentum to break through and go head over heel, side over side, out onto the street. Before Jeremy even realized he'd stopped tumbling Mr. Maxwell was on top of him.
Blow after after blow from Mr. Maxwell's heavy fists rained down on Jeremy who desperately covered up to avoid being beaten to death. Not that it did him much good. In his current state the mobster's fists were like sledge hammers and with out armament haki to help out, there was no way Jeremy could just keep blocking the blows. Something had to give.
Time seemed to slow down as Jeremy's observation extended outwards at Mr. Maxwell. Suddenly he could see the intent behind each of the mobsters movements. Even in the heat of the moment Jeremy could now time the attacks and could guess mostly accurately where they would go and what the next one would be. Suddenly Jeremy knew what he needed to do.
His finger's tightened around Judge and Jury as Mr. Maxwell reared back and brought his fist together in the air above his head. Now was the time to act. Jeremy brought this guns up and let the mobster have it with both barrels. The bullets landed flush in Mr. Maxwell's elbows, shattering them and showering Jeremy with blood and bone fragments. Mr. Maxwell let out a guttural scream as his arms fell limp and Jeremy fired off two more shots. This time the bullets flew upwards into Mr. Maxwell's wide open mouth and exploded out the back of his head, taking large chunks of his brain with them.
Finally Mr. Maxwell fell over dead. Jeremy's haki faded as he let out a loud sigh of relief. His ears were ringing from all the explosions and gun fire. He was bruised and bloody in several places. It felt like his whole ached. Smoke from various places stung his eyes and his lungs, but despite all of that he was still alive and Mr. Maxwell wasn't.
Mission accomplished. Meanwhile the ship out at the harbor, the one that had delivered the bomb in the first place, raised it's anchors, hoisted it's gangplanks and silently disappeared into the night.
- Word Count:
WC: 589
TWC: 8396
- COMBAT TRACKERS:
- PLAYER STATS:
(List the current values for your stats below, accounting for stat morphs and damage.)
HP:101 (155 - (10 + 10 + 2) – 10 – 5 – (4 + 9) - 4)
ATK:132 (110 * 1.2)
DEF:105
RX:96 (120 * 0.8)
WP:110
- PLAYER RATIOS:
(For each one of your opponents, list your current RX% and DMG% against them.)
Jeremy Filth vs. Fake Richard Maxwell
RX%: 96% (96/100)
DMG%: 145% (132/91)
- USED 3 TECHNIQUES | 1 TOGGLES | 0 HAKI:
(List all techniques (including UTs), toggles, and types of haki used/activated this turn and their effects.)
TECHNIQUES
Shell Breaker | HT | hit | flat-hybrid | 29 | Fake Richard Maxwell
The One Two | LT | grazing hit | flat | 7 | Fake Richard Maxwell
Generic UT | UT | grazing hit | flat | 3 | Fake Richard Maxwell
TOGGLES
Armor Piercing Rounds | +20% ATK, -20% RX
HAKI
{name} | {effect}
- 3 TECHNIQUES ACTIVE | 1 TOGGLES | 0 HAKI ACTIVE:
(List all techniques that have currently active effects and indicate the remaining duration. Also, indicate what effects they are dealing: e.g. DoT value, Stat Morph value.)
TECHNIQUES
Barrage of Bullets | 3 DMG | 3
Napalm Round | 3 DMG | 3
Tazer Round | -10% ATK, 7 DMG | 0
TOGGLES
Armor Piercing Rounds | +20% ATK, -20% RX
HAKI
- 5 TECHNIQUES COOLING DOWN | 1 HAKI COOLING DOWN:
(List all techniques and haki that are currently on cooldown and note the number of rounds before you can use them again.)
TECHNIQUES
High Explosive Grenade | 2
Crack Shot | 2
Between the Eyes | 3
Trick Shot | 1
Yeehaw! | 3
HAKI
Busoshoku | 7
- OPPONENT STATS:
(For each one of your opponents, list the current values for the stats below, accounting for stat morphs and damage.)
Fake Richard Maxwell
Level:15
HP: -8 (170 – 58 – (23 + 11 + 5 +5) – 4 – (3 + 3 + 7 + 7) – (3 + 3 + 7+ 29 + 7 + 3))
ATK:99 (110 * 0.9)
DEF: 91 (130 * 0.7)
RX:100
WP:140
- OPPONENT RATIOS:
(For each one of your opponents, list their current RX% and DMG% against you and your Crew Companions.)
Fake Richard Maxwell vs. Jeremy Filth
RX%:104% (100/96)
DMG%:94% (99 /105)
- OPPONENT TECHNIQUES USED:
(List the class, damage, and target of techniques used by each one of your opponents if you or your Crew Companions are the direct targets.)
Fake Richard Maxwell
HT | miss | 0 | Jeremy Filth
UT | hit | 4 | Jeremy Filth
- Maxwell
[tracker=/t139-richard-maxwell#516]
Name : Richard Maxwell
Epithet : Plague Rat
Age : 49
Height : 6'0" / 183 cm
Weight : 160 lbs. / 73 kg
Species : Human
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Supernova
Bounty : [bel=r] 243,000,000
Quality Score : S+
Income Bonus : +0.20 (to all allies); +0.11 (from turf)
Shop Discount : -10%
Balance : [bel] 2,204,829,125
[[bookworm]][[firstaidkit]][[berryprinter]]
[[identitytheft]][[identitytheft]][[improviseadaptovercome]][[logia]]
Turf : [turf=/t353-turf-details-rubeck-island#1168]Rubeck Island[/turf]
Posts : 315
Re: [Episode] The Rats and the Rookie
Sun Feb 07, 2021 5:44 am
Magicians could vanish seemingly into thin air, but rats had to resort to scurrying into hiding. Rapid footsteps tapped through murky alleyways. Snow crunched softly under a pair of ill-fitting boots. Raspy breaths struggled to reel in enough air for the lungs crying in protest. Just a little longer, just a little further, the mantra repeated in a mind flooded with fear. While the sounds of gunshots and shouting were growing distant, the blazing fires cast their dancing light far. The rising columns of grim smoke were visible even farther still. Even in the dead of night, the burning harbor would be buzzing with life for a while.
Eventually, the fleeing shadow dared to stop. It leaned against the cold brickwork, wheezing weakly. The healing concoction was just about done stitching his fractured ribs back together, making it a little easier to breathe. Slowly the telltale tingle shifted onto his burned features. The charred flesh started receding, reminiscent of make-up getting wiped away. A couple more hours and he would look like a regular person again, instead of a walking meatloaf. It would definitely help with avoiding detection. Most Marines weren’t stupid, even if he wanted to hope otherwise. They would start looking for a man with a charred face and a chef uniform all too soon.
After one more stabilizing breath, Richard turned his attention onto his precious, darling suitcase. Cradling it in his arms, he clutched it like a child hugged a stuffed toy. The grimy alley wasn’t exactly an ideal changing room, but the large trash cans at least provided some privacy. The suitcase opened its maw, revealing a treasure trove of clothing. ...Mostly brown suits, but still. Hastened by the lingering chill, he discarded his disguise and snatched select articles from the pile. A white shirt, dark pants and a matching jacket. In moments, he transformed from a shady chef to a shady gentleman.
The criminal rummaged through his belongings for a little longer. His pondering expression brightened as his hand found a stack of passports. One after another, he shuffled through the options. No, no, did that one already, no... Suddenly his smile sharpened. He slipped the passport into his pocket and stuffed the rest back. With a reassuring click, the suitcase was locked again. Straightening his back and adjusting his tie, he stepped out of the alley to the quiet street. Light steps took him towards, well, pretty much anywhere else except here. Maybe he would go find some cozy, little inn at the other end of the island. Sounded great right about now. Humming a pleasant tune, the sharp-dressed man disappeared into the snowy night, his tracks leading out of the town on a long road.
Goodbye Richard Maxwell...
Hello John Doe.
WC: 459
Total: 5733
Eventually, the fleeing shadow dared to stop. It leaned against the cold brickwork, wheezing weakly. The healing concoction was just about done stitching his fractured ribs back together, making it a little easier to breathe. Slowly the telltale tingle shifted onto his burned features. The charred flesh started receding, reminiscent of make-up getting wiped away. A couple more hours and he would look like a regular person again, instead of a walking meatloaf. It would definitely help with avoiding detection. Most Marines weren’t stupid, even if he wanted to hope otherwise. They would start looking for a man with a charred face and a chef uniform all too soon.
After one more stabilizing breath, Richard turned his attention onto his precious, darling suitcase. Cradling it in his arms, he clutched it like a child hugged a stuffed toy. The grimy alley wasn’t exactly an ideal changing room, but the large trash cans at least provided some privacy. The suitcase opened its maw, revealing a treasure trove of clothing. ...Mostly brown suits, but still. Hastened by the lingering chill, he discarded his disguise and snatched select articles from the pile. A white shirt, dark pants and a matching jacket. In moments, he transformed from a shady chef to a shady gentleman.
The criminal rummaged through his belongings for a little longer. His pondering expression brightened as his hand found a stack of passports. One after another, he shuffled through the options. No, no, did that one already, no... Suddenly his smile sharpened. He slipped the passport into his pocket and stuffed the rest back. With a reassuring click, the suitcase was locked again. Straightening his back and adjusting his tie, he stepped out of the alley to the quiet street. Light steps took him towards, well, pretty much anywhere else except here. Maybe he would go find some cozy, little inn at the other end of the island. Sounded great right about now. Humming a pleasant tune, the sharp-dressed man disappeared into the snowy night, his tracks leading out of the town on a long road.
Goodbye Richard Maxwell...
Hello John Doe.
WC: 459
Total: 5733
________________________________________________________
Wanted Dead or Alive: Richard 'Plague Rat' Maxwell
- GuestGuest
Re: [Episode] The Rats and the Rookie
Sun Feb 07, 2021 11:23 am
Epilogue
A few days later...
The days following the mission at the docks of Acme Imports had been hectic for Ensign Jeremy Filth. Despite having received doctor's orders to rest for a couple of days to recover from his battle with the mobster, and having the the paperwork on to prove it, they kept calling him into headquarters for questioning. Sometimes these questions came from higher ranking marines but often they came from agents belonging to Ciphor Pol 3. The one upside for Jeremy was that, due to his involvement in that mission, he'd been granted access to more information than his rank would normally allow.
Apparently the man Jeremy had gun downed in the warehouse was not the famed super nova, Richard Maxwell, but was instead the much smaller named pirate, Frank Barbarossa. Frank had been using Richard Maxwell's reputation inspire and intimidate others into working for him so that he could extend his power and influence. In order to aid with the investigation Jeremy had been given access to Frank's files.
Frank had been the child of a broken home. His father was a drunk and a drug addict and his mom wasn't much better. His records indicated that his first run in with law enforcement came when he was only six years old. Apparently he'd been caught shop lifting a box of candy from a convenient store and the records just went on and on from there. The records on Frank Barbarossa included just about any charge Jeremy could think of short of mass murder. Premeditated murder, conspiracy to commit murder, and voluntary manslaughter were all listed on his rap sheet along with assault, arson, blackmail, extortion, fraud, robbery, smuggling and many other things. Apparently he'd gotten involved with the mob after killing his dear old dad with a stolen firearm. At the time Frank was thirteen years old.
It all painted the picture of a kid who had nothing but who desired everything. That kid grew up into a man willing to do anything to get it. Such a shame. By all accounts Frank was a smart, hardworking and ambitious fellow. He would have made a great a marine or bounty hunter. Oh well, Jeremy had thought, he was dead now, so one less pirate. He wouldn't be missed.
What had been more interesting to Jeremy was the revelation that his hunch during the battle had been right. Frank Barbarossa had been one step ahead of Jeremy and the others on that mission. The sniper that had conveniently been too sick to go on that mission, forcing Jeremy to replace him was Ensign Andre Zaytsev. Andre had been on Frank's payroll and was selling information to the now dead mobster. When the mission went down Andre went missing. Cipher Pol was looking for him. They also believed there were other marines on Frank's payroll but wouldn't say anymore on the matter.
As for the mission itself, all things considered, it went well. Frank was dead and reinforcements from other towns on the island had arrived and helped quell the chaos with minimal casualties to civilians and law enforcement. Captain Mateo had survived and was expected the make a full recovery though he'd have some permanent scaring from the burns. For the marines and civilians that weren't so lucky a memorial service was scheduled to be held after the investigations wrapped up.
If there was one thing to really be thankful for it was that the damage done by the pirates had been mostly contained to Iron Side as the marines and local officials were able to keep it from spreading beyond that. A local construction company had been contracted by the World Government to help rebuild the town at no cost to the citizens and any prisoners that had been taken during the incident were shipped off to Impel Down for processing.
It wouldn't take long for everything to return to normal and for the people to forget all about the man who once tried to call himself Richard Maxwell.
A few days later...
The days following the mission at the docks of Acme Imports had been hectic for Ensign Jeremy Filth. Despite having received doctor's orders to rest for a couple of days to recover from his battle with the mobster, and having the the paperwork on to prove it, they kept calling him into headquarters for questioning. Sometimes these questions came from higher ranking marines but often they came from agents belonging to Ciphor Pol 3. The one upside for Jeremy was that, due to his involvement in that mission, he'd been granted access to more information than his rank would normally allow.
Apparently the man Jeremy had gun downed in the warehouse was not the famed super nova, Richard Maxwell, but was instead the much smaller named pirate, Frank Barbarossa. Frank had been using Richard Maxwell's reputation inspire and intimidate others into working for him so that he could extend his power and influence. In order to aid with the investigation Jeremy had been given access to Frank's files.
Frank had been the child of a broken home. His father was a drunk and a drug addict and his mom wasn't much better. His records indicated that his first run in with law enforcement came when he was only six years old. Apparently he'd been caught shop lifting a box of candy from a convenient store and the records just went on and on from there. The records on Frank Barbarossa included just about any charge Jeremy could think of short of mass murder. Premeditated murder, conspiracy to commit murder, and voluntary manslaughter were all listed on his rap sheet along with assault, arson, blackmail, extortion, fraud, robbery, smuggling and many other things. Apparently he'd gotten involved with the mob after killing his dear old dad with a stolen firearm. At the time Frank was thirteen years old.
It all painted the picture of a kid who had nothing but who desired everything. That kid grew up into a man willing to do anything to get it. Such a shame. By all accounts Frank was a smart, hardworking and ambitious fellow. He would have made a great a marine or bounty hunter. Oh well, Jeremy had thought, he was dead now, so one less pirate. He wouldn't be missed.
What had been more interesting to Jeremy was the revelation that his hunch during the battle had been right. Frank Barbarossa had been one step ahead of Jeremy and the others on that mission. The sniper that had conveniently been too sick to go on that mission, forcing Jeremy to replace him was Ensign Andre Zaytsev. Andre had been on Frank's payroll and was selling information to the now dead mobster. When the mission went down Andre went missing. Cipher Pol was looking for him. They also believed there were other marines on Frank's payroll but wouldn't say anymore on the matter.
As for the mission itself, all things considered, it went well. Frank was dead and reinforcements from other towns on the island had arrived and helped quell the chaos with minimal casualties to civilians and law enforcement. Captain Mateo had survived and was expected the make a full recovery though he'd have some permanent scaring from the burns. For the marines and civilians that weren't so lucky a memorial service was scheduled to be held after the investigations wrapped up.
If there was one thing to really be thankful for it was that the damage done by the pirates had been mostly contained to Iron Side as the marines and local officials were able to keep it from spreading beyond that. A local construction company had been contracted by the World Government to help rebuild the town at no cost to the citizens and any prisoners that had been taken during the incident were shipped off to Impel Down for processing.
It wouldn't take long for everything to return to normal and for the people to forget all about the man who once tried to call himself Richard Maxwell.
- Word Count:
WC: 674
TWC: 9070
- Gray
[tracker=/t131-tracker-gray-starks#504]
Name : Gray
Epithet : "The Conqueror"; "Black Fist"
Age : 49
Height : 10'2" (310 cm)
Weight : 1043 lbs (473 kg)
Species : Cyborg Human
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Lurking Legend (Former Yonkou)
Crew : Black Fist Pirates (Destroyed)
Ship : Sangria's Vane (Destroyed)
Crew Role : Captain (Former)
Devil Fruit : Pressure-Pressure Fruit
Bounty : [ber=r] 5,000,000,000
EXP Bonus : +0.20 (to all allies)
Income Bonus : +0.20
Shop Discount : -30%
Balance : [bel] 25,000,000,000
[[strollingdeath]][[baneoftheweak]][[riseandshine]][[childofdestiny]][[freakofnature]]
[[punchoutguru]][[dulcetvirtuoso]]
[[improviseadaptovercome]]
Posts : 3945
Re: [Episode] The Rats and the Rookie
Sun Feb 28, 2021 9:57 pm
GRADING
COMMENTS
- Jeremy Filth:
+ [Naturally this meant that the shops and taverns around the docks were open as well, eager as they were to help the tired and hungry sailors spend some of last night's earnings.] Using phrases like "last night" in your narration places your narrator at a specific point in time in your world/story. Unless the narrator himself is an entity that exists within the world they're telling the story of, you should keep them independent of your story's timeline. In this case, "previous night" would be more suitable.
This is not to be confused with how your narration is written in the "third-person limited" point-of-view from Jeremy's perspective. Just because the narrator's knowledge is limited to what Jeremy knows does not necessarily make him an entity that exists within Jeremy's world.
+ A ricochet elbow shot, hot damn. I really liked that description.
+ [No points for guessing who was going to have to scrub that up later.] I wanted some points, dammit!
+ [Luck had a funny way of changing at times.] That's "Lady Luck" to you. And yes, she is fickle.
+ [“But first,” Captain Mateo pointed to mess Jeremy had made on the floor when he'd been punched in the gut “clean that up.”] You seem to have a habit of over-explaining certain things in your narration which can take away from the flow of a scene sometimes. Don't leave your readers in the dark, but, also don't treat them like an idiot (unless your target readers are idiots - then, time to make better decisions).
I noted throughout the thread that this habit extends to the descriptions of your characters' actions and surroundings too. Providing minute details helps paint a rich picture. But, doing this every time will exhaust your reader too quickly. Spread out the detailed descriptions. Be pickier about when to be elaborate. 90% of the time, regardless of how descriptive you are, the picture in the readers' heads will not match yours. Being vague does not make your writing worse. It accentuates the parts where you are not.
+ [A few hours ago Jeremy had again met with Capt. Mateo in the captain's office where, behind the closed door, he'd been briefed on the mission. The shipment Capt. Mateo had mention earlier that day was coming via freighter ship to a private dock owned by Acme Imports. According the intelligence that had been gathered the last several weeks, this company was owned by Richard Maxwell, and was mainly used to insure his shipments seemed legitimate. That and good old fashioned money laundering. Every smart criminal knew to have some legitimate income coming in and you didn't get much smarter than “Plague Rat” Richard Maxwell. He was a supernova for a reason.] I know you mentioned that you like to do exposition through narration, but, I genuinely think this would've been far more interesting through a dialogue exchange. You are not at all bad at dialogue exchanges like you make yourself out to be. And I liked the dynamic you built up between Jeremy and Mateo through the previous dialogue exchange.
Reading this narration felt more like reading a police report. Police reports are notoriously boring - I'm sure Dax would concur. You should try experimenting with dialogue exposition more. I think your otherwise excellent writing will benefit significantly from it. The entire first half of that post was an exercise in telling rather than showing. Tell-don't-show is fine when your objective is to inform. But, when you're trying to write a story, consuming your exposition becomes a grind.
+ [By now the ringing in his ears had died down enough for him to hear himself scream.] This is another example of your narrator being placed at a specific point in time. "By then" would be more suitable.
+ I would've liked to see more plot progression while Jeremy was fighting Mr. Maxwell. The plot sort of just came to a halt. Some interesting dialogue exchanges between Jeremy and Mr. Maxwell could have helped curb this by providing character progression instead.
+ [Meanwhile the ship out at the harbor, the one that had delivered the bomb in the first place, raised it's anchors, hoisted it's gangplanks and silently disappeared into the night.] I'm interested to know when we will see this ship again.
+ The epilogue was another example of you telling rather than showing. No more police reports!
- Richard Maxwell:
+ [Ladies Luck and Fate, upon seeing this, decided that such loitering absolutely would not do.] I see Lady Fate is a guest star in this thread too.
+ Clyde needs to get with the program.
+ [...a floating piece of wood...] I believe the word you were looking for here was "driftwood" or "flotsam".
+ While Dr Maxwell's antics are always entertaining to read, I was a bit disappointed (there you have it) to see a lack of plot progression during Jeremy's fight against Mr Maxwell. As fun as running around being chased by uniformed maniacs can be, a solid plot point would have helped ground the mindless action.
REWARDS
- Jeremy Filth:
Difficulty Bonus: +25% (+1)
Quality Bonus: +200% (S)
Length Bonus: 1.80 (8,974 words)
EXP Multiplier: +0%
Income Multiplier: +13%
EXP: +293 (1.80*50)*(1+0.25+2+0)
Berries: +18,252,000 (1.80*12*250k)*(1+0.25+2+0.13)
Old EXP: 1000
Updated EXP: 1418 [+125 EXP from Maxwell]
Old balance: 6,050,000
Updated balance: 24,302,000
- Richard Maxwell:
Difficulty Bonus: -50% (-4)
Quality Bonus: +200% (S)
Length Bonus: 1.00 (5,733 words)
EXP Multiplier: +0%
Income Multiplier: +0%
EXP: +125 (1*50)*(1+(-0.5)+2+0) | {Let me know who this EXP is going to.}
Berries: +43,125,000 (1*69*250k)*(1+(-0.5)+2+0)
Bounty: +0 | {No one but Frank even knew the real Richard Maxwell was on the island.}
Old EXP: 6845
Updated EXP: 6845
Old balance: 101,405,000
Updated balance: 144,530,000
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