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TheRedBeard
Tracker

Name : Naraku
Epithet : Red-Beard
Age : 0
Species : Human
Haki Level : 0
Hitpoints (HP) : 100
Attack (ATK) : 0
Defense (DEF) : 0
Reflex (RX) : 0
Willpower (WP) : 0
Level : 1
Experience Points : 100
Berries Berries : 50,000
[[hardboiled]]
Posts : 4
View user profile

Naraku "The Red-Beard" Empty Naraku "The Red-Beard"

Thu May 20, 2021 8:58 pm

Naraku O. Kami


Naraku "The Red-Beard" CGl9glM

Basic Character Information


Starting Bonus: Hardboiled

First Name: Naraku
Middle Name/Initial: O.
Last Name: Kami
Epithet: "The Red-Beard"
Birthdate: July 6th 1798
Gender: Male
Species/Race/Tribe: Human
Faction: Pirate
Profession:  Shipwright, Martial Artist


Physical Appearance


Height: 8 ft.
Weight: 240 lbs.

Hair Style: Short and Tamed Back
Hair Color: Red
Eye Color: Red
Scars: One on his left bicep, A three clawed scar across chest, and one over his left kidney on his back.
Clothing and Accessories: He wears leather sleeveless armor with bronze inlay, a large red silk kilt with gold markings and leather guards hanging to give protection to his legs. Complimenting his garb are leather wrist guards and sandals both lined with light cream colored fur, he also generally sports a red silk cloak with golden fire-like designs and fur trim like his guards.

Description:  A gigantic man standing 8 feet in height. He has large muscles that give the impression of being able to kill a sea-beast with his bare hands. He has sternly chiseled features from his chin to his pecs. His eyes give off a intoxicating glow, able to overtake one's soul in an instant with their sharpness, and burning red hair and beard that reveals his fiery intensity.


The Past


Main Traits: Loyal, Courageous, Humorous/Jokester, Flashy

Likes: Loyalty, Dedication, Unyielding Faith, Courage, Sparring, Jokes, Being Flashy
Dislikes: Retreat, Senseless Murder, Fear, Being too Serious, No Sense of Humor
Unique laugh: "Gegyagyagyagya!"

Hometown: Artor Port of Ilusia Island
Personality:  Naraku is a light-hearted and socialable man, often making jokes at his own expense in order bring humor to those he meets. He often tends to act selfish or smug to people he meets, though this is more of a tactic to rile up people so he can knock them down with his humor. He enjoys being eccentric and flashy with his introductions both on and off the battlefield, often leaving a imprerssion on everyone he meets be it friend or foe. Naraku is also a self proclaimed 'Super-Perv' and is often caught in compromising situations, such as peeping or making outright statements on a woman's physique. It often can be a source of weakness, however he has learned to see through most acts that would otherwise enthrall him.

Despite his goofy and eccentric personality, Naraku is entirely different in combat. When in combat with a friend he often keeps his flashy style of combat, or his humor in order to help differentiate them form foes. However, when in combat with a true enemy Naraku is very serious and will often cast aside his normal personality for a calm and focused composure. This leads to him coming up with plans of attack and defense as quickly as possible while in the midst of combat, he also loses that part of the brain that tells a man to run becoming determined to die or win regardless of the opponent. In the event a foe endangers a comrade or his dreams, Naraku will be filled with rage which often cause him to push a heavier offensive onslaught instead of atempting to be a reserved combatant.
History:

ACT I:
~A New Destiny Is Born!~

Born the son of Kimimaru, the most reknowned Shipwright in Port Artor, Naraku grew learning the family trade. As a young boy he was taught to improve and maintain massive marine vessels, though unbeknownst to him, the Marines were forcing Kimimaru to care for their vessels without pay or any form of compensation. Naraku continued to grow strong and large, though he never noticed his father slowly beginning to wither away as he began to give up his own nourishment for his beloved son. By the age of 16 Naraku's father lay in his death bed, their last conversation:

"All that money from the Marines and you failed to care for yourself!? Father you're a fool! How could you let this happen!? How did you squander it? Booze? Women? What could you have waisted them on?" - Naraku

His weakend pointed with shaking hands, his broken voice shaking with every breath. "There.... There is my greatest creation... Where I sank my last savings, you my son are my dying addiction. You my s....." His hand fell to his bed as the life left his eyes.

Enraged Naraku began flipping tables, throwing papers and documents, and slamming his fists into the walls of their tiny home. Tears falling from his angered eyes and running down the creases of his mouth and gritted teeth, a sheet fell at his feet. The notes of his fathers ledger, he grabbed the paper and read the truth of his words:

'I know I am dying so my hope is you'll read this one day Naraku. The Admiral has never paid me a beli, I have stolen food to feed us and I have always given you what I could. You are my treasure son, please don't let them take your life as they have taken mine. You remain my greatest treasure.'

Naraku flew deeper into rage as he began to knock the timbers down that held his home together, the walls and roof collapsing around him. The Marines charged to see what the commotion was, coming face to face with the rage filled Naraku who turned his attention to the 3 soldiers. Knocking through them he fled for the docks, diving on to a marine small vessel large enough for maybe 2 men. He dropped the sail and as he began to leave the dock he announced his dream "One day I will return! You damned Marines will never be forgiven for your sins! I swear I'll return for your heads!" He sailed off into the sea.

ACT II:
~Old Man Hanzo, The Hermit~

Naraku had drifted along the West Blue for days, his strength beginning to fail him as hunger and sickness began to set in. A massive wave took the tiny vessel to the depths of the ocean as a storm had unleashed itself upon the West Blue, the waves carried Naraku to a small unnamed island with but one hut in the center. Naraku was barely conscious as a small bald man approached him, his face covered mostly by a thick white beard. He passed out as his feet were lifted and the old man began to drag him, only awaking after nearly 2 days on the island in a coma-like state. After awakening from this state Naraku began training with the man he would later be known Hanzo the Hermit, here he learned dedication and determination as a pupil of the Hermit. After many years training with his master, Naraku decided to set out to follow his dream of saving the West Blue from the Marines using his martial arts.
TheRedBeard
Tracker

Name : Naraku
Epithet : Red-Beard
Age : 0
Species : Human
Haki Level : 0
Hitpoints (HP) : 100
Attack (ATK) : 0
Defense (DEF) : 0
Reflex (RX) : 0
Willpower (WP) : 0
Level : 1
Experience Points : 100
Berries Berries : 50,000
[[hardboiled]]
Posts : 4
View user profile

Naraku "The Red-Beard" Empty Re: Naraku "The Red-Beard"

Sat May 22, 2021 8:58 pm
Finished
Gray
Naraku "The Red-Beard" Cool-t10
Tracker

Name : Gray Starks
Epithet : The Conqueror (Formerly "Black Fist")
Age : 49
Height : 10'2" / 310 cm
Weight : 1043 lbs / 473 kg
Species : Human Cyborg
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Lurking Legend (Former Yonkou)
Crew : Black Fist Pirates (Destroyed)
Ship : Sangria's Vane (Destroyed)
Crew Role : Captain (Former)
Devil Fruit : Pressure-Pressure Fruit
Haki Level : 9
[[haospec]][[busospec]][[kenbunspec]]
Hitpoints (HP) : 750
Attack (ATK) : 800
Defense (DEF) : 600
Reflex (RX) : 715
Willpower (WP) : 650
Level : 100
Prestige : 8
Experience Points : 18000
Bounty : 5,000,000,000
EXP Multiplier : +10%
Income Multiplier : +20%
Shop Discount : -30%
Berries Berries : 25,000,000,000
[[strollingdeath]][[baneoftheweak]][[riseandshine]][[freakofnature]][[childofdestiny]]
[[punchoutguru]][[windcaller]]
[[atkt6_sp]][[deft6]][[rxt6]][[wpt6]]
Posts : 2608
View user profile

Naraku "The Red-Beard" Empty Re: Naraku "The Red-Beard"

Sat May 22, 2021 10:08 pm
Normally, when I'm approving bios, I only comment if there are missing fields or if something in the bio (especially the history) conflicts with the lore of the site. But, since you had specifically requested comments, I will provide some.

+ There are many traits mentioned in Naraku's personality that could benefit from some sort of justification through the history section. Brief glimpses into how he developed some of these traits would go a long way towards making the personality believable.
+ While I was perusing Naraku's personality, I noticed you tend to re-use certain non-operative words a little too much at times. For example, you used "often" eight times in the span of two paragraphs. This stands out especially when repeated uses of words are in close proximity to one another. Like the use of "he meets" - it re-occurs in each of the first three sentences of the first paragraph.
+ Overall, I think your bio was well-written. The character itself didn't strike me as very interesting, but, the solid writing makes up for that. There's plenty of room for you to deepen the character once you start RPing.

The above comments are ones that I would skip over when normally approving a bio. However, there is one comment which I need you to address before I can approve this:
+ In your history, you wrote "The Admiral has never paid me a beli". I need you to replace this with "The Marines have never paid me a beli". Mentioning an Impie (Important Character) title in your history is generally not allowed, and it especially does not make sense in this scenario.

@TheRedBeard wrote:

Naraku O. Kami


Naraku "The Red-Beard" CGl9glM

Basic Character Information


Starting Bonus: Hardboiled

First Name: Naraku
Middle Name/Initial: O.
Last Name: Kami
Epithet: "The Red-Beard"
Birthdate: July 6th 1798
Gender: Male
Species/Race/Tribe: Human
Faction: Pirate
Profession:  Shipwright, Martial Artist


Physical Appearance


Height: 8 ft.
Weight: 240 lbs.

Hair Style: Short and Tamed Back
Hair Color: Red
Eye Color: Red
Scars: One on his left bicep, A three clawed scar across chest, and one over his left kidney on his back.
Clothing and Accessories: He wears leather sleeveless armor with bronze inlay, a large red silk kilt with gold markings and leather guards hanging to give protection to his legs. Complimenting his garb are leather wrist guards and sandals both lined with light cream colored fur, he also generally sports a red silk cloak with golden fire-like designs and fur trim like his guards.

Description:  A gigantic man standing 8 feet in height. He has large muscles that give the impression of being able to kill a sea-beast with his bare hands. He has sternly chiseled features from his chin to his pecs. His eyes give off a intoxicating glow, able to overtake one's soul in an instant with their sharpness, and burning red hair and beard that reveals his fiery intensity.


The Past


Main Traits: Loyal, Courageous, Humorous/Jokester, Flashy

Likes: Loyalty, Dedication, Unyielding Faith, Courage, Sparring, Jokes, Being Flashy
Dislikes: Retreat, Senseless Murder, Fear, Being too Serious, No Sense of Humor
Unique laugh: "Gegyagyagyagya!"

Hometown: Artor Port of Ilusia Island
Personality:  Naraku is a light-hearted and socialable man, often making jokes at his own expense in order bring humor to those he meets. He often tends to act selfish or smug to people he meets, though this is more of a tactic to rile up people so he can knock them down with his humor. He enjoys being eccentric and flashy with his introductions both on and off the battlefield, often leaving a imprerssion on everyone he meets be it friend or foe. Naraku is also a self proclaimed 'Super-Perv' and is often caught in compromising situations, such as peeping or making outright statements on a woman's physique. It often can be a source of weakness, however he has learned to see through most acts that would otherwise enthrall him.

Despite his goofy and eccentric personality, Naraku is entirely different in combat. When in combat with a friend he often keeps his flashy style of combat, or his humor in order to help differentiate them form foes. However, when in combat with a true enemy Naraku is very serious and will often cast aside his normal personality for a calm and focused composure. This leads to him coming up with plans of attack and defense as quickly as possible while in the midst of combat, he also loses that part of the brain that tells a man to run becoming determined to die or win regardless of the opponent. In the event a foe endangers a comrade or his dreams, Naraku will be filled with rage which often cause him to push a heavier offensive onslaught instead of atempting to be a reserved combatant.
History:

ACT I:
~A New Destiny Is Born!~

Born the son of Kimimaru, the most reknowned Shipwright in Port Artor, Naraku grew learning the family trade. As a young boy he was taught to improve and maintain massive marine vessels, though unbeknownst to him, the Marines were forcing Kimimaru to care for their vessels without pay or any form of compensation. Naraku continued to grow strong and large, though he never noticed his father slowly beginning to wither away as he began to give up his own nourishment for his beloved son. By the age of 16 Naraku's father lay in his death bed, their last conversation:

"All that money from the Marines and you failed to care for yourself!? Father you're a fool! How could you let this happen!? How did you squander it? Booze? Women? What could you have waisted them on?" - Naraku

His weakend pointed with shaking hands, his broken voice shaking with every breath. "There.... There is my greatest creation... Where I sank my last savings, you my son are my dying addiction. You my s....." His hand fell to his bed as the life left his eyes.

Enraged Naraku began flipping tables, throwing papers and documents, and slamming his fists into the walls of their tiny home. Tears falling from his angered eyes and running down the creases of his mouth and gritted teeth, a sheet fell at his feet. The notes of his fathers ledger, he grabbed the paper and read the truth of his words:

'I know I am dying so my hope is you'll read this one day Naraku. The Admiral has never paid me a beli, I have stolen food to feed us and I have always given you what I could. You are my treasure son, please don't let them take your life as they have taken mine. You remain my greatest treasure.'

Naraku flew deeper into rage as he began to knock the timbers down that held his home together, the walls and roof collapsing around him. The Marines charged to see what the commotion was, coming face to face with the rage filled Naraku who turned his attention to the 3 soldiers. Knocking through them he fled for the docks, diving on to a marine small vessel large enough for maybe 2 men. He dropped the sail and as he began to leave the dock he announced his dream "One day I will return! You damned Marines will never be forgiven for your sins! I swear I'll return for your heads!" He sailed off into the sea.

ACT II:
~Old Man Hanzo, The Hermit~

Naraku had drifted along the West Blue for days, his strength beginning to fail him as hunger and sickness began to set in. A massive wave took the tiny vessel to the depths of the ocean as a storm had unleashed itself upon the West Blue, the waves carried Naraku to a small unnamed island with but one hut in the center. Naraku was barely conscious as a small bald man approached him, his face covered mostly by a thick white beard. He passed out as his feet were lifted and the old man began to drag him, only awaking after nearly 2 days on the island in a coma-like state. After awakening from this state Naraku began training with the man he would later be known Hanzo the Hermit, here he learned dedication and determination as a pupil of the Hermit. After many years training with his master, Naraku decided to set out to follow his dream of saving the West Blue from the Marines using his martial arts.

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