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TheRedBeard
Tracker

Name : Naraku
Epithet : Red-Beard
Age : 0
Species : Human
Haki Level : 0
Hitpoints (HP) : 100
Attack (ATK) : 0
Defense (DEF) : 0
Reflex (RX) : 0
Willpower (WP) : 0
Level : 1
Experience Points : 100
Berries Berries : 50,000
[[hardboiled]]
Posts : 4
View user profile

Naraku "The Red-Beard" Empty Naraku "The Red-Beard"

Thu May 20, 2021 8:58 pm

Naraku O. Kami


Naraku "The Red-Beard" CGl9glM

Basic Character Information


Starting Bonus: Hardboiled

First Name: Naraku
Middle Name/Initial: O.
Last Name: Kami
Epithet: "The Red-Beard"
Birthdate: July 6th 1798
Gender: Male
Species/Race/Tribe: Human
Faction: Pirate
Profession:  Shipwright, Martial Artist


Physical Appearance


Height: 8 ft.
Weight: 240 lbs.

Hair Style: Short and Tamed Back
Hair Color: Red
Eye Color: Red
Scars: One on his left bicep, A three clawed scar across chest, and one over his left kidney on his back.
Clothing and Accessories: He wears leather sleeveless armor with bronze inlay, a large red silk kilt with gold markings and leather guards hanging to give protection to his legs. Complimenting his garb are leather wrist guards and sandals both lined with light cream colored fur, he also generally sports a red silk cloak with golden fire-like designs and fur trim like his guards.

Description:  A gigantic man standing 8 feet in height. He has large muscles that give the impression of being able to kill a sea-beast with his bare hands. He has sternly chiseled features from his chin to his pecs. His eyes give off a intoxicating glow, able to overtake one's soul in an instant with their sharpness, and burning red hair and beard that reveals his fiery intensity.


The Past


Main Traits: Loyal, Courageous, Humorous/Jokester, Flashy

Likes: Loyalty, Dedication, Unyielding Faith, Courage, Sparring, Jokes, Being Flashy
Dislikes: Retreat, Senseless Murder, Fear, Being too Serious, No Sense of Humor
Unique laugh: "Gegyagyagyagya!"

Hometown: Artor Port of Ilusia Island
Personality:  Naraku is a light-hearted and socialable man, often making jokes at his own expense in order bring humor to those he meets. He often tends to act selfish or smug to people he meets, though this is more of a tactic to rile up people so he can knock them down with his humor. He enjoys being eccentric and flashy with his introductions both on and off the battlefield, often leaving a imprerssion on everyone he meets be it friend or foe. Naraku is also a self proclaimed 'Super-Perv' and is often caught in compromising situations, such as peeping or making outright statements on a woman's physique. It often can be a source of weakness, however he has learned to see through most acts that would otherwise enthrall him.

Despite his goofy and eccentric personality, Naraku is entirely different in combat. When in combat with a friend he often keeps his flashy style of combat, or his humor in order to help differentiate them form foes. However, when in combat with a true enemy Naraku is very serious and will often cast aside his normal personality for a calm and focused composure. This leads to him coming up with plans of attack and defense as quickly as possible while in the midst of combat, he also loses that part of the brain that tells a man to run becoming determined to die or win regardless of the opponent. In the event a foe endangers a comrade or his dreams, Naraku will be filled with rage which often cause him to push a heavier offensive onslaught instead of atempting to be a reserved combatant.
History:
TheRedBeard
Tracker

Name : Naraku
Epithet : Red-Beard
Age : 0
Species : Human
Haki Level : 0
Hitpoints (HP) : 100
Attack (ATK) : 0
Defense (DEF) : 0
Reflex (RX) : 0
Willpower (WP) : 0
Level : 1
Experience Points : 100
Berries Berries : 50,000
[[hardboiled]]
Posts : 4
View user profile

Naraku "The Red-Beard" Empty Re: Naraku "The Red-Beard"

Sat May 22, 2021 8:58 pm
Finished
Gray
The Conqueror / Black Fist
Tracker

Name : Gray Starks
Epithet : The Conqueror / Black Fist
Age : 49
Height : 10'2" / 310 cm
Weight : 1043 lbs / 473 kg
Species : Human Cyborg
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Lurking Legend (Former Yonkou)
Crew : Black Fist Pirates (Destroyed)
Ship : Sangria's Vane (Destroyed)
Crew Role : Captain (Former)
Devil Fruit : Pressure-Pressure Fruit
Haki Level : 10
[[haoasc]][[busoasc]][[kenbunasc]]
Hitpoints (HP) : 750
Attack (ATK) : 800
Defense (DEF) : 600
Reflex (RX) : 715
Willpower (WP) : 650
Level : 100
Prestige : 8
Experience Points : 18000
Bounty : 5,000,000,000
EXP Bonus : +0.20 (to all allies)
Income Bonus : +0.20
Shop Discount : -30%
Berries Berries : 25,000,000,000
[[strollingdeath]][[baneoftheweak]][[riseandshine]][[childofdestiny]][[freakofnature]]
[[punchoutguru]][[dulcetvirtuoso]]
[[atkt6_sp]][[deft6]][[rxt6]][[wpt6]]
[[1needlelog]][[3needlelog]]
Posts : 3112
View user profile

Naraku "The Red-Beard" Empty Re: Naraku "The Red-Beard"

Sat May 22, 2021 10:08 pm
Normally, when I'm approving bios, I only comment if there are missing fields or if something in the bio (especially the history) conflicts with the lore of the site. But, since you had specifically requested comments, I will provide some.

+ There are many traits mentioned in Naraku's personality that could benefit from some sort of justification through the history section. Brief glimpses into how he developed some of these traits would go a long way towards making the personality believable.
+ While I was perusing Naraku's personality, I noticed you tend to re-use certain non-operative words a little too much at times. For example, you used "often" eight times in the span of two paragraphs. This stands out especially when repeated uses of words are in close proximity to one another. Like the use of "he meets" - it re-occurs in each of the first three sentences of the first paragraph.
+ Overall, I think your bio was well-written. The character itself didn't strike me as very interesting, but, the solid writing makes up for that. There's plenty of room for you to deepen the character once you start RPing.

The above comments are ones that I would skip over when normally approving a bio. However, there is one comment which I need you to address before I can approve this:
+ In your history, you wrote "The Admiral has never paid me a beli". I need you to replace this with "The Marines have never paid me a beli". Mentioning an Impie (Important Character) title in your history is generally not allowed, and it especially does not make sense in this scenario.

TheRedBeard wrote:

Naraku O. Kami


Naraku "The Red-Beard" CGl9glM

Basic Character Information


Starting Bonus: Hardboiled

First Name: Naraku
Middle Name/Initial: O.
Last Name: Kami
Epithet: "The Red-Beard"
Birthdate: July 6th 1798
Gender: Male
Species/Race/Tribe: Human
Faction: Pirate
Profession:  Shipwright, Martial Artist


Physical Appearance


Height: 8 ft.
Weight: 240 lbs.

Hair Style: Short and Tamed Back
Hair Color: Red
Eye Color: Red
Scars: One on his left bicep, A three clawed scar across chest, and one over his left kidney on his back.
Clothing and Accessories: He wears leather sleeveless armor with bronze inlay, a large red silk kilt with gold markings and leather guards hanging to give protection to his legs. Complimenting his garb are leather wrist guards and sandals both lined with light cream colored fur, he also generally sports a red silk cloak with golden fire-like designs and fur trim like his guards.

Description:  A gigantic man standing 8 feet in height. He has large muscles that give the impression of being able to kill a sea-beast with his bare hands. He has sternly chiseled features from his chin to his pecs. His eyes give off a intoxicating glow, able to overtake one's soul in an instant with their sharpness, and burning red hair and beard that reveals his fiery intensity.


The Past


Main Traits: Loyal, Courageous, Humorous/Jokester, Flashy

Likes: Loyalty, Dedication, Unyielding Faith, Courage, Sparring, Jokes, Being Flashy
Dislikes: Retreat, Senseless Murder, Fear, Being too Serious, No Sense of Humor
Unique laugh: "Gegyagyagyagya!"

Hometown: Artor Port of Ilusia Island
Personality:  Naraku is a light-hearted and socialable man, often making jokes at his own expense in order bring humor to those he meets. He often tends to act selfish or smug to people he meets, though this is more of a tactic to rile up people so he can knock them down with his humor. He enjoys being eccentric and flashy with his introductions both on and off the battlefield, often leaving a imprerssion on everyone he meets be it friend or foe. Naraku is also a self proclaimed 'Super-Perv' and is often caught in compromising situations, such as peeping or making outright statements on a woman's physique. It often can be a source of weakness, however he has learned to see through most acts that would otherwise enthrall him.

Despite his goofy and eccentric personality, Naraku is entirely different in combat. When in combat with a friend he often keeps his flashy style of combat, or his humor in order to help differentiate them form foes. However, when in combat with a true enemy Naraku is very serious and will often cast aside his normal personality for a calm and focused composure. This leads to him coming up with plans of attack and defense as quickly as possible while in the midst of combat, he also loses that part of the brain that tells a man to run becoming determined to die or win regardless of the opponent. In the event a foe endangers a comrade or his dreams, Naraku will be filled with rage which often cause him to push a heavier offensive onslaught instead of atempting to be a reserved combatant.
History:
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