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- Volo Rosso
- [tracker=/t2130-volo-rosso-airheart#12332]
Name : Volo Rosso Airheart
Epithet : Red Wing Volo
Age : 19
Height : 6'0"
Weight : 190
Species/Tribe : Human
Faction : Pirate
Crew : Red Wing Pirates
Ship : Emilia
Crew Role : Captain
Devil Fruit : Moku Moku no mi
Bounty : [ber=r] 30,000,000
Quality Score : S
EXP Bonus : +0.20 (to all allies)
Balance : [bel] 378,125
[[untouchable]][[childofdestiny]][[punchoutguru]]
Posts : 114
Re: [Episode] Did We Just Become Best Friends?
Sat Feb 19, 2022 5:09 pm
Volo sifted through the sea of bodies as best he could, dozens of people splashing and pushing in the now ankle-deep water. Tensions rose as fast as the tide every second mattered, with ships leaving the docks as quickly as they could, caring little for those left behind.
"Move it!" He shouted, bodies bumping into him from all directions as the duo scrambled for Emilia. The hulking mass of metal and wood floated in the waters off the dock, bobbing with the increasingly violent waves as a black sky crept in from the west. The pi(lot)rate paused as he focused on the skies, watching as the lightning cracked across the heavens. "Well, fuck..." Mumbling as the cigarette fell from his lips, fizzling out as it hit the rising water.
"We gotta go, now!" Shoving his way to open space, "Oi! This way!" Signaling to Bill and motioning to the gorgeous, homemade abomination that was Emilia. Her hulking metal skeleton was naked without the smoke-filled blimp accompanying it, making for a strange sight to just about anyone aside from Volo.
Suddenly the crowd turned to the pair, forming a semi-circle around them. Shouting and cursing, blaming them for the troubles that had befallen LogInn. "Uhhh..." Volo mumbled, "Don't know about you pal, but I ain't got much left in the tank.." Raising his hands slowly as Susu poked his head out from Volo's chest pocket.
"Ballsy move, man.." Volo mumbled, hands still raised in surrender as Bill threatened the crowd with an empty gun. "Worth a shot though. Respect." Volo snickered as the crowd quickly called the bluff and encroached on them once more. Pitchforks bared and teeth snarled, the mob wanted blood.
Just when Volo reached down for that last bit of strength, Bill snatched Susu from his pocket. "Huh?!" Shocked, he watched as Bill hucked the screaming squirrel in the direction of the crowd, using him as a super move of his own. "SUSU!" Volo cried out, though before he could pursue the airborne rodent, Bill gripped the young man by the collar and drug him towards Emilia.
"Chitter chitter squeak squeak!!!" Susu exclaimed as he tumbled through the air, opening his wings and catching an updraft from the flames. The squirrel acrobatically corrected its flight path and managed to turn itself around. Flying back towards the fleeing pair, all the while chattering in anger at the gunslinger. Once more his vendetta was ignited, his rage refueled. One day.... One day he would take this man's head.
Though for now, he returned to Volo's shoulder and scurried into his pocket resting place. Biding his time until the day he enacts his revenge on the man known as Bill Holiday.
"Susu....!!! Buddy..!" Volo sniffled as he hugged himself to embrace his little pal who returned the sentiment as he outstretched his little arms and hugged Volo back.
"Get a room after we get outta here!" Bill shouted as he tossed the doting pair onto Emilia's metal deck.
"R-right..!" Volo shouted as he wiped the tears from his eyes and ran towards Emilia's engine room. "By us some time!" Yelling before he disappeared into the doorway.
"C'mon girl! Don't fail me now!" Volo shouted as he flicked several switches before placing each hand on a pipe jutting from the engine. With a deep breath, Volo used his logia powers to forcefully push his smoke throughout the machine, moving every gear as it began to sputter and purr. Metal knocked and clanged as it shifted and pumped, inflating Emilia's balloon as quickly as it could.
Meanwhile, the angered crowd had stormed behind them, having now made it to the dock. They swarmed the vessel, diving from the dock and clutching the sides, climbing the rest of the way, leaving Bill and Susu to defend them from the onslaught.
Susu dove from the railing and onto an invader's face, clawing at the man's eyes with his adorable tiny paws. Squeaking with rage as he imagined clawing out the eyes of Bill Holiday before moving to his next victim, knocking the pursuers off one by one, sending them to the choppy depths.
Thunder clapped across the sky as a bolt of lightning split the horizon and struck a nearby vessel. Erupting it into flames and sending the crew straight to Dave's jones locker.
Rain fell from above as LogInn was little more than flooded debris, a once-celebrated trade center of the South Blue reduced to some splintered floating wood and a population destined to die. With those still left aboard the doomed vessel having either resigned to their fates or now trampled one another to grab ahold of anything deemed worthy enough to float.
"How much time?!" Bill shouted as he chucked a wooden box he had found at one of the invading pirates. Knocking him from the side and back onto the docks.
"Just a little more...!" Volo shouted back, his voice barely reaching over the storm and the rumbling engine. "NOW!" The pi(lot)rate echoed as he darted from the engine room and to the cockpit. Flicking every manner of switch and lever as Emilia creaked and groaned, slowly raising itself from the waters.
"Steady...." Volo grunted as he gripped the wheel, using every bit of strength to keep her from blowing away in the ensuing winds. "Steady....." Repeating himself to speak his actions into existence. "C'mon girl.... We got this....!" Gritting his teeth as he waited till just the right moment to hit the big red button, sending out a blast of pressurized smoke to jet the blimp away from the dock, barely missing the tops of the sinking houses. Skimming the water as they gained altitude and did their best to keep the storm at their backs.
"Not outta the woods yet, hold on...!" The toll on Emilia's hull was evident, using such a powerful blast put a huge amount of stress on the vessel. But she was tough and Volo knew her limits, and he knew this wasn't it. He smirked as the flight path straightened out and returned to a manageable speed. Gaining enough altitude and distance from the storm to take a deep breath and rest their heads if even for a moment.
Stepping out from the cockpit, he smiled at Bill as Susu landed on his shoulder. "What a ride right?!" He snickered, "That was a fucking blast! That guy was all like, iM bEtTeR tHaN EvErYoNe, and you were all like pow pow, grenade, I'm a cowboy. And then, then, I'm like wham bam, thank you man! Finishing move!! Sheeeeeewwwww...!" His voice full of energy and passion, "We make a great team, you should join my crew! I'm a pirate captain, ya know?! The newspaper even calls me 'Red Wing' Volo, ya see..!" Brandishing his bounty poster to his newfound friend. "Bonafide and legit. That's me! So hows a bout it? Huh?! What do ya say?"
WC: 1,150/6,774/5,000
"Move it!" He shouted, bodies bumping into him from all directions as the duo scrambled for Emilia. The hulking mass of metal and wood floated in the waters off the dock, bobbing with the increasingly violent waves as a black sky crept in from the west. The pi(lot)rate paused as he focused on the skies, watching as the lightning cracked across the heavens. "Well, fuck..." Mumbling as the cigarette fell from his lips, fizzling out as it hit the rising water.
"We gotta go, now!" Shoving his way to open space, "Oi! This way!" Signaling to Bill and motioning to the gorgeous, homemade abomination that was Emilia. Her hulking metal skeleton was naked without the smoke-filled blimp accompanying it, making for a strange sight to just about anyone aside from Volo.
Suddenly the crowd turned to the pair, forming a semi-circle around them. Shouting and cursing, blaming them for the troubles that had befallen LogInn. "Uhhh..." Volo mumbled, "Don't know about you pal, but I ain't got much left in the tank.." Raising his hands slowly as Susu poked his head out from Volo's chest pocket.
"Ballsy move, man.." Volo mumbled, hands still raised in surrender as Bill threatened the crowd with an empty gun. "Worth a shot though. Respect." Volo snickered as the crowd quickly called the bluff and encroached on them once more. Pitchforks bared and teeth snarled, the mob wanted blood.
Just when Volo reached down for that last bit of strength, Bill snatched Susu from his pocket. "Huh?!" Shocked, he watched as Bill hucked the screaming squirrel in the direction of the crowd, using him as a super move of his own. "SUSU!" Volo cried out, though before he could pursue the airborne rodent, Bill gripped the young man by the collar and drug him towards Emilia.
"Chitter chitter squeak squeak!!!" Susu exclaimed as he tumbled through the air, opening his wings and catching an updraft from the flames. The squirrel acrobatically corrected its flight path and managed to turn itself around. Flying back towards the fleeing pair, all the while chattering in anger at the gunslinger. Once more his vendetta was ignited, his rage refueled. One day.... One day he would take this man's head.
Though for now, he returned to Volo's shoulder and scurried into his pocket resting place. Biding his time until the day he enacts his revenge on the man known as Bill Holiday.
"Susu....!!! Buddy..!" Volo sniffled as he hugged himself to embrace his little pal who returned the sentiment as he outstretched his little arms and hugged Volo back.
"Get a room after we get outta here!" Bill shouted as he tossed the doting pair onto Emilia's metal deck.
"R-right..!" Volo shouted as he wiped the tears from his eyes and ran towards Emilia's engine room. "By us some time!" Yelling before he disappeared into the doorway.
"C'mon girl! Don't fail me now!" Volo shouted as he flicked several switches before placing each hand on a pipe jutting from the engine. With a deep breath, Volo used his logia powers to forcefully push his smoke throughout the machine, moving every gear as it began to sputter and purr. Metal knocked and clanged as it shifted and pumped, inflating Emilia's balloon as quickly as it could.
Meanwhile, the angered crowd had stormed behind them, having now made it to the dock. They swarmed the vessel, diving from the dock and clutching the sides, climbing the rest of the way, leaving Bill and Susu to defend them from the onslaught.
Susu dove from the railing and onto an invader's face, clawing at the man's eyes with his adorable tiny paws. Squeaking with rage as he imagined clawing out the eyes of Bill Holiday before moving to his next victim, knocking the pursuers off one by one, sending them to the choppy depths.
Thunder clapped across the sky as a bolt of lightning split the horizon and struck a nearby vessel. Erupting it into flames and sending the crew straight to Dave's jones locker.
Rain fell from above as LogInn was little more than flooded debris, a once-celebrated trade center of the South Blue reduced to some splintered floating wood and a population destined to die. With those still left aboard the doomed vessel having either resigned to their fates or now trampled one another to grab ahold of anything deemed worthy enough to float.
"How much time?!" Bill shouted as he chucked a wooden box he had found at one of the invading pirates. Knocking him from the side and back onto the docks.
"Just a little more...!" Volo shouted back, his voice barely reaching over the storm and the rumbling engine. "NOW!" The pi(lot)rate echoed as he darted from the engine room and to the cockpit. Flicking every manner of switch and lever as Emilia creaked and groaned, slowly raising itself from the waters.
"Steady...." Volo grunted as he gripped the wheel, using every bit of strength to keep her from blowing away in the ensuing winds. "Steady....." Repeating himself to speak his actions into existence. "C'mon girl.... We got this....!" Gritting his teeth as he waited till just the right moment to hit the big red button, sending out a blast of pressurized smoke to jet the blimp away from the dock, barely missing the tops of the sinking houses. Skimming the water as they gained altitude and did their best to keep the storm at their backs.
"Not outta the woods yet, hold on...!" The toll on Emilia's hull was evident, using such a powerful blast put a huge amount of stress on the vessel. But she was tough and Volo knew her limits, and he knew this wasn't it. He smirked as the flight path straightened out and returned to a manageable speed. Gaining enough altitude and distance from the storm to take a deep breath and rest their heads if even for a moment.
Stepping out from the cockpit, he smiled at Bill as Susu landed on his shoulder. "What a ride right?!" He snickered, "That was a fucking blast! That guy was all like, iM bEtTeR tHaN EvErYoNe, and you were all like pow pow, grenade, I'm a cowboy. And then, then, I'm like wham bam, thank you man! Finishing move!! Sheeeeeewwwww...!" His voice full of energy and passion, "We make a great team, you should join my crew! I'm a pirate captain, ya know?! The newspaper even calls me 'Red Wing' Volo, ya see..!" Brandishing his bounty poster to his newfound friend. "Bonafide and legit. That's me! So hows a bout it? Huh?! What do ya say?"
WC: 1,150/6,774/5,000
- GuestGuest
Re: [Episode] Did We Just Become Best Friends?
Sun Feb 20, 2022 11:50 pm
“Harharhar!” laughed Bill.
The bounty hunter was grinning ear to ear when he collapsed back onto Emilia's deck as the fabulous flying ship flew safely away from wreckage that had formerly been known as LogInn. Bill's chest heaved with heavy breath and pain wracked every square inch of his body. He couldn't think of a time he had ever been as exhausted as he was at that moment but even despite all that...he felt good.
Maybe it was the endorphins rushing through his brain that were trying in vain to counteract all the pain in his body. Maybe it was the excitement and exhilaration that you could only get from a near death experience. It could have been the cool rain falling on his face that felt like the world's most refreshing shower. It could also have just been the concussion. Or that crisp, fresh, high altitude air. Or maybe Volo's energy was just that infectious.
Whatever it was. Bill felt good.
“God damn I thought we were gonna die!” laughed Bill.
He paused for a second to make it seem like he giving Volo's offer some serious consideration but truth be told he didn't have to give it so much as a second thought.
“Hell, why not?!” he bellowed “I ain't had that much fun in a dog's age!”
He wasn't lying either. In spite of everything that came with it, fighting and killing Rikard Magus had been the most exciting thing Bill or Jeremy had done in quite some time. Bill slowly pulled himself himself back up by the ship's railing. He turned to Volo and extended his hand out. It was a clear signal that he wanted to shake on it
“So where are we goin' next Captain?” he asked.
Later that night...
“Pero pero. Pero pero. Pero pero. Pero pero. Pero pero...”
“What now?” grumbled Bill as a he slowly stirred from his slumber.
He'd been sleeping for some time beneath Emilia's deck. His “bed” was just a dusty old cot on the floor of the otherwise empty crew barracks but, as tired as he was, it might as well have been the most luxurious king sized bed in a Celestial Dragon's palace. To say he was unhappy about being woken up was an understatement. In fact he would have been downright furious if he wasn't so completely worn out.
Through heavy eyes Bill looked over at the den den mushi on the wall. It might have been because he was half asleep but it looked as though the snail was wearing a plague doctor's mask. His arm felt stiff and heavy as he sluggishly reached for the receiver.
“Are you Agent Jeremy Filth?” asked the voice on the other end. The mention of his real name caused Bill to immediately.
“Yea this is Jeremy Filth...wait...did you just say agent?”
“Yes I...did you just admit it was you?”
“Yeah...?”
“Without confirming who I am? What if I am an enemy spy?”
“Are you?”
“Well no...” admitted the caller, followed by some unintelligible grumbling “but I could have been.”
“Then who are you?”
“I am Cipher Pol 9 Agent Dr. Locusta.”
“Sorry I'm still groggy. Did you say Cipher Pol 9? I thought I was working with Cipher Pol 6?”
“Cipher Pol 9 has...hold on...aren't you going to at least try and verify my identity first?”
“No. I believe you?”
“What if I am lying?!” barked Dr. Locusta angrily “Did you think of that!? What if instead of a Cipher Pol 9 agent I am just a mole impersonating one!? Your carelessness could have jeopardized the entire mission! And then what would you do Agent Filth?!”
Jeremy yawned.
“Are you an enemy mole?” he asked.
“Well no but...” there was more unintelligible grumbling from Dr. Locusta.
“So what about Cipher Pol 9?”
“Cipher Pol 9 is taking over command of your mission?”
“Why?”
“That's none of your concern.”
“What about me?”
“That's the good news Agent Filth. You and your colleagues are getting a promotion.”
Colleagues? He must have meant the Tall One and the Short One thought Jeremy.
“I...don't know what to say? Thank you sir.”
“Don't let it go to your head Agent Filth. It's obvious to me that all three of you need have a long ways to go if we expect you to meet our standards, especially you. You will remain on this mission, for now, but we will be monitoring you closely to make sure you are capable of completing the task in an acceptable manner. Do you understand?”
“Yes sir. I understand.”
“Good.”
“So what do you need me to do next?”
“For now just continue to monitor Volo and be sure to report anything that might be of interest back to us.”
“Like what?”
“Part of being in Cipher Pol agent is being able to think for yourself. Unlike those brainless morons in the marines. We expect you to use your best judgment. We will give you further instructions when necessary.”
“How do I get a hold of you when I need to?”
“Your agent number is nine - four - zero. Contact the World Government HQ and give them that number. They will forward you to a senior agent for you to report to.”
“Easy enough. I don't have anymore questions.”
“Then you may get back to your mission.”
Click.
Dr. Locusta hung up. Jeremy yawned as he hung the den den mushi back up on the wall. The newly promoted agent laid back down in his cot. As he closed his eyes only one more thought would cross his mind before he fell into a deep sleep.
What an asshole.
The bounty hunter was grinning ear to ear when he collapsed back onto Emilia's deck as the fabulous flying ship flew safely away from wreckage that had formerly been known as LogInn. Bill's chest heaved with heavy breath and pain wracked every square inch of his body. He couldn't think of a time he had ever been as exhausted as he was at that moment but even despite all that...he felt good.
Maybe it was the endorphins rushing through his brain that were trying in vain to counteract all the pain in his body. Maybe it was the excitement and exhilaration that you could only get from a near death experience. It could have been the cool rain falling on his face that felt like the world's most refreshing shower. It could also have just been the concussion. Or that crisp, fresh, high altitude air. Or maybe Volo's energy was just that infectious.
Whatever it was. Bill felt good.
“God damn I thought we were gonna die!” laughed Bill.
He paused for a second to make it seem like he giving Volo's offer some serious consideration but truth be told he didn't have to give it so much as a second thought.
“Hell, why not?!” he bellowed “I ain't had that much fun in a dog's age!”
He wasn't lying either. In spite of everything that came with it, fighting and killing Rikard Magus had been the most exciting thing Bill or Jeremy had done in quite some time. Bill slowly pulled himself himself back up by the ship's railing. He turned to Volo and extended his hand out. It was a clear signal that he wanted to shake on it
“So where are we goin' next Captain?” he asked.
Later that night...
“Pero pero. Pero pero. Pero pero. Pero pero. Pero pero...”
“What now?” grumbled Bill as a he slowly stirred from his slumber.
He'd been sleeping for some time beneath Emilia's deck. His “bed” was just a dusty old cot on the floor of the otherwise empty crew barracks but, as tired as he was, it might as well have been the most luxurious king sized bed in a Celestial Dragon's palace. To say he was unhappy about being woken up was an understatement. In fact he would have been downright furious if he wasn't so completely worn out.
Through heavy eyes Bill looked over at the den den mushi on the wall. It might have been because he was half asleep but it looked as though the snail was wearing a plague doctor's mask. His arm felt stiff and heavy as he sluggishly reached for the receiver.
“Are you Agent Jeremy Filth?” asked the voice on the other end. The mention of his real name caused Bill to immediately.
“Yea this is Jeremy Filth...wait...did you just say agent?”
“Yes I...did you just admit it was you?”
“Yeah...?”
“Without confirming who I am? What if I am an enemy spy?”
“Are you?”
“Well no...” admitted the caller, followed by some unintelligible grumbling “but I could have been.”
“Then who are you?”
“I am Cipher Pol 9 Agent Dr. Locusta.”
“Sorry I'm still groggy. Did you say Cipher Pol 9? I thought I was working with Cipher Pol 6?”
“Cipher Pol 9 has...hold on...aren't you going to at least try and verify my identity first?”
“No. I believe you?”
“What if I am lying?!” barked Dr. Locusta angrily “Did you think of that!? What if instead of a Cipher Pol 9 agent I am just a mole impersonating one!? Your carelessness could have jeopardized the entire mission! And then what would you do Agent Filth?!”
Jeremy yawned.
“Are you an enemy mole?” he asked.
“Well no but...” there was more unintelligible grumbling from Dr. Locusta.
“So what about Cipher Pol 9?”
“Cipher Pol 9 is taking over command of your mission?”
“Why?”
“That's none of your concern.”
“What about me?”
“That's the good news Agent Filth. You and your colleagues are getting a promotion.”
Colleagues? He must have meant the Tall One and the Short One thought Jeremy.
“I...don't know what to say? Thank you sir.”
“Don't let it go to your head Agent Filth. It's obvious to me that all three of you need have a long ways to go if we expect you to meet our standards, especially you. You will remain on this mission, for now, but we will be monitoring you closely to make sure you are capable of completing the task in an acceptable manner. Do you understand?”
“Yes sir. I understand.”
“Good.”
“So what do you need me to do next?”
“For now just continue to monitor Volo and be sure to report anything that might be of interest back to us.”
“Like what?”
“Part of being in Cipher Pol agent is being able to think for yourself. Unlike those brainless morons in the marines. We expect you to use your best judgment. We will give you further instructions when necessary.”
“How do I get a hold of you when I need to?”
“Your agent number is nine - four - zero. Contact the World Government HQ and give them that number. They will forward you to a senior agent for you to report to.”
“Easy enough. I don't have anymore questions.”
“Then you may get back to your mission.”
Click.
Dr. Locusta hung up. Jeremy yawned as he hung the den den mushi back up on the wall. The newly promoted agent laid back down in his cot. As he closed his eyes only one more thought would cross his mind before he fell into a deep sleep.
What an asshole.
- Word Count:
Word Count: 942
Total Word Count: 6739
- Volo Rosso
- [tracker=/t2130-volo-rosso-airheart#12332]
Name : Volo Rosso Airheart
Epithet : Red Wing Volo
Age : 19
Height : 6'0"
Weight : 190
Species/Tribe : Human
Faction : Pirate
Crew : Red Wing Pirates
Ship : Emilia
Crew Role : Captain
Devil Fruit : Moku Moku no mi
Bounty : [ber=r] 30,000,000
Quality Score : S
EXP Bonus : +0.20 (to all allies)
Balance : [bel] 378,125
[[untouchable]][[childofdestiny]][[punchoutguru]]
Posts : 114
Re: [Episode] Did We Just Become Best Friends?
Fri Mar 18, 2022 5:32 pm
Magnus awoke to the sound of seagulls overhead, the waves splashing against his body as he drifted on the remains of LogInn. "Wahh..? He mumbled, rubbing his brow in confusion. "Where...?"
"Bout time, bub.." A deep, raspy voice called out to him.
"Huh..?"
"That's it, bub, open your eyes." The voice called out sarcastically once again as Magnus's vision began to adjust.
"He...hehe.... Of c-course... He would send you.... Gabagool Gagliano.... they call you 'Barrel Chest' or some other nonsense, right..?" The self-proclaimed pinnacle of humanity's voice cracked in fear at the sight of the assassin before him. His tone betrayed the arrogant words it accompanied.
"Well, well, looks like my reputation proceeds me." A black-suited beaver mink responded as he chomped on a cigar, his body halfway out of a barrel, bobbing and weaving with the waves. Magnus's own pathetic visage reflected at him in the mink's sunglasses.
"Don't...*cough*... Don't go fooling yourself, beast..." His eyes changed to a cold demeanor. "You are nothing more to me than prey that will one day decorate my mantle." He hocked a crimson loogie at the mink. "You are nothing. You are all.. *cough*... Nothing!!"
Gabigool sat and listened to the man rant, flicking a match to relight the tobacco as he did. A deep inhale and then exhale quickly followed. "Gotta say, I'm mighty surprised to see you in this, uhhhh what do you call it, condition, eh bub?" The barrel lid resting on his head tilting and spinning with every word and motion as he ignored the racist tirade. "What exactly, uhhhh, caused all this here damage ya got, ehh bub?"
"Tch... You filthy anim---arghhhh..." Gritting his teeth, clenching his fists, Magnus struggled to move. The wound dealt by the dynamic duo proving to be too much for even him to shake off easily.
"Now, now, don't get up on my account, bub. Just answer the question and this'll all be over, capeesh?" Withdrawing a pistol from his coat and took aim "Now, do me a favor, yea? Who the fuck did all this here damage to ya..?"
Magnus stared hatefully at the Mink before him, if looks could kill this one would commit mass genocide. "Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Letting out a sigh, Gabagool mumbled a prayer under his breath as he kissed a rosary that hung from his left wrist. "The Moose sends his regards." With a sharp bang smoke emitted from the barrel and the bullet lodged itself into Magnus's skull. The wood chucking hitman showing off his impressive accuracy with a dead-center shot right between the eyes.
He placed two pennies on Magnus's eyes and a white rose in his crossed arms. The sign of the Tundra. One that was known far and wide and struck fear in the hearts of all who would come across it. Warning what happens to those that cross Don Pale.
[i]Puru Puru Puru Puru... Katcha..[i]
"Yeah, Boss..? It's done... Bub's sleeping with the fishes now."
494/7,268/5,000
"Bout time, bub.." A deep, raspy voice called out to him.
"Huh..?"
"That's it, bub, open your eyes." The voice called out sarcastically once again as Magnus's vision began to adjust.
"He...hehe.... Of c-course... He would send you.... Gabagool Gagliano.... they call you 'Barrel Chest' or some other nonsense, right..?" The self-proclaimed pinnacle of humanity's voice cracked in fear at the sight of the assassin before him. His tone betrayed the arrogant words it accompanied.
"Well, well, looks like my reputation proceeds me." A black-suited beaver mink responded as he chomped on a cigar, his body halfway out of a barrel, bobbing and weaving with the waves. Magnus's own pathetic visage reflected at him in the mink's sunglasses.
"Don't...*cough*... Don't go fooling yourself, beast..." His eyes changed to a cold demeanor. "You are nothing more to me than prey that will one day decorate my mantle." He hocked a crimson loogie at the mink. "You are nothing. You are all.. *cough*... Nothing!!"
Gabigool sat and listened to the man rant, flicking a match to relight the tobacco as he did. A deep inhale and then exhale quickly followed. "Gotta say, I'm mighty surprised to see you in this, uhhhh what do you call it, condition, eh bub?" The barrel lid resting on his head tilting and spinning with every word and motion as he ignored the racist tirade. "What exactly, uhhhh, caused all this here damage ya got, ehh bub?"
"Tch... You filthy anim---arghhhh..." Gritting his teeth, clenching his fists, Magnus struggled to move. The wound dealt by the dynamic duo proving to be too much for even him to shake off easily.
"Now, now, don't get up on my account, bub. Just answer the question and this'll all be over, capeesh?" Withdrawing a pistol from his coat and took aim "Now, do me a favor, yea? Who the fuck did all this here damage to ya..?"
Magnus stared hatefully at the Mink before him, if looks could kill this one would commit mass genocide. "Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Letting out a sigh, Gabagool mumbled a prayer under his breath as he kissed a rosary that hung from his left wrist. "The Moose sends his regards." With a sharp bang smoke emitted from the barrel and the bullet lodged itself into Magnus's skull. The wood chucking hitman showing off his impressive accuracy with a dead-center shot right between the eyes.
He placed two pennies on Magnus's eyes and a white rose in his crossed arms. The sign of the Tundra. One that was known far and wide and struck fear in the hearts of all who would come across it. Warning what happens to those that cross Don Pale.
[i]Puru Puru Puru Puru... Katcha..[i]
"Yeah, Boss..? It's done... Bub's sleeping with the fishes now."
494/7,268/5,000
- Gray
[tracker=/t131-tracker-gray-starks#504]
Name : Gray
Epithet : "The Conqueror"; "Black Fist"
Age : 49
Height : 10'2" (310 cm)
Weight : 1043 lbs (473 kg)
Species/Tribe : Cyborg Human
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Lurking Legend (Former Yonkou)
Crew : Black Fist Pirates (Destroyed)
Ship : Sangria's Vane (Destroyed)
Crew Role : Captain (Former)
Devil Fruit : Pressure-Pressure Fruit
Bounty : [ber=r] 5,000,000,000
EXP Bonus : +0.20 (to all allies)
Income Bonus : +0.20
Shop Discount : -30%
Balance : [bel] 25,000,000,000
[[strollingdeath]][[baneoftheweak]][[riseandshine]][[childofdestiny]][[freakofnature]]
[[punchoutguru]][[dulcetvirtuoso]]
[[improviseadaptovercome]]
Posts : 3997
Re: [Episode] Did We Just Become Best Friends?
Sun Apr 03, 2022 12:38 pm
GRADING
Quality Score Assessment: Yes
ASSESSMENT COMMENTS
- Jeremy Filth:
+ [The puzzled marine ensign Jeremy Filth, having just been pulled off a mission and away from his new crew, slowly made is way out of Flevance castle into the snowy courtyard where he immediately noticed that something felt...off.] Typo in the very first sentence of the thread doesn't bode well, my friend. Also, this sentence could've been chopped in two. "The puzzled marine ensign, Jeremy Filth, had just been pulled off a mission and away from his new crew. He slowly made his way out of Flevance castle and into the snowy courtyard where he immediately noticed something felt... off."
+ [...tensed up and his fingers began reaching for his revolvers...] Using "began"/"began to" in front of a verb is very tired and bland way to describe an action. You can simply say "his fingers reached for his revolvers". If you wanna be more specific, you can say something like "his fingers inched towards his revolvers".
+ [Their voice was monotone and extremely neutral sounding.] "Their voice was monotone" was enough. The rest only dragged down the sentence.
+ [“Burns, scrapes, cuts, bruises and several gunshot wounds. The coroner's report described your methods as, quote, excessive, end quote.”] Dialogue or not, using "quote" and "end quote" is only useful if the description you're quoting is unique in some way. For example: "The coroner's report described your methods as, quote, so excessive it would make even the Behemoth blush, end quote."
+ [admiral even and you were to take the head of a truly big name like...say...the emperor Loha Aurochs.] His name is Aurochs Loha. Get it right, bro. Also, most of the world refers to him as the Behemoth or just Loha. His last name is not common knowledge even for the World Government.
+ [He'd become a legend and a martyr in his own right. Pirates would set sail in his name. Stories would be written about him in libraries and songs would be sung about him in taverns. Sure, you would be more famous but so would he. But...if you were a member of Cipher Pol and you took him out silently then history would forget he ever existed, we'd make sure of that. His terrible influence on the world would end permanently, never to be repeated.] That speech felt kinda weak. If they wanted to go the martyr route, they could've used a case study that already exists - namely, The Conqueror. Marines fought him and turned him into a martyr.
But, even then, it just doesn't sound like a particularly solid argument to convince someone as hard-headed as Jeremy. Besides, if anything, Jeremy would get to kill more pirates as a marine than as an intelligence agent.
+ [A thick red cloak, brown leather gloves and matching leather chaps, a pair of black leather boots, a brown leather cowboy hat, an armored, sleeveless vest, and a brown leather gas mask which he would leave off for now.] Cipher Pol's love for leather suggests they must be full of greasers. Maybe they should change their name to Cipher Pol Motorcycle Club.
+ [...it's just passed noon... ...and shoved his way passed the madam] You often seem to use "passed" where "past" would be correct instead.
+ [“Somethin' wrong hun?”
Before Bill could attempt to try and weasel his way out of the situation they were interrupted by several loud crashes, followed immediately by shouting and what sounded like crying.] I feel that the timing of the interruption was poor. The prior scene would've been far more engaging if you had let the awkward penniless situation get worse and built up more tension and conflict between Jeremy and the madam before diffusing it with the interruption. Missed opportunity there.
+ [There was barely a scratch on him. The only thing of his that seemed to have really been damaged by the bullets or the bomb were the expensive clothes that he wore but to him that was every bit as bad as shedding his blood. Maybe worse. His head swiveled around and his eyes locked onto the man in the red scarf.] You show a degree of familiarity with Magnus in this narration that doesn't quite make sense if you're writing from Jeremy's perspective. Rather than stating "to him that was every bit as bad as shedding his blood" as a matter of fact, you should instead say something like "it seemed as if that was every bit as bad as shedding his blood". It's a small change, but, it can make a world of difference in reinforcing the fact that you're narrating from Jeremy's perspective.
+ [“Volo's a right fuckin' bonkers git,” interjected the Short One.
“He's...what?” quizzed Jeremy.
The tall one sighed.] Surely there are better descriptors for these agents than "the short one" and "the tall one"?
+ [While Bill spoke Magnus merely looked on as if he was amused and when Bill finished Mangus let out a hearty laugh As his laughter reverberated through the narrow streets this monstrous man motioned with his hands for the remaining onlookers to laugh with him and, reluctantly, they did. It was a pitiful, and obviously forced laugh born out of their fear of Mangus's wrath.] I too like Mangoes. Admittedly, Mangus is a funnier name than Magnus.
+ [...if such a one sided beating could be really called that, between Magus and the other man...] And here his name is Magus. *sigh* You're triggering my PTSD from Castor and Dax's conquest arc.
+ [“You vermin still think you stand a chance against a man like me!?” he bellowed “I could take on a hundred, nay, a thousand of you and you still wouldn't be able to harm a single hair on my superior head! You two are like a couple ants trying to fight a god.”] This classic, hateable villain just got a little less interesting. The threats felt too generic.
+ [Without waiting for confirmation from Volo, Bill stepped forward and drew Judge and Jury from their holsters. Meanwhile the lower half of Volo's body transformed into a thick, gray, terrible smelling smoke as the pi(lot)rate jettisoned him into the air. And Magnus, who sensed that the violence was about to resume, tensed up and bent his tree trunk like legs just slightly.] I would assume this godmodding was consensual.
+ [Even a man like Mangnus couldn't survive a shot like that and as as close as he was, even with all the smoke and debris in the air, Bill couldn't miss.] A new alter ego appears. Mangnus the Metal. His chemical symbol is Mn.
+ [“Whatever.” scoffed Volo. “Just sit back and watch. I got this.”] While this would obviously be fine in normal writing, I don't think you should be putting words in another player character's mouth in an RP. It sets a bad precedent. If you do it once, why not do it every time? I would rather you guys make extremely short posts for snappy banter than to start controlling each others' player characters.
+ [The ground underneath makeshift building began to break away from the main island. This sudden shift in foundation was more than it could handle. The wooden walls shifted and warped before eventually collapsing in on themselves, taking the roof, and Bill, with them. On the bright side, thought Bill, at least now he was back on the ground.] I was under the impression that the entirety of LogInn was a floating structure with no solid ground directly underneath it. Was I mistaken? Or am I just misunderstanding what you're trying to say here?
+ [The ship, if it could really be called that, looked like something he might have seen in the cartoons he watched as a kid.] Cartoon shows are not a thing in our universe. We'll pretend Bill was referring to comic strips - because those definitely exist.
+ [“SUPER SECRET WEAPON TECHNIQUE...uh...RAGING RODENT RIPPER...um...BOMB...ER!” he yelled as loudly as he possibly could be could be before chucking the poor creature at the mob.] Poor Susu. Bill deserves to die for this.
+ I feel like you didn't show enough of a reaction from Bill when he was literally on a flying ship. Exhausted though he may have been, a more profound acknowledgement of the technological wonder he was witnessing was missing in your post. Unless he sees flying ships every other day for some reason.
+ [...In spite of everything that came with it, fighting and killing Rikard Magus had been...] At this point, these typos almost seem like a running gag. Lmao.
+ While parts of that den den mushi conversation with Dr. Devious were funny, it once again made no sense. Something like this would not and should not be discussed over the phone. Doing so only makes Cato seem incompetent (if that was your intention, then that's fine).
+ [“Your agent number is nine - four - zero. Contact the World Government HQ and give them that number. They will forward you to a senior agent for you to report to.”] This also makes no sense. Undercover agents should have a dedicated handler. They shouldn't be directly contacting an official organization for any reason. All reports should be handed over in person to the handler only. This is extremely sloppy work on CP9's part. Please retcon it.
- Volo Rosso:
+ [LogInn, a makeshift island comprised completely off cast off wood and ships no longer fit for sailing the rough seas.] I wonder what the island "LogOutt" is like. That being said, I like the concept and description of LogInn a lot. This is indeed good world-building.
+ [“R-right... B-bos- I mean Lord Magnus... You are so right...” Miles responded subserviently.] There are three ideal ways to start using a character's name in narration.
1. Mention their name in the very first paragraph where you narrate their actions.
2. Introduce their name properly in narration before you start using it.
3. Introduce their name through dialogue first before you use it in narration.
What you should avoid doing is dropping their name randomly in narration as you did here.
+ [“Ah, very good.” Magnus said pleased as he readjusted the napkin on his neck and armed himself with the tiny silverware set before him, his massive finger and thumb barely holding the small utensils. As the girl began unloading the plates before him, the smell wafted into the air, filling the mans nostrils as they flared repeatedly to enhance the smells.
Once all the plates were set before him, the waitress uncovered the main dish, a charcoal blackened steak seemingly cooked with the fires of hell itself. Rickard took one look at what could be considered a shoe in most countries as he reached for a large bottle of ketchup in the center of the table, splurting out the thick red liquid onto the piece of leather on his plate.
“Perfection.” He muttered as the mound of ketchup slowly increased its surface area, like a slug dragging itself across the ground.] Some of your paragraphs are still a bit too unnecessarily long. I've placed paragraph breaks in appropriate locations in the excerpt above. It was all one paragraph in your post.
That being said, Lord Magnus has rather vulgar tastes.
+ [...who wreaked havoc across the South Blue before heading off too, in his own words, conquer the Grandline... He made way too the harbor master, being sure to pay his way onto LogInn, thinking back too his own towns stringent harbor master fondly...“Who is it?! Don’t fucking lie too me!!”... ...revealing its shabby construction and false beauty as the cheap wood fell too the ground in splinters... His voiced boomed, presenting the mans ragged body too the crowd.] You use "too" way too often in places where "to" would be the correct word. This makes me wonder if it's truly accidental or if you really don't know when "too" should be used. Free Grammarly marks most of these (and a few other things I quoted here) as incorrect, so, you'll understand why I have a hard time believing that you used it diligently for this thread.
+ Typos and grammatical issues aside, that first post was fantastic. I enjoyed the introduction of Magnus very much. While he may be a very classic, hateable villain, you've written him excellently so far, which makes him the good kind of classic, hateable villain.
You also nailed the buildup of tension in the raw meat scene.
+ [Volo said with a smile as he broke his thought train at the site of beer, slugging the whole pint within seconds.] Butchered the idiom "train of thought" and the word "sight" here.
+ [...voice echoed out...] I see the term "echoed" used a bit too frequently whenever a loud sound is described. And not just from you - it's very common with a lot of people. It needs to be buried.
+ [...landing a dynamite packed fist right onto the massive mans chiseled jawline...] You seem to be averse to using apostrophes in possessive nouns. Please research this if you don't know what I'm talking about. It's English 101.
+ The second post was a few steps down from your first. There was no satisfying build-up of tension before Volo had his outburst and threw a dynamite punch at Magnus. Narrating the scene from Volo's perspective and describing his emotion as he witnessed the murder might have helped.
+ ["Team up, fight solo... It matters not when faced with perfection like myself. Rats like yourself huddle together for safety and warmth while gods like me look down in disgust."... ..."All that matters is you two shit fuck peasants will be dead soon and I'll be in a clean suit!"] The "rats huddle together for safety" and "I'll be in a clean suit" bits were good lines. They make up for the generic lines Jeremy gave Magnus in the previous post.
+ No idea how your RX was 336 in Round 2. You didn't seem to be using any RX Stat Morphs on yourself, and your +20% RX toggle should only have buffed it from 160 to 192.
+ ["Where's your misplaced arrogance now, maggot?! You face Rickard Magnus, The Maximal, the high bred, the one who stands at the pinnacle of human power!! Ants like you have no hope of defeating a god, especially not one such as me!! Magagagagagaga!!"] Oh no. Not you too.
+ [While his blood spilled out on the ground like a prayer mat.] I like this imagery.
+ [When he was a pirate of the Grandline.] Small nitpick, but, the name of that ocean is officially anglicized as "Grand Line", not "Grandline".
+ [Volo shouted, resembling a starfish as he sprawled out his limbs as he paused in mid-air as Bill's bullets whizzed through the air before they disappeared into his smokey back. Using his powers to hold the bullets in his body as he closed the gap between himself and Magnus, emerging from the smokescreen with a powerful fist to the hulking villain's chest. "Take this! Special Combo attack! Super Flying Six Seaman Shooting Star Blast!" As it made contact, Volo released the bullets fired from Jeremy, using his smoke to increase their speed by adding Smokey tails. The bullets erupted from his knuckles, increasing the stopping power as the force lifted Magnus from the ground, sending him plummeting into a nearby building that collapsed atop him upon impact.] I was disappointed by this combo attack. It makes no sense for Volo to "hold" the bullets and then shoot them back out. At that point, he might as well just ask Bill to give him some bullets.
This would've been more sensible if you had set it up so that Bill's bullets do hurt Magnus, but, he keeps dodging/guarding against them. Volo could then have set up a smokescreen and guided Bill's aim to catch Magnus off-guard.
+ [...Volo and Bill's final attack being the straw that quite literally broke the back...] Poor use of the expression "the straw that broke the camel's back", even if you were trying to be clever with it.
+ ["Hey...Susu..." Volo mumbled as a soot-covered, adorable squirrel poked its head out from the boy's jacket pocket. Squeaking in response, "Gimme a light would ya."] It would've been nice if you had addressed Susu's existence at some point during the fight. I forgot he was there.
+ [...the amazingly cute Susu...] Calling him amazingly cute in narration only takes away from his cuteness. You should instead simply be describing the cute things he does (which you do later on).
+ [Anger and rage welled inside the little ball of fur. With a violent squeak, he shouted and waved his tiny paw in the air as if challenging the man before him to a fight... One that was clearly not headed, or most likely even noticed by his would-be nemesis.] And thus began the legendary rivalry of Susu and Bill Holiday.
+ [Volo winced as Jeremy hoisted him up...] Volo has no idea his name is Jeremy. You should be referring to him only by the name that Volo knows him as in your narration.
+ [Mumbling as the cigarette fell from his lips, fizzling out as it hit the rising water.] I thought Volo wasn't able to light his cigarette before? Maybe I missed the part where he did.
+ [...used his logia powers...] "Used his logia powers" is a boring way to describe his actions. You use it way too much.
+ ["Well, well, looks like my reputation proceeds me."] precedes*
+ The Gabagool scene was very cool. I'm excited to see him return. I hope he gets more character development.
+ One thing I wanna make sure you understand regarding Volo's behaviour - he comes off as a reckless sociopath. I know that's not entirely unintentional on your part, however, the fact that he showed absolutely no remorse for destroying many people's homes (and potentially killing them) makes him hard to redeem. It's one thing to be reckless and cause accidental damage and then regret doing so, and another thing entirely to not give a shit at all. Make sure you know which line Volo is walking.
- Overall:
+ If you guys ever expect me to give you an S+, the bare minimum requirement is a distinct lack of grammatical errors (including spelling mistakes) and poorly phrased sentences. While the poor wording can be improved upon, I fear that if you guys don't care enough to fix up your posts, loads of your grammatical errors are always gonna be there. Jeremy's posts were especially bad in this regard.
No matter how cool your ideas are, if you don't articulate them in a clean and interesting fashion, they will never reach their full potential.
+ The total stats for Jeremy were miscalculated in the first post, which, in turn, caused you to miscalculate the boss' stats as well. Based on his stats, the boss was only a +1. +1 boss' technically cannot be teamed up against, but, I will let that slide. However, I have indeed reduced the difficulty score for the quest to +1.
+ Overall, I found the thread to be entertaining, but, lacking in terms of character development for most of the characters involved. In effect, this thread was really just a single scene starting from Magnus' one-note rampage to Volo and Bill's escape.
When the title read "Did we just become best friends?!", I was expecting something meaningful to happen between them beyond just "we fought some asshole together" - which was basically the majority of the thread.
But, at least you've set up some pieces for future plots. I look forward to seeing those seeds grow and bear fruit.
REWARDS
- Jeremy Filth:
Difficulty Bonus: +25% (+1)
Quality Bonus: +100% (A)
Length Bonus: 1.34 (6,739 words)
Noob Bonus: +300%
EXP Multiplier: +10% (Volo's Punchout Guru)
Income Multiplier: +0%
EXP: +392 (1.34*50)*(1+0.75+1+3+0.1)
Berries: +16,582,500 (1.34*18*250k)*(1+0.75+1+0)
Bounty: +2,500,000 | {The bounty is under Bill Holiday's name for cooperating with a known pirate.}
Old EXP: 1468
Updated EXP: 1860
@Jeremy Filth levelled up 4 times. Let me know where you would like your +80 stat points.
Old balance: 29,257,000
Updated balance: 45,839,500
Old bounty: 0
Updated bounty: 2,500,000
- Volo Rosso:
Difficulty Bonus: +25% (+1)
Quality Bonus: +200% (S)
Length Bonus: 1.45 (7,268 words)
Noob Bonus: +300%
EXP Multiplier: +10% (From Punchout Guru)
Income Multiplier: +0%
EXP: +497 (1.45*50)*(1+0.75+2+3+0.1)
Berries: +25,828,125 (1.45*19*250k)*(1+0.75+2+0)
Bounty: +2,500,000 | {For defeating a known pirate while being a pirate himself. No bounty increase for the destruction of the illegal port of LogInn.}
Old EXP: 1500
Updated EXP: 1997
@Volo Rosso levelled up 4 times. Let me know where you would like your +80 stat points.
Old balance: 28,550,000
Updated balance: 54,378,125
Old bounty: 14,200,000
Updated bounty: 16,700,000
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