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[Arc] [Part I] The Grave Robber - Old Wounds Won't Heal In A Day  - Page 2 Empty Re: [Arc] [Part I] The Grave Robber - Old Wounds Won't Heal In A Day

This post has in-line assessment comments.Wed Jul 13, 2022 10:40 pm
Castor and Annabelle’s endearing outburst was sufficient to liven the mood in the room as the Duke of Jewel and the Mayor of Hibiscus town broke into laughter alongside the couple. Flashes of lightning illuminated the sky like fireworks, thunder seeming to applaud the cunning of its partisan and his Queen. Aube’s councilman smoldered apologetically over towards the Duchess of Rose, who slinked back into her chair with an embarrassed and defeated demeanor.

“Then it appears that we have a course of action set. I’d be content to aide in securing Jewel, I’m sure a number of our guardsmen would be ecstatic to aide in the effort,” The Duke smiled a wily grin as he attempted to pawn his guards off onto another province. The Duke’s true objective was to defer his guardsman from Aube’s cities; the budding sprouts of organized crime had offered him a hefty sum of berri in exchange for this distraction.

“Oh, sure! You’ve been doing so well managing Aube’s recent streak of crimes haven’t you Duke? I’ve heard word of pirates funneling money into your town to extend their smuggling routes,” [dass]The Duchess smiled tauntingly, if she couldn’t secure the interests of Saint Dax she could at least interfere with the ambitions of her rivals[cmt]I noted this in Castor's previous post, but I didn't expect to find it in your post right after. Be careful about head-hopping. The jarring change in perspective within a single scene can throw a reader off.[/cmt][/dass].

“I hardly know what you mean madame!” The Duke was surprised and responded with a suspicious fervor. “If we’re concerned about members of the council taking money from pirates perhaps we’d be best served by investigating the Capital first!” The three landed council members had schemed with one another for some time and thus were aware of one another’s corrupt interests.

The Mayor of Hibiscus Town looked rather bewildered with the tactless machinations playing out before him. Quietly speaking over to Castor, “Your lordship, I apologize dearly for the conduct of our council. I can hardly imagine what they think of themselves to behave in this manner. I certainly hope that you can tame them into proper servants of the crown, and the people; otherwise I must say that Queen Annabelle will have to legislate through a pit of vipers.”

Meanwhile in Aube, beneath the fulgurating thunderclouds, a young man dreamed of earning his place as a Royal Knight and improving the lives of himself and his mother. Though the boy had faced soul-crushing abuse throughout his life;  even in the den of thieves, he persisted. Perhaps the youthful spirits of those with dreams and ambitions could always blaze from their embers.

Post Word Count: 412
Total Word Count: 1,480

Last edited by Doji on Sat Oct 01, 2022 6:25 am; edited 2 times in total
Castor O. Nox
Castor O. Nox
[Arc] [Part I] The Grave Robber - Old Wounds Won't Heal In A Day  - Page 2 G7UGK6I
Name : Castor O. Nox
Epithet : Sanpaku | The Azure Pheasant | Duke Of Lvneel | Saint Nox
Age : 25
Height : 5'9"
Weight : 175lbs
Species : Three-Eye Tribesman
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Blockbuster
Alliance : -
Crew : Nox Pirates
Ship : The Wailing Calamity
Crew Role : Captain | Navigator | Book Collector | Pride Sin
Devil Fruit : Goro Goro no Mi
Bounty : [ber=r] 620,000,000
Quality Score : S
EXP Bonus : +0.20 (To all allies)
Income Bonus : +0.42 (Turf); +0.10 (Blockbuster); +0.20 (To all allies)
Shop Discount : -20%
Crew Pool : [bel=u] 96,000,000
Balance : [bel] 2,470,815,020

Turf : [turf="/t296-turf-details-lvneel#1110"]Lvneel[/turf] [turf="/t309-turf-details-st-poplar#1124"]St. Poplar[/turf]
Posts : 794

[Arc] [Part I] The Grave Robber - Old Wounds Won't Heal In A Day  - Page 2 Empty Re: [Arc] [Part I] The Grave Robber - Old Wounds Won't Heal In A Day

This post has in-line assessment comments.Thu Jul 14, 2022 9:31 am


The Decision Ahead

"I don't quite mind taking bribes or investments from pirates. As long as they are reported. Anything illegal happening here, my crew will take a cut for protection purposes." Castor interjected at the exchange between the councilmen.

"Aside from slavery. The penalty for being a part of the slave trade on this island is now the executioner's blade." Nox declared sternly.

The brief moment of comical relief was the quiet before the storm ahead. Lvneel would face many a challenge, some from internal disputes and others from outside forces. "There's one last question I'd like to raise before we leave here." Sir Bearington stated.

"The position of Head Knight - formerly held by Karl Nox. Do you have anyone in mind for the role, Lord Duke?" Bearington inquired.

"[ass=Actually, yes?]Actually no[/ass]. I do have an idea as it pertains to that. I'll also boost morale among the people." Castor inquired smirking.

The Next Day...

Everyone had their assignments, and the personal guard of Vana Knights was assembled by Castor himself to investigate the troubles in the countryside. A platoon of about twenty men escorted the Mayor back to Hisbiscus Town and began their chase.

Sir Bearington send off an envoy to Flevance to further assess the situation and the Queen reinforced her Nilf Knights to bolster efforts around the capital. A poster was also produced and spread across all the providences.

Lvneel Post wrote:"The Jules Cup. The Tournament to Find The Next Head Knight Commences in The Fall!"

[dass]The Night Before on Flevance [cmt]The timeline feels a bit janky here. Earlier, it was implied by the Mayor of Hibiscus Town that the monster of Flevance had arrived on Lvneel for a bit now and was causing concerns. But this scene implies that, presumably, that same monster was in Flevance until late the previous night.[/cmt][/dass]

The Cathedral Of Seiryu and Jules Resting Place

Propped against the tomb's sealed doors, the Holy Knight of Flevance - [ass=Does this guy literally guard this tomb day and night?]Leonidas slept while standing[/ass]. However, noise from the nearby village awoke the great man from his sleep, as he'd see smoke in the distance.

Shouting for his men to assemble, in hopes of investigating the unrest, the shadow of a giant silhouette loomed in the distance. Resting his arm on the Meito blade's hilt, "What in the world is going on?!" Leonidas shouted.

Seemingly appearing nowhere from within the shadows, the Dandy-dressed man in a top hat and a stick emerged from what seemed to be a cloud of darkness, impaling his cane into the Great Knights Mid Section.

"The timing of this was perfect. The best time to commit a crime is during chaos!" Stein, the former Head Knight, and servant to the Celestial Dragon - Sinclair declared. "Stein! First Lvneel! Now you dare bring your filth on [dass]my Queen's Land[cmt]The highest authority of Flevance is the king, not the queen. The king was abducted during the Levely by the Feral Pirates. But, that doesn't change the fact that he is the de facto ruler of Flevance.[/cmt][/dass]!" Leonidas shouted, slashing the cane that pierced his chest in two.

The Knight's breathing was becoming extremely erratic, even though the wound was grave, it'd take much more than that to finish off Leonidas generally.

"I see my poisons kicking in." Stein declared grinning. From the shadow at his feet, basking in the light of the half moon, a giant shadowy monster crept from the man's shadow and broke down the tomb's metallic door with brute force.

Ensuring to disappear before the Grave Robber's arrival, Stein stole not only The Legendary Sword Seiryu but the remains of Jules's corpse as well. Using the abilities of his rare Devil Fruit, the man escaped like a whisper in the wind.

Word Count: 2,444

| Tagged: @Doji

Notes: N/A


[Arc] [Part I] The Grave Robber - Old Wounds Won't Heal In A Day  - Page 2 Empty Re: [Arc] [Part I] The Grave Robber - Old Wounds Won't Heal In A Day

This post has in-line assessment comments.Tue Jul 19, 2022 9:18 pm

That Night in Flevance

Oftentimes the graverobber Asakura found himself working with unsavory characters to gain access to the tombs and mausoleums of the upper crust. Sly and slimy types always needed more hired muscle. However, with these robbings, Doji was somewhat conflicted; though he resented most nobility, it was unlikely that a great rōnin like Nobunaga would have died in service to them. Ultimately Doji’s work with Stein boiled down to a matter of utility, as the shadowy [dass]sanguisuge[cmt]"Leech" would've worked fine here. Be careful about overusing obscure and obsolete words. It can work when the theme and setting of the story call for it, but an abundance of archaic words can become disruptive for the typical reader.[/cmt][/dass] had tracked down the brute and offered him a generous sum of berri for his assistance in the cathedral robbery.

The oni bashed the door open, Stein had said he would handle the guard; however, Doji was infuriated when he understood how the top-hatted dastard had gone about dispatching Leonidas. As Stein vaunted the potency of his poison, a red-hot aura of hatred and fury filled the room. [dass]To the oni, poison was anathema to honorable conflict, a tool used by feckless cowards to compensate for their inferior ability[cmt]This is an example of poorly executed character development/exposition. Don't be so eager to show your character's personality through exposition. It would have been fine just to show Doji's emotional response to Stein using poison here. Later, you could devise a scene where Doji acts honourably, hinting towards his moral principles rather than blurting them out in the narration.

It's usually best to avoid character exposition through narration. But, if you must use it, it's better to keep its usage limited to characters that aren't going to get enough screen time in your story for you to explore their personality.[/cmt][/dass].

[dass]The giant oni saw only red as he lashed out wildly toward the man that had tricked him into participating in an assassination[cmt]This physical response would've been plenty for now to hint at Doji's moral principles.[/cmt][/dass]. Stein remained composed, using his fruit’s power to dodge the onslaught of attacks and retrieve Seiryu from the tomb’s depths. He charged for the man, intending to rip him into pieces with his hooks before the vampire disappeared into a pool of shadows. [ass=Unnecessary detail - this much was obvious.]It was Doji’s violent rampage in this room that led to reports of its ransacking, in truth the graverobber stole nothing that night, although much was destroyed[/ass].

As the yōkai’s rage began to cool, he exited the room and looked down at the poisoned Leonidas. “Are you still there?” the monster asked solemnly. A piece of stonework crumbled from the wreckage, a bas relief depicting the face of Jules, the warrior princess entombed here.

The man lay slumped against the wall of the sepulcher, half a cane sword resting in his chest. Though his skin grew paler by the moment, his body still allowed him his laborious last breaths. Leonidas wheezed as he attempted to respond to the fiend’s query.

“You were deserving of a more dignified end. I will remember you as a warrior robbed of his day,” the blind troll gritted his teeth, furious with the dishonorable act he had taken part in. His mother would be ashamed of him, he should have known better than to consort with assassins.

With the last of Leonidas’ energy, he half-opened his eyes and looked at the giant oni. “If you… Castor. Tell him… how proud…” Though the man’s life slipped away as he spoke, Doji understood what he meant even with its absences.

Somebody by the name of Castor was worthy of a warrior’s pride. The yōkai hoped that he would cross paths with this man. If Doji could relay the man’s parting message then perhaps the spirit of the warrior Leonidas’ would be put to rest.

The Next Day’s Mass

The morning after Stein and Doji’s attack the Cathedral of Sword Saint Jules was abuzz with clergymen and congregants alike, all wishing to see the deeds of the “giant monster” that had assailed their great knight Leonidas and plundered the corpse of the sainted woman herself. The church’s pulpit stood vacant, like a symbol of the confusion that had washed over these braying sheep.

Like a breaking ray of sunlight piercing through the shadows of confusion the Deacon of Flevance strode towards the pedestal his heavy, purposeful footsteps and hulking frame enlightened the congregation to his presence, “Fear not children of god…”

“...this act of defilement will not go unpunished, by the grace of god and the actions of his servants we have uncovered a culprit. A demon from the West, the Cemetery Ghoul Asakura Doji!”

Nobody amongst the gathering had heard of such a demon, Deacon Mozgus spoke quickly to prevent his gravitas from giving way to awkwardness, “He has fled from this isle, but [dass]our Majesty the Queen[cmt]Is this referring to Annabelle, who's the queen of Lvneel? I'm very confused why she would have any authority in Flevance.[/cmt][/dass] has sent word of his despicable act to all the islands of the North! In due time we will see the demon purged, and shall recover the precious corpse of our departed paladin!...”

Thoughts of the legendary blade filled the minds of the audience, what was the Cathedral if not a resting place for the precious greatsword and its weilder? Even if the corpse of Jules was returned, without that sword it would be as though a part of the Sword Saint was missing. Seiryu had been an extension of the princess turned knight’s being, a fragment of her spirit was surely laid to rest within its icy steel confines.

“...and her legendary greatsword Seiryu!” Their worries assuaged, the people began to cheer.

Empty promises, as always. After all, what is within the power of a man of god? Only as much as his god might offer him, and despite the many prayers of the North Blue’s people this “god” offered little to his followers. For the god they worshipped was not a living one, but the hollowed out corpse of an idea; there was no god here, no flesh and blood.

“Let us consume this, the body and blood, as sacrament for the coming hardship,” the man gestured to a tray of wafers and wine, and the obedient people partook in mass. This was the flesh and blood of their lord, little more than a theatric ration of bread and sugar.

What was it that separated god from man? It certainly seemed that the only “blessings” of this being were perpetrated through the hands of men; even these capabilities seemed rather meek when faced with the powers of the proverbial “devil.” Men of this world were capable of shooting lightning from their fingertips, of crushing the very atmosphere around them, of summoning vast expanses of glimmering gold; what was an empty god in comparison to these men? To stake one’s faith on an empty promise, what kind of powerlessness had these people succumbed to?                                                                                                          

A Morning in Hibiscus Town

The Mayor and his men made their way back into town at the hour of high noon, the sun filtered down through breaking storm clouds upon the scene of wreckage. The house of the pastor Lerévérend had been broken down at its foundations and strewn over the hillside; furthermore, the town’s cemetery was mercilessly pillaged. The Mayor wondered what on earth had happened while he was away; inquiring amongst the citizens he was clued into the horror of the prior night and accordingly ordered his guardsmen to begin constructing fortifications for the village and scouting the nearby wilderness.

Some ways away our giant oni continued to cause trouble on the countryside, trampling through the Hibiscus Hills with little concern for the health of the pleasant-smelling flowers.

Part 2:

Post Word Count: 1,132
Total Word Count: 2,612

Last edited by Gray on Sat Jul 15, 2023 2:09 pm; edited 9 times in total (Reason for editing : Proofreading)
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