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Anton La'croix
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 [Episode] The Secret Down Below

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Anton La'croix

Anton La'croix

Tracker

Name : Anton La'croix
Epithet : Screaming Mantis
Age : 23
Race : Human
Faction : Marine
Crew : New Tarot Knight Circle
Ship : Arcanum Arcanorum
Crew Position : Merchant
Devil Fruit : Bug-Bug Fruit, Model: Grasshopper
Haki Level : 2
Attack (ATK) : 205
Defense (DEF) : 205
Reflex (RX) : 220
Willpower (WP) : 190
Level : 29
Experience Points : 2977
Berries : 30,875,000
[hardboiled]
Posts : 202

[Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 Empty
PostSubject: Re: [Episode] The Secret Down Below   [Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 EmptyMon Aug 19, 2019 2:44 pm

Anton La'croix used:
AOE (B Flat) at Ugo
UT (sword attack) at Ugo

Ugo used:
HT (God's Wrath) at Anton
UT (whip attack) at Anton
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Online
NPC

NPC

Name : Variable
Epithet : Variable
Age : 0
Race : Variable
Faction : Variable
Crew : Variable
Ship : Variable
Crew Position : Variable
Devil Fruit : Variable
Haki Level : 0
Attack (ATK) : 0
Defense (DEF) : 0
Reflex (RX) : 0
Willpower (WP) : 0
Level : 0
Experience Points : 0
Bounty : Variable
Berries : Variable
Posts : 536

[Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 Empty
PostSubject: Re: [Episode] The Secret Down Below   [Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 EmptyMon Aug 19, 2019 2:44 pm

The member 'Anton La'croix' has done the following action : Dice Roll


#1 'Reflex Check' : 2, 8

--------------------------------

#2 'Reflex Check' : 20, 6
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Anton La'croix

Anton La'croix

Tracker

Name : Anton La'croix
Epithet : Screaming Mantis
Age : 23
Race : Human
Faction : Marine
Crew : New Tarot Knight Circle
Ship : Arcanum Arcanorum
Crew Position : Merchant
Devil Fruit : Bug-Bug Fruit, Model: Grasshopper
Haki Level : 2
Attack (ATK) : 205
Defense (DEF) : 205
Reflex (RX) : 220
Willpower (WP) : 190
Level : 29
Experience Points : 2977
Berries : 30,875,000
[hardboiled]
Posts : 202

[Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 Empty
PostSubject: Re: [Episode] The Secret Down Below   [Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 EmptyMon Aug 19, 2019 3:08 pm

Anton was panting heavily. The heat was starting to get to him, his body was trembling, but he found himself unable to stop fighting. He watched quietly as the slaver climbed back to his feet, the powerful vibrations he had sent through him causing his body to spasm. Ugo spat up some blood, snarling in anger as pain ran through his body.

Anton couldn't wait. He had to keep up the offensive. He had done some serious damage to the slaver, and he was badly injured. Anton shot towards him, leaping in the air as his legs vibrated, ready to bring his feet down, not onto Ugo, but onto the ground directly in front of him. However, as the grasshopper zoan came down, Ugo went up, straight up. Anton's feet crashed down, shattering the wooden floor beneath him, but failing to hit Ugo. (B Flat - missed).

Ugo, up in the air, let out a roar of fury. And then the blows came. They happened so fast. Multiple strikes happening at once, all raining down atop of Anton. The cracks of the whip were defenning, overpowering Anton's screams as his coat was torn away, revealing the cracked and bleeding exoskeleton underneath. (God's Wrath - hit)

Finally, the flurry of blows ended, and Ugo touched down. Both men were panting, but Anton was in absolute pain, while Ugo was smirking. He knew he had pushed the advantage back in his favour. Anton just wanted to stop. He wanted to collapse. But he couldn't. The fear of failure, the fear of what would happen, drove him on. Anton screamed, charging at Ugo with his blade. The slaver shifted to the side, growling as the blade grazed his side. (Anton's UT - grazed) "Tenacious bug!" he growled, delivering a sharp kick to Anton's sternum. The air was knocked out of Anton's lungs as he was sent bouncing back along the ground. (Ugo's UT - hit)

techniques used:
 
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Castor O. Nox

Castor O. Nox

Tracker

Name : Castor O. Nox
Epithet : Sanpaku
Age : 24
Race : Three-Eye Tribesman
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Supernova
Crew : Nox Pirates
Ship : The Wailing Calamity
Crew Position : Captain | Navigator | Book Collector
Devil Fruit : Goro Goro no Mi
Haki Specialization : Busoshoku
Haki Level : 6
Attack (ATK) : 400
Defense (DEF) : 215
Reflex (RX) : 420
Willpower (WP) : 375
Level : 58
Experience Points : 5873
Bounty : 290,000,000
Berries : 88,379,688
[baneoftheweak][untouchable][childofdestiny]
Posts : 347

[Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 Empty
PostSubject: Re: [Episode] The Secret Down Below   [Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 EmptyMon Aug 19, 2019 3:37 pm

Castor O. Nox: uses HT(60 Million Volt - Julungul) on Helix
Castor O. Nox: uses LT (Volt) on Helix
Castor O. Nox: uses UT on Helix

Helix: uses HT (Driver Strike - Sun's Crescent) on Castor Nox
Helix: uses UT on Castor O. Nox

________________________________________________________
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NPC

NPC

Name : Variable
Epithet : Variable
Age : 0
Race : Variable
Faction : Variable
Crew : Variable
Ship : Variable
Crew Position : Variable
Devil Fruit : Variable
Haki Level : 0
Attack (ATK) : 0
Defense (DEF) : 0
Reflex (RX) : 0
Willpower (WP) : 0
Level : 0
Experience Points : 0
Bounty : Variable
Berries : Variable
Posts : 536

[Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 Empty
PostSubject: Re: [Episode] The Secret Down Below   [Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 EmptyMon Aug 19, 2019 3:37 pm

The member 'Castor O. Nox' has done the following action : Dice Roll


#1 'Reflex Check' : 15, 9, 16

--------------------------------

#2 'Reflex Check' : 15, 7
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Castor O. Nox

Castor O. Nox

Tracker

Name : Castor O. Nox
Epithet : Sanpaku
Age : 24
Race : Three-Eye Tribesman
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Supernova
Crew : Nox Pirates
Ship : The Wailing Calamity
Crew Position : Captain | Navigator | Book Collector
Devil Fruit : Goro Goro no Mi
Haki Specialization : Busoshoku
Haki Level : 6
Attack (ATK) : 400
Defense (DEF) : 215
Reflex (RX) : 420
Willpower (WP) : 375
Level : 58
Experience Points : 5873
Bounty : 290,000,000
Berries : 88,379,688
[baneoftheweak][untouchable][childofdestiny]
Posts : 347

[Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 Empty
PostSubject: Re: [Episode] The Secret Down Below   [Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 EmptyMon Aug 19, 2019 5:08 pm








blur_on




Nox v.s. Helix!


The clash of the two criminals left the Capital of Asgar in shambles. Both men we're panting heavily, however Castor had just entered into his zone. Helix was trying to move and respond normally to the flow of combat but the effects of being electrocuted several times were beginning to show.

Cracking his neck, Helix stared at the night sky, taking in a deep breath and the beautiful sight before affixing his gaze towards Castor. The only article on him that wasn't damaged was his slave collar.  Reduced to his shorts, and unable to move readily due to the damage done to his knees, the murderous glares of the two enemies intensified.

Castor had lost quite a bit of blood himself but his willpower to win was humungous. Ten times the size of his own height and a thousands times that of Helix. Using himself as the focal point, Castor manifested volts that clocked in around 60 Million in voltage. Extending his palm in front of him, lining up the trajectory towards Helix's right leg, Castor took aim.

Unable to move, Helix crossed his claws in front him, forming an 'X' pose. The duo were about fifty meters apart from each other at this stage but with their Haki, they we're well in each other's scope. The marine and the other slaver we're about sixty meters away to his east.

"60 Million Volt - Julungul" Castor exclaimed.

"Driver Strike - Sun's Crescent" Helix shouted.

Helix released an 'X' shaped wind blade and Castor released his electrical dragon, the two attacks clashed. The energy from the blast began to make the streets in the capital collapse. Usually, the infrastructure would have been able to hold up even in times of natural disasters but below the docking area of Asgar held the Kingdom's most sinister secret in decades. A secret that all who fell below and even those watched from the surface would see for themselves.

Due to the rapid increase of heat and vacuuming air from the blades, when the large explosion occurred, it flung both Castor and Helix below the Capital's surface. As the road collapsed inward, everyone for up to 100 Meters in the radius would have been sunk below the earth. From the sky, it'd look as if the pathway towards the docks had been bitten out by the teeth marks of a large dragon perhaps. (HT)[60 Million Volt - Julungul] & (HT)[Driver Strike - Sun's Crescent].

Both men winced in pain, but Helix had lost his leg from the knee down. Castor took the blast from the explosion but avoided any further damage by transforming into his intangible state.

Gashi Gashi Gashi Gashi

"I just don't get it... Why would a man such as yourself bow to a mortal who claims to be God?"
Castor inquired.

Chuckling, "A man such as myself... I am a pirate who lost his crew in a Davy Back. Lost to several Paradise Big Shots. My era has been over. I had nothing, so I went to Sabaody to become a mercenary for hire... ended up being the slave of that bitch Sinclair." Helix retorted, sprawled out on the dungeon floor, bleeding out from his leg. Castor began to walk the long lonely walk between himself and Helix, with the only light coming from the gaping hole above them.

Examining around him carefully, the image of what was really going on below Lvneel's surface came into vision. As far as the moonlight from the hole in the street would permit, human beings of all shapes, sizes and races were scattered in cages for as far as the eyes could see. Slaves running on mechanical devices, exchanging their physical labour for power to purify the reserves in the dam. The sound of the hundred, no, thousands of slaves screaming for help, chimed into Castor's electro-radio.

Finally, at the centre of the hole in the floor, Castor stood over Helix's body, as he convulsed violently.

"Take a look around boy. This is the reality of the world we live in. The surface of Lvneel makes it look like a flawless state, no? Yet as the towns people sleep comfortably... In every major district... a holding area like this was constructed using Billions of Berries from Sinclair's family alone!" Helix shouted feverishly.

Castor was honestly stunned. These catacombs from his research had been closed off years ago due to the stench from the sewage according to Lvneel's historical records. Sewage... That's right... It was sewage in a sense. It all stunk of the Celestial Dragon's monopoly. Stabbing his spear into the fallen warrior-s shoulder, Castor made one last powerful declaration.

"I'll become the most fearsome pirate this sea, has ever seen. A nightmare to Nobles... A demon to Celestial Dragons... The face of fear that'll spark change through chaos. My Six Petals and I." Castor stated. Pointing his finger towards the man's chest, Castor fired off a wicked lightning bolt towards the slaver's heart. (LT)[Volt]




Techniques / Damage :
 


Word Count: 821| Tagged: @Anton La'croix


Notes: Falling Action




________________________________________________________


Last edited by Castor O. Nox on Thu Aug 22, 2019 1:12 pm; edited 4 times in total
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Anton La'croix

Anton La'croix

Tracker

Name : Anton La'croix
Epithet : Screaming Mantis
Age : 23
Race : Human
Faction : Marine
Crew : New Tarot Knight Circle
Ship : Arcanum Arcanorum
Crew Position : Merchant
Devil Fruit : Bug-Bug Fruit, Model: Grasshopper
Haki Level : 2
Attack (ATK) : 205
Defense (DEF) : 205
Reflex (RX) : 220
Willpower (WP) : 190
Level : 29
Experience Points : 2977
Berries : 30,875,000
[hardboiled]
Posts : 202

[Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 Empty
PostSubject: Re: [Episode] The Secret Down Below   [Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 EmptyMon Aug 19, 2019 5:17 pm

Ant La'croix uses
MT (Great Spear) at Ugo
LT (Skin Shed) on himself
LT (Snap Kick) at Ugo
UT at Ugo

Ugo uses
MT (Shatter) at Anton
LT (Bullet Crack) at Anton
LT (Crippling Strike) at Anton
UT at Anton
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Online
NPC

NPC

Name : Variable
Epithet : Variable
Age : 0
Race : Variable
Faction : Variable
Crew : Variable
Ship : Variable
Crew Position : Variable
Devil Fruit : Variable
Haki Level : 0
Attack (ATK) : 0
Defense (DEF) : 0
Reflex (RX) : 0
Willpower (WP) : 0
Level : 0
Experience Points : 0
Bounty : Variable
Berries : Variable
Posts : 536

[Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 Empty
PostSubject: Re: [Episode] The Secret Down Below   [Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 EmptyMon Aug 19, 2019 5:17 pm

The member 'Anton La'croix' has done the following action : Dice Roll


#1 'Reflex Check' : 20, 2, 9, 13

--------------------------------

#2 'Reflex Check' : 11, 2, 8, 19
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Anton La'croix

Anton La'croix

Tracker

Name : Anton La'croix
Epithet : Screaming Mantis
Age : 23
Race : Human
Faction : Marine
Crew : New Tarot Knight Circle
Ship : Arcanum Arcanorum
Crew Position : Merchant
Devil Fruit : Bug-Bug Fruit, Model: Grasshopper
Haki Level : 2
Attack (ATK) : 205
Defense (DEF) : 205
Reflex (RX) : 220
Willpower (WP) : 190
Level : 29
Experience Points : 2977
Berries : 30,875,000
[hardboiled]
Posts : 202

[Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 Empty
PostSubject: Re: [Episode] The Secret Down Below   [Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 EmptyMon Aug 19, 2019 5:41 pm

"Haven't you figured it our yet?" Ugo taunted, watching Anton painfully pull himself to his feet. The marine was bleeding badly, and his body hurt all over. "You're nothing more than an insignificant bug in this world! You want to get by, you need to bow down to god! If you don't well..." he paused and chuckled, "well, no sense in continuing. You're not going to live long enough to care anyway."

Anton barely seemed to be listening. His heart was beating in his chest so loud it was hard for him to hear anything. The pain he was feeling was starting to give way to numbness. Every fiber in his being was screaming to run. But a part of his brain stopped all of that. He had to fight. He had to win. Because fleeing again...what that would result was more terrifying than anything this man could do. As Anton slowly looked at him, something seemed...off. Was it him, or was everything moving slower?

Ugo paused, seeing Anton's eyes. There was a...strange quality to them. He had seen that look before. A man going mad. But when he normally saw it, the person was chained, helpless. Here, he was gripping a sword, trembling, and staring right at him.

It was highly unnerving.

"Enough of this!" Ugo growled, bringing the whip up and down, over and over as the whip started to gain momentum, cracking the air over and over again. "time to squash this bug for good!" he yelled out, bringing the whip down. (Shatter - hit)

It struck true, hitting Anton right in the chest. The marine stumbled back...but didn't fall. Ugo paused. That...had been a direct hit! He should be flat on his back, screaming in pain. Why was he still standing?

Suddenly, the ground trembled, and then everything seemed to collapse from underneath them. Ugo's eyes bulged out in shock as suddenly he found himself falling. Stone, burning wood, it all came down. The bleeding slaver crashed to the ground, barely able to avoid the rubble falling onto him. What the hell just happened? Was this because of that lightning guy and Helix?

As he climbed to his feet, he looked ahead of him and paused. Anton had landed on his feet, panting heavily, and his eyes, wild and feral, were now looking right at him.

And then he screamed.

Anton shot towards him, sword at the ready. Ugo moved to jump back, but then a sharp ripple of pain shot through his body, causing him to pause and grunt in pain. That grunt was quickly replace by a cry of pain as the blade struck him straight in the sternum. No, not the blade. It was a blast of compressed air from the blade. (Great Spear - hit) Ugo coughed up blood, stumbling back. What was happening? Normally when he broke people, they stopped fighting back. "Damn...you!" he snarled, swinging the whip to hit him. However, what the blade hit didn't appear to be Anton. Instead, it seemed to be a flimsy double, bursting in a flurry of dried skin. (Bullet Crack - miss) (Shed skin - +2 HP)

Anton was screaming. Screaming like a lunatic as bounced to the side and lept at him. Desperation gripped Ugo as he swing his whip out, the whip stricking at Anton's leg. (Crippling Strike - hit). Much to his shock, it didn't seem to slow him down, as Anton suddenly lashed out with a sharp kick, hitting him right in his bloody mid section (Snap Kick - hit).

Ugo could barely breath. This was insane! He was just a bug. A screaming, pitiful bug! So why was he feeling such fear? Barely able to recover from the strike, he swung out a fist, managing to catch Anton in the face. The punch connected, and seemed to stop against Anton's face. (Ugo's UT - hit) A wave of fear washed through Ugo's body before Anton responded with a sharp chick to Ugo's chin, sending him flying back. (Anton's UT - hit)

techniques used:
 
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Castor O. Nox

Castor O. Nox

Tracker

Name : Castor O. Nox
Epithet : Sanpaku
Age : 24
Race : Three-Eye Tribesman
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Supernova
Crew : Nox Pirates
Ship : The Wailing Calamity
Crew Position : Captain | Navigator | Book Collector
Devil Fruit : Goro Goro no Mi
Haki Specialization : Busoshoku
Haki Level : 6
Attack (ATK) : 400
Defense (DEF) : 215
Reflex (RX) : 420
Willpower (WP) : 375
Level : 58
Experience Points : 5873
Bounty : 290,000,000
Berries : 88,379,688
[baneoftheweak][untouchable][childofdestiny]
Posts : 347

[Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 Empty
PostSubject: Re: [Episode] The Secret Down Below   [Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 EmptyMon Aug 19, 2019 6:07 pm

Castor O. Nox: uses AOE(El Thor) on Helix & Ugo

Helix: uses MT (Activate Explosive Collar) on Castor Nox
Helix: uses LT(Leg Lock) on Castor O. Nox
Helix: uses LT(Snare) on Castor O. Nox
Helix: uses UT on Castor O. Nox

________________________________________________________
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NPC

NPC

Name : Variable
Epithet : Variable
Age : 0
Race : Variable
Faction : Variable
Crew : Variable
Ship : Variable
Crew Position : Variable
Devil Fruit : Variable
Haki Level : 0
Attack (ATK) : 0
Defense (DEF) : 0
Reflex (RX) : 0
Willpower (WP) : 0
Level : 0
Experience Points : 0
Bounty : Variable
Berries : Variable
Posts : 536

[Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 Empty
PostSubject: Re: [Episode] The Secret Down Below   [Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 EmptyMon Aug 19, 2019 6:07 pm

The member 'Castor O. Nox' has done the following action : Dice Roll


#1 'Reflex Check' : 3

--------------------------------

#2 'Reflex Check' : 8, 4, 6, 14
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Castor O. Nox

Castor O. Nox

Tracker

Name : Castor O. Nox
Epithet : Sanpaku
Age : 24
Race : Three-Eye Tribesman
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Supernova
Crew : Nox Pirates
Ship : The Wailing Calamity
Crew Position : Captain | Navigator | Book Collector
Devil Fruit : Goro Goro no Mi
Haki Specialization : Busoshoku
Haki Level : 6
Attack (ATK) : 400
Defense (DEF) : 215
Reflex (RX) : 420
Willpower (WP) : 375
Level : 58
Experience Points : 5873
Bounty : 290,000,000
Berries : 88,379,688
[baneoftheweak][untouchable][childofdestiny]
Posts : 347

[Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 Empty
PostSubject: Re: [Episode] The Secret Down Below   [Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 EmptyMon Aug 19, 2019 7:00 pm








blur_on




The Great Escape


Attempting to leg lock Castor, the man clutched at his explosive collar, in an attempt to take out both himself and Castor. Castor sensed the motion, floating in mid-air with his legs folded.

"BAHAHAHA! I'll be watching you from the other side Castor! Let's see if the sea will break that drive of yours!" Helix shouted. Scratching at his slave collar to self detonate it, Helix tried frantically to activate the function and end his life but sadly even this too failed. Tears streaming from his eyes, Helix's will to fight diminished. Forming a cluster of electricity in the form of a giant sphere, Castor tossed the sphere upward, letting it hover above himself for a few feet.


"I'll take those as your last words. Divine Judgement - El Thor!"
Castor exclaimed. (AOE)[El Thor] Snapping his fingers, the sphere entered into a formless state, before it expanded outward in the form of a lightning pillar, a colossal lightning bolt. Sensing the state of the marine runt, Castor split his sphere into two. Both spheres expanded similarly, one at sixty meters from him and the next using himself as the focal point.

The lightning wouldn't harm the snazzily dressed marine. It'd only ensure that Castor wouldn't have to deal with any revenge fights from Ugo after finishing off Helix. Dropping onto his knees, the Pirate Captain sighed relief but only momentarily, within moments the marines would have the surface sealed off and Knights would rush towards the incident in the dungeon to assess how much all parties involved found out.

Turning to the marine, Castor would heckle.

"Missed you just by this much, Junebug." Castor shouted smirking, gesturing with his index and thumb to show the small gap between Anton becoming fried Lotus Supreme or Smoked Lotus on the Barbie.




Techniques / Damage :
 


Word Count: 296 | Tagged: @Anton La'croix


Notes: Fin - Aftermath




________________________________________________________


Last edited by Castor O. Nox on Thu Aug 22, 2019 1:12 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Anton La'croix

Anton La'croix

Tracker

Name : Anton La'croix
Epithet : Screaming Mantis
Age : 23
Race : Human
Faction : Marine
Crew : New Tarot Knight Circle
Ship : Arcanum Arcanorum
Crew Position : Merchant
Devil Fruit : Bug-Bug Fruit, Model: Grasshopper
Haki Level : 2
Attack (ATK) : 205
Defense (DEF) : 205
Reflex (RX) : 220
Willpower (WP) : 190
Level : 29
Experience Points : 2977
Berries : 30,875,000
[hardboiled]
Posts : 202

[Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 Empty
PostSubject: Re: [Episode] The Secret Down Below   [Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 EmptyTue Aug 20, 2019 11:12 am

Ugo was frightened. That much was for certain. Sure, the grasshopper had been a strong opponent before, but that was before he seemed to go completely insane! Now, it seemed like his strikes weren't having the same impact they used to, and to top it off, he just would not, stop, screaming!

The slaver was bleeding. He was in pain, and he was starting to tire. He either needed to take down this mad grasshopper, or get the hell out of there. They were underground after all. There were plenty of passages he could take. He could just run, and probably hide until this all blew over. But then again, could he get away from this maddened monster? And how would God react to him fleeing, when victory was within his grasp. He had to make an effort to bring him down!

Unfortunately, he would never get the chance. Before either Anton or Ugo could react, a ball of lightning seemed to appear above them. Both slaver and marine looked up, just in time for thunder to start coming down atop of them. Anton shrieked as spears of lightning struck the ground. Fortunately for him, the lightning seemed to completely miss him. Not so much could be said about Ugo, who seemed to bear the full brunt of the attack. Anton could barely hear his cries over the booming thunder.

And then, there was a deafening silence. Anton blinked, looking ahead to see Ugo standing there, his body twitching, and smoking from being struck by lightning. He made no sound as his eyes rolled into the back of his head, and the slaver collapsed to the ground. What had happened? Where had the lightning come from. Just what was going on?

And then a voice spoke out to him. Anton's wild eyes looked over, seeing the one man Anton did NOT want to see today.

Castor O. Nox. The Supernova.

He had almost been burned alive, almost killed by a slaver, and almost crushed under rubble as they had fallen into some forsaken dungeon. And now, a Supernova was right there! This was all too much for the poor marine.

Anton's eye twitched and then he collapsed to the ground. There was a small sigh as his body reverted back to his human form. The sweet embrace of unconsciousness was far too tempting to ignore right now.
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Online
Castor O. Nox

Castor O. Nox

Tracker

Name : Castor O. Nox
Epithet : Sanpaku
Age : 24
Race : Three-Eye Tribesman
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Supernova
Crew : Nox Pirates
Ship : The Wailing Calamity
Crew Position : Captain | Navigator | Book Collector
Devil Fruit : Goro Goro no Mi
Haki Specialization : Busoshoku
Haki Level : 6
Attack (ATK) : 400
Defense (DEF) : 215
Reflex (RX) : 420
Willpower (WP) : 375
Level : 58
Experience Points : 5873
Bounty : 290,000,000
Berries : 88,379,688
[baneoftheweak][untouchable][childofdestiny]
Posts : 347

[Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 Empty
PostSubject: Re: [Episode] The Secret Down Below   [Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 EmptyTue Aug 20, 2019 12:34 pm








blur_on




The Great Escape


Incoming from all directions was the sounds of footsteps from Knights and Marines alike. Wasting no time, Castor would shout towards the marine upstart before disappearing, clearing his throat and pulsating his Third Eye in the most menacing manner. Looking over his shoulder, "Hey Kid. The next time we meet... Tell your superiors this. Remember it well. The Nox Pirates... The corruption in this Kingdom and all the treasure it bears. I'll kill anyone who gets in my way of erasing it all." Castor stated before transforming into a bolt of lightning dashing upwards towards the heavens. Through the hole in the floor, and beyond, Castor overlooked the situation from the sky, before dissipating out of range.


"Ah. Wonder if that sounded intimidating enough."
Castor pondered.

The rumours around the town spread like wildfire. Slaves being held below the capital! It was a news story that flooded the local Lvneel's Weekly Newspaper. The Kingdom however denied this being true and any marines present on the site we're told to turn a blind eye. However, word of Castor's actions and comments spread throughout the G-9. One things for sure, Anton's and Castor's meeting was that of destiny for the events to follow.

Exit.


Word Count: N/A | Tagged: @Anton La'croix


Notes: Fin




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Baltroy

Baltroy

[Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 Coolte12
Tracker

Name : Alice Baltroy Ronx
Epithet : Flying Dart
Age : 22
Race : Human
Faction : New Revolutionary Army
World Position : Commander
Crew : Bonbon X
Ship : Wonderland Hatch
Crew Position : Captain
Haki Level : 5
Attack (ATK) : 290
Defense (DEF) : 300
Reflex (RX) : 355
Willpower (WP) : 330
Level : 52
Experience Points : 5225
Bounty : 198,000,000
Income Multiplier : +10%
Berries : 18,800,000
[baneoftheweak][bookworm]
Posts : 222

[Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 Empty
PostSubject: Re: [Episode] The Secret Down Below   [Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 EmptyMon Sep 02, 2019 12:56 am


GRADING


COMMENTS
Anton La'croix

  • You frequently make use of the phrase “I mean” in your descriptions. The use of first-person pronouns in descriptions aren’t completely unusual and they aren’t unheard of either, but they shouldn’t be overused.
  • When Anton exclaimed, “They were bugged!” (In reference to the two Knights shot down by archers), I chuckled. I don’t know if the pun was intentional, but on the off chance that it wasn’t, I felt it was necessary to bring it to your attention. *pat on the back for you~*
  • There were some golden moments in your descriptions where you could have further elaborated on Anton’s descriptions. Especially considering how Anton is a character with an incredibly funny personality and his behaviour could have been elaborated more to highlight the more humorous sides of his actions. One example is his tendency to fly into battle screaming in fear. The idea is hilarious (at least for me), especially when he’s in his grasshopper/hybrid form. Imagine a giant green insect, carrying a sword, swinging it wildly, and screaming bloody murder. Even in the One Piece world, that’s not normal. Exaggerating these features can call for an incredibly entertaining read. Of course, if you aren’t hoping to write from a comedic point-of-view, then that’s completely fine and disregard this comment. However, I’m just saying, you’re missing out on a golden opportunity!!!
  • Where did Celia go in the middle of the fight? And she never came back?? I must have answers!!!


Castor O. Nox

  • Goodness, that blue is really hurting my eyes. Please, please reconsider ever using it again. Edit: Thank you for changing it before the grading finished
  • There were a few minor typos in your posts, particularly in relation to words like “were” and “we’re”. My theory is that you’re writing your posts on your phone and so it’s autocorrecting words into contractions even when you don’t mean them to be. Perhaps proofreading a couple more times could get those nasty buggers out?
  • Seriously, that goddamn blue text.
  • The red isn’t so good either. Totally not forcing you to never use it again though. Not a nitpicker. Nooooope. Completely up to you.
  • Wait, so Castor announces he’s had his logia abilities for as long as he remembers, and then he promptly thinks about when he “became” able to use them? He even mentions aloud “before” he gained his abilities to Helix. So was Castor bluffing to him? In which case, weird flex, bro.
  • When the ground collapsed and everyone within 100m fell into the catacombs below the city, I was seriously confused for a bit because the whole scene lacked clear descriptions. I managed to fill in the details after reading through the post again a couple more times, but even now, it’s all very vague. I understand your posts are long enough as they are, but I don’t generally recommend sacrificing details to minimise word count (don’t worry, I’ve been told to avoid making this mistake too).


General

  • The marines shouldn’t have had a solid reason to run at the mention of a Celestial Dragon, unless there was a reason I missed? They are technically on the same side, after all. Perhaps, they wanted to have nothing to do with the Celestial Dragons because they realised they were evidence of the one big contradiction to being on the side of “justice”; “the ignorant are innocent” and all that. However, it’s still an unnatural transition to get the marines out of scene.
  • On the same note in regards to the Celestial Dragons, it’s a little rude and possibly blasphemous for anyone to scatter and scream at the sound of their name, no? Surely the mention of their name would instil silent fear or dread if anything? They are forced to kneel in their physical presence after all; wouldn’t a similar effect (even if weaker) be instilled by the sound of their name or anyone associated with them?
  • There wasn’t a lot of build up between various scenes. It would have been nice for more details throughout the “investigation” period of their “mystery”. Rather than making it seem as though Castor and Anton had surmised the situation themselves, it felt as though the conflicts and resolutions were smacking the two characters one after the other.
  • A proper introduction to the two main antagonists should have been given. By the time they were fighting, I’d still have no clear idea who they were, what they fought for and was thus not at all invested in their actions and reasons why they were attacking.
  • More interaction between Castor and Anton would have been nice. As it stands, it doesn’t seem like they’ve interacted much at all and towards the end when Castor avoids attacking Anton, it seems unusual. In fact, it seems more natural that Castor would include the marines in his attack, given the “big, bad, bloodthirsty” pirate he’s coming across as.




REWARDS

Anton La'croix
Difficulty Bonus: +25% (+1)
Quality Bonus: +25% (B)

EXP: 75 [50 + (25%*50) + (25%*50)]
Berries: 9,750,000 [(250k*26) + 25%(250k*26) + 25%(250k*26)]

Old balance: 8,362,500 berries
Updated balance: 18,112,500 berries

You've leveled up from this quest! Please let me know how you'd like to distribute your +20 stat points on Discord.

Castor O. Nox
Difficulty Bonus: -10% (-1 - you made an error with your boss's stats an unintentionally lowered your difficulty bonus)
Quality Bonus: +25% (B)

EXP: 58 [50 + (-10%*50) + (25%*50)]
Berries: 16,100,000 [(250k*56) + -10%(250k*56) + 25%(250k*56)]
Bounty: 20,000,000 | {For putting innocent citizens at risk and indirectly challenging a Celestial Dragon}

Old balance: 23,700,000 berries
Updated balance: 39,800,000 berries




________________________________________________________
Alice B. Ronx at your service~

Check out the crew!

[Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 R7Cwalu
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Gray

Gray

[Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 Cool-t10
Tracker

Name : Gray Starks
Epithet : The Conqueror (Formerly "Black Fist")
Age : 49
Race : Human Cyborg
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Super Veteran (Former Yonkou)
Crew : Black Fist Pirates (Destroyed)
Ship : Sangria's Vane (Destroyed)
Crew Position : Captain (Former)
Devil Fruit : Pressure-Pressure Fruit
Haki Specialization : All
Haki Level : 9
Attack (ATK) : 750
Defense (DEF) : 600
Reflex (RX) : 655
Willpower (WP) : 600
Level : 100
Experience Points : 10000
Bounty : 5,000,000,000
Income Multiplier : +10%
Berries : 25,000,000,000
[baneoftheweak][childofdestiny][bookworm]
[windcaller][punchoutguru][endgameboss]
Posts : 1640

[Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 Empty
PostSubject: Re: [Episode] The Secret Down Below   [Episode] The Secret Down Below - Page 2 EmptyMon Sep 02, 2019 1:25 am


Castor O. Nox

- Look up the difference between "council" and "counsel".

- Grammatical errors and inconsistent tense is still an issue.

- You tend to convolute your words to the point where it's difficult to discern their meaning. "For his six days in the role, he'd turned in at least four groups of Bandits who'd been on the run in the Kingdom for crimes he'd done himself thrice over in his small-time here." This line is a good example. Now, I assume what you mean is that Castor himself had committed crimes similar to what he was arresting people for. But, to me, this line sounds like Castor was responsible for the crimes that he was arresting (and framing) bandits for. Even if the latter is what you meant, the line is confusing.

- Holy shitballs, exposition. Another issue with many of your plots is your habit of throwing names around like they're supposed to mean something to readers. You have to remember that most of the folk who read your threads will not have the context you seem to expect them to have. Your plethora of characters, historical events, and mentions of places should be introduced slowly so as to not overwhelm and confuse the reader. I'm guilty of doing this too, so it might sound a bit hypocritical, but because I make this error sometimes, I become more aware of it when others do it too.

- I really enjoy your uses of certain sayings (e.g. "It's bad luck to be cheap with a dead man's purse").

- Castor wearing a mask is an important fact that should probably be made known sooner.

- I was not convinced by how easily the two knights started spilling their guts about the Celestial Dragon. I'm not against their decision to expose the plot. I just feel like that decision could've been justified better. Also, if the knights were making such revelations in the presence of the other customers at the bar, some form of reaction from them would've been impactful.

- I really like how Stain is being built up as a major antagonist. I enjoy it when characters are mentioned and foreshadowed long before they are brought into the frame.

- When Castor transformed into his intangible state and moved for the first time, it would've been nice if you'd described what that might look like to a bystander. Would they hear the crackle of thunder before you disappear from sight? Would they hear slight buzzing, electric noises? Anton's initial transformation was quite descriptive, so I was hoping you'd match that.

- "Before leaving, he'd raid the dead corpses" > "Loot" would be a more appropriate word here as opposed to "raid".

- Your boss' level dictates that his total stats should've been 1400, not 1200. You accidentally fought a -1 difficulty boss instead of a +1.




Anton La'Croix
- Repeated words/phrases are common in your writing. If you don't already do this, I'd recommend keeping a thesaurus open when writing!

- It's "Lvneel", not "Lyneel". It's a stupid name, I know, but all names are stupid in one way or another.

- "Warrant Officer", not "Warrent Officer".

- The point-of-view you're using to tell the story seems to be first-person in some cases (but not from Anton's perspective). This isn't really a big issue, but it's something you should be aware of.

- I did notice a few grammatical errors here and there, but your posts seemed technically sound for the most part. I still recommend diversifying your vocabulary a bit through the use of a thesaurus though. Sometimes, the posts can become monotonous.

- I agree with Alice. It was a bit odd that the marines ran from the mere mention of the Celestial Dragon's name. I personally think it might have been more dramatic if you'd used shocked expressions from the marines to display the tension in the room. A simple mention of a Celestial Dragon being involved in something shady shouldn't provoke that sort of chaos.

- I'm assuming your first use of Sonic Cannon didn't put that technique into cooldown. If it did, you didn't read my comments in your last quest thoroughly enough. You only have to use your official techniques when you're fighting bosses. Any uses of them outside of those fights do not need to be recorded or have their cooldowns tracked.




General
- There were many tiny errors during combat this time around. I've discussed some with Castor in person. This is okay for now though, because we didn't have the new tracker templates which make tracking combat a lot easier now. As such, I will do my best to ease everyone into the combat system during the world event so that everyone is on the same page. Thanks for your hard work guys!

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