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Age : 0
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[Episode] Seminar's In Session! - Page 2 Empty Re: [Episode] Seminar's In Session!

This post has in-line assessment comments.Tue Jan 19, 2021 11:38 am
The member 'Castor O. Nox' has done the following action : Dice Roll

#1 'Reflex Check' : 8, 15, 11


#2 'Reflex Check' : 4, 20
Castor O. Nox
Castor O. Nox
[Episode] Seminar's In Session! - Page 2 G7UGK6I
Name : Castor O. Nox
Epithet : Sanpaku | The Azure Pheasant | Duke Of Lvneel | Saint Nox
Age : 25
Height : 5'9"
Weight : 175lbs
Species : Three-Eye Tribesman
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Blockbuster
Alliance : -
Crew : Nox Pirates
Ship : The Wailing Calamity
Crew Role : Captain | Navigator | Book Collector | Pride Sin
Devil Fruit : Goro Goro no Mi
Bounty : [ber=r] 620,000,000
Quality Score : S
EXP Bonus : +0.20 (To all allies)
Income Bonus : +0.42 (Turf); +0.10 (Blockbuster); +0.20 (To all allies)
Shop Discount : -20%
Crew Pool : [bel=u] 96,000,000
Balance : [bel] 2,470,815,020

Turf : [turf="/t296-turf-details-lvneel#1110"]Lvneel[/turf] [turf="/t309-turf-details-st-poplar#1124"]St. Poplar[/turf]
Posts : 794

[Episode] Seminar's In Session! - Page 2 Empty Re: [Episode] Seminar's In Session!

This post has in-line assessment comments.Tue Jan 19, 2021 2:32 pm


Sour Mood

Electrifying the face of his blade, “I won’t be wasting much longer on this fight Rear Admiral, Goodday.” Releasing a wind blade infused with electricity towards the Admiral, the warship sized blade cut through the stands, suctioning in the stone seats as it grooved. Clevis tried to tap his foot consecutively against the floor to use Soru, but the damage to his nervous system from Castor’s earlier assault left him paralyzed. Coating his entire body in Busoshoku Haki, the admiral attempted to mitigate the damage. The blade slashed against the man’s rock solid composition, dragging his feet several inches below the concrete flooring, as he slid along the seminar room's floor towards its white stone wall. Lifting him off the ground, the pressurized air pocket shot Clevis towards the heavens. [HT - Atlas Cutter] As the blade cut through the hospital’s ceiling, a single beam of sunlight peeked through, shining down upon Castor’s nerve chilling figure.

“Rear Admiral!” the marines blocking the exits shouted, some abandoning their posts to chase after the old-man. Dividing their efforts, the marines retrieved the passed out body of Glassjaw as well. Reaching underneath her dress, the woman revealed two single barrel pistols, aiming one towards the black haired seven footer and the next towards Castor. “You meet all kinds of people on the sea. I’ve read your profile, Sanpaku. Murder. Arson. Your crew isn’t filled with the nicest lot.” Jazzy commented. “Whatever philosophies they carry, I support. Whether you’re a man who chooses to not shed blood or a famed murderer, as long as you fit the credentials I’m looking for, I’ll house you under my banner. Personally, I have no enjoyment in arson. Murder, well, that can have it's thrill once it's the right enemy.” Castor responded, resting his elongated blade on his shoulder. “The generals I’m looking to assemble… are based on an old fable I read a long time ago. Greed. Sloth. Envy. Pride. Wrath. Lust. Gluttony. Once I’ve met people who truly live their lives by those morals, similar to my own sense of Pride, I’ll have all the tools I need for my ultimate goal.” Castor explained. Cocking her pistols, “Which is?” Jazzy inquired. With the blankest expression he could muster, “Well. If I knew that, I wouldn’t be trying to meet people from different walks to figure it out.” Castor declared, with a confused expression.

“Eh.” Jazzy exclaimed, shocked at the puzzling man’s train of thought.

“Honestly. Once upon a time, in another life… My dream was to become a knight. However, child-hood dreams aren’t always fulfilled. Life’s much too cruel to be a starry eyed dreamers.” Castor retorted.

Castor’s words shook memories of another time, an earlier time in Jazzy’s life, when her dreams of succeeding her Father’s legacy in the marine core held true. It was in that moment that Jazzy waivered, Castor closed the distance between the two, floating in mid-air, he’d disarm the woman with an electrical charge, and whisper into her ears. “Miss Courtier was it? What’s your vice? What’s your new reason for living?” Castor inquired. Stunned by the man’s speed, strength and philosophy, the only words that could leave Jazzy’s mouth yet were truths. “I want… To spread my fashion brand across the world. Not just the North Blue. Pirates. Mercenaries. Nobles. I don’t care about status or creed, I just want to style the world in my eyes.” Jazzy declared boldly. “However, the fabrics I want to use… especially rare raw materials like cotton and thread… I’ll need millions to see my dream come through. I’ve made quite a bit of Flevance but it’s not enough. The product can be much more… Trendy.” Jazzy explained.

“Fly under my flag then. I have no interest in treasure. You can use my earnings to build your empire. A capable woman such as yourself could be quite useful. I’m sure your connections out stretch just the North Blue.” Castor stated. “Very much so, Capt’. I have connections in Paradise as well. One last thing… Evil has no face. Castor O. Nox. If one day, you become someone I can no longer support, I’ll put two bullets straight through your skull.” Jazzy concluded, lowering her weapon towards the Imp, remaining steady form towards the Black Haired Doctor.

“I had another crew member tell me something similar… Use me as you wish. After all, I’m using you as a case study to discover my own way of life. He's a greedy little weakling but he too also has potential.” Castor responded. "Just know... I won't lie down and be shot."

“What about this one?” Jazzy stated, motioning her head in the direction of Ai.

“Hmm… I’m not too sure. I am in need of a doctor.” Castor stated as he began to chuckle. Instantaneously, the Pirate Captain would now stand before the Black Haired Doctor, Ai. “What’s your name?” Castor inquired. “You heard my speech from earlier. Would you like to audition for a position in my crew, Doctor?” Castor inquired. “Not quite sure if you’re general material yet but much like the other scrub in my crew, you’ll grow quickly if you stick with me. My last doctor was assassinated in his sleep. Work Place Hazard, you see.” Castor informed. News of Clevis' defeat chimed to HQ, and the marine Branch stationed on Flevance, began to mobilize accordingly, a S.O.S had been sent to all personnel on the island to be on the look-out for Castor and his accomplices. The Marine's who'd been summoned to Flevance for a peacekeeping mission, would also be informed of the Nox Pirates activities.


Word Count: 863 (5,815/5000)

| Tagged: @Ai



[Episode] Seminar's In Session! - Page 2 Empty Re: [Episode] Seminar's In Session!

This post has in-line assessment comments.Tue Jan 19, 2021 3:15 pm
Ai was getting ready to clear out more of the marines, but it seemed that they abandoned their post and rushed towards the admiral who was taken out by Castor. That was interesting, but what was more interesting was that he could be more relax because the marines didn’t care about them at the moment. It was either that or they knew that they couldn’t handle the two of them. He would hear the conversation between the woman and the man. In, the end, he invited her to be under his flag and she accepted it with a condition.

“Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah.” He would laugh when he could tell just how laidback this man was.

This was perfect, which meant that if he had a group of strong people with him, then he could get stronger and take back his home and even more. He would crack his neck a bit as he could feel his body fully returning to normal and it wouldn’t take too long for the lightning man to approach him. He would blink a few times as he would look at the man as it wouldn’t take too long for anything to be said. When Castor had finished speaking to him, he would rub his chin thinking about what kind of answer he should give him. He had his decision made, but how was he going to express it.

“I did hear your speech. You will allow those within your crew to basically use you for their needs. I, of course, would expect that we would be doing the same thing for you. That is quite a nice exchange, and you seem to need a doctor after all.” He paused for a second as he thought about all the females that he could enjoy himself with.

It wasn’t just that, but the different islands they would travel through, and hopefully, they would reach Alabasta, his home island.

“I don’t like that your last doctor was killed in his sleep, but I don’t think I will go out that easily. The name is Ai Kirai, Castor it’s nice to meet you, and see your abilities from an audience point of view. Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah.” He said as he forgot to tell him about what was his drive to keep living.

He would brush his hair back as it came to mind that he should at least tell him what his goal was.

“I will accept your invitation to your crew. I am in need of getting stronger as my goal isn’t just to help those who need medical assistance and become the best doctor in the world, but it is to take back my rightful power within Alabasta. Hell, I think my lust for power and woman would probably become hungrier by the time I get to my home island. Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah.” He said this as he extended his hand out to Castor as a way of agreement.

“Also, when we are in a more secluded place I can tend to the wounds that you obtain from Clevis.” He said to the man who would become his new captain.

WC: 529 TWC: 7890
The Conqueror / Black Fist
Name : Gray
Epithet : "The Conqueror"; "Black Fist"
Age : 49
Height : 10'2" (310 cm)
Weight : 1043 lbs (473 kg)
Species : Cyborg Human
Faction : Pirate
World Position : Lurking Legend (Former Yonkou)
Crew : Black Fist Pirates (Destroyed)
Ship : Sangria's Vane (Destroyed)
Crew Role : Captain (Former)
Devil Fruit : Pressure-Pressure Fruit
Bounty : [ber=r] 5,000,000,000
EXP Bonus : +0.20 (to all allies)
Income Bonus : +0.20
Shop Discount : -30%
Balance : [bel] 25,000,000,000

Posts : 3879

[Episode] Seminar's In Session! - Page 2 Empty Re: [Episode] Seminar's In Session!

This post has in-line assessment comments.Wed Feb 10, 2021 12:42 pm


Castor O. Nox
+ Excellent hook in your very first paragraph! I'm already interested to see what this seminar is about.

+ [With the death of Dr. Abio, Castor’s crew is in need of a new medical mind.] Be consistent with your tense. The narrator should generally just stick to the past tense. When you use the present tense, you're placing the narrator at a specific point in time in your world/story. Unless the narrator is an entity that exists within the world they're telling the story of, you should keep them independent of your story's timeline.

+ [The final entry to the room was the sponsor for today’s activities] Referring to the day of your story as "today" in narration is equivalent to you using the present tense. You should use "that day" instead.

+ I'm not sure if you re-read your posts once you're done or not. But, even if you do, there are a lot of weird grammatical errors and typos that you miss. Sometimes, they can make your descriptions confusing. For example, this glaring typo: [It’s a pill that once taken, it will make you undesirable to the woman or man… You desire. Essentially, the world's first love potion.]

+ I liked how you substituted the lack of Glassjaw talking about technical stuff by having him pass around a handout with such boring details. It would be a poor seminar of a certain profession if the professionals didn't share specific details.

+ Spelling consistency is also important. You kept switching between "Glassjaw" and "Glassjow".

+ [100,000,000 Million.] 100 million million?

+ Every time I see the concept of freedom brought up in a One Piece scene, RP or otherwise, I upvote. :D

+ You still need to break up your paragraphs more, especially during dialogue exchanges. See the extract below that shows where you could have put in natural paragraph breaks. The extract was a single paragraph in your post.

[ “And what of freedom? Freedom to choose who and when we love. You mentioned all the ‘average’ ones but life isn’t equal or fair. The one thing that does represent true freedom is choice.” the woman dressed in white commented.

“Ah Ah… Looks like she’ll draw more attention again.” Castor thought to himself sighing, slowly trying to inch away from next to the controversy magnet.

“Brother with the glasses. Please control your sister’s outbursts.” Glassjow stated, disregarding the woman’s plea. Sighing, “Now he’s talking to me… great.” Castor thought to himself.

“Can we move on to the next presentation already?” Castor inquired. “I’m a merchant. Time is money. Besides, it’s not our decision to make whether the sale of that drug should be allowed. It’s the World’s Choice. Any government that passes a law for that drug to be used, that in itself would show how much that government cares about free-will versus control.” Castor concluded, putting great distance between himself and the troublemakers. ]

+ I really liked the exchange between Clevis and Castor. It was an excellent example of exposition through dialogue.

+ [Clevis explained, finishing his cup of tea. Reaching for the pot to pour himself another cup full, Castor would extend his hand in gesture, offering to refill the man’s cup.] You use "would" sometimes when describing the action your character is performing. Whenever you do this, your characters' actions read like hypotheses. Using hypothetical clauses is only acceptable when you're directly interacting with another player character and you're uncertain of their reactions. For all other actions, you should avoid hypotheses. (The above sentence should've been written as "...Castor extended his hand in gesture and offered to refill the man’s cup." Or as "Castor extended his hand to offer a refill.")

+ [Castor taunted, revealing his menacing two handed longsword. With the talisman’s removed, a menacing aura leaked around the room, it’d definitely added an evil presence to Castor’s seemingly chill persona.] Be careful when using the exact same adjective twice so close to each other. It only works under rare circumstances.

+ I appreciated the mutual respect Clevis and Castor had for each other. I hope you'll continue with that down the line when Clevis makes a reappearance.

+ [Castor stated as he began to chuckle. Instantaneously, the Pirate Captain would now stand before the Black Haired Doctor, Ai. “What’s your name?”] You're writing from Castor's perspective here. Don't use Ai's name in the narration if Castor doesn't know it yet.

+ Just a reminder - Break up your paragraphs more!

Ai D. Kirai
+ [...a huge seminar that would cage up all the bright minds...] Be careful when using figurative speech. In this sentence, "cage up" reads as hostile - as if the seminar's purpose was to lock away the bright minds as opposed to showcasing them.

+ Flevance is a big city. Random strangers on the street should not have any idea who Ai is. How do they know he's a doctor?

+ [Of course, the merchant from earlier couldn’t care less about her, and this caused a problem.] The use of "of course" here seems to imply that Ai knows what Castor would do in this situation. Considering Ai has no idea who Castor is, that "of course" does not belong here. Always be aware of what your character should and shouldn't know and write accordingly.

+ I appreciated the sentiment behind Ai's speech about the love pill. He made some good points. But, the actual words felt a bit cheesy and uncharismatic. The dialogue felt a bit like an improvised rant one might say in real life. But, that is the issue. Dialogue in written fiction should not read like a real-life conversation. Real-life speech has a lot of fillers that, when translated to written words, become significantly more distracting. And real-life dialogue generally lacks interesting literary devices like metaphors. I have rewritten the scene for you as an example of how a supposedly charismatic speech is much more effective when written well. I did my best to maintain his feminist outlook.
[ "A drug like that shouldn't exist in this world!" Ai shouted. Any members of the audience who failed to notice him before granted him their attention too. "This is just another way for men to control women." He scanned the audience to pick out all the females.

"Sure, women could use the drug on men to control them too, but, they don't need to. More often than not, it's a man who looks for new ways to manipulate the women around him. This drug isn't groundbreaking; it's an affront! I feed a pill to a woman and she does whatever I want? I thought slavery was illegal in these parts!"

Ai paused for a moment to observe the impact of his words before continuing. "All of you who cheered for this pill... shame on you. You disgust me. A woman's affection should be earned or bought, not forced. Not to mention... do you really want to use some strange man's stinking sweat to charm a lady?"  He pointed at Glassjaw dramatically to identify him as the 'strange man'. "I came here to broaden my horizons in the field of medicine, not to swoon over love potions, snake oil, and bum remedies." ]
Note that the "earned or bought" bit was because Ai does indulge in prostitutes. It also adds character depth which presents a moral dilemma to the reader. Perfect characters are rarely interesting.

+ Please don't take this comment personally - Ai being a womanizer comes off as cringey at best and creepy at worst. Writing a universally charismatic and charming character requires your writing to be at a certain standard. This is especially true when you try to write dialogue which is meant to impress a lady. Unfortunately, your writing simply isn't up to that standard yet. This stands out most when Ai charms a lady through his personality more than his looks. Your dialogue exchanges generally leave a lot to be desired. I realise I'm trying to tell you how you should be playing your own character. But, I genuinely believe your character would be more interesting if he were someone who was convinced he was charismatic when everyone around him knew otherwise. As for improving your dialogue, continue learning from writers like Laz. His dialogue exchanges are usually very engaging.

+ [“Boy, do you understand that you have been messing around with a marines anger? I need you to know that I’m the law and that I’m not some regular person you could agitate when you want to.”] Glassjaw sounds like an eight-year-old. The lines you gave him have made him uninteresting despite Laz's attempts to do the opposite.

+ The number of times you write "things were about to get interesting" or "things got interesting" in narration should always be zero. Always. Don't say things are interesting. Just show the interesting things and let the reader decide. You did it five times in the first page of the thread alone.

+ Your boss and you were pulling off combat feats that should by all rights be reserved for much higher level characters. Level 2 is far too early for you to be "disappearing in an instant" and your bosses to be using Soru and Shigan effectively.

+ I liked the explanation of how Ai was able to get out of the handcuffs.


Castor O. Nox
Difficulty Bonus: +0% (+0)
Quality Bonus: +200% (S)
Length Bonus: 1.0 (5,815 words)
EXP Multiplier: +10%
Income Multiplier: +10%

EXP: +155 1.0*[50 + 0%(50) + 200%(50) + 10%(50)]
Berries: +61,225,000 1.0*[250k*79 + 0%(250k*79) + 200%(250k*79) + 10%(250k*79)]
Bounty: 0 | {Castor's bounty is already too high for a pirate based out of the Blues.}

Old EXP: 7748
Updated EXP: 7748 (Experience redirected to Ai D. Kirai)

Old balance: 28,279,688
Updated balance: 89,504,688

Ai D. Kirai
Difficulty Bonus: +0% (+0)
Quality Bonus: +50% (B)
Length Bonus: 1.578 (7,890 words)
EXP Multiplier: +10% (From Castor)
Income Multiplier: +0%

EXP: +127 1.578*[50 + 0%(50) + 50%(50) + 10%(50)]
Berries: +1,775,250 1.578*[250k*3 + 0%(250k*3) + 50%(250k*3) + 0%(250k*3)]
Bounty: 7,300,000 | {For defeating a promising marine, escaping custody, and allying with a wanted criminal.}

Old EXP: 227
Updated EXP: 509

Old balance: 3,729,500
Updated balance: 5,504,750

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